bah humbug

i honestly dont mean to be a scrooge, but this past month has been hard. i wasnt working for an entire month and that was stressful. i finally got a job at a french bakery, i really like it. i only get minimum wage but i also make tips. its not nearly as stressful as my last job working as a server. yes, i get bread for customers, clean the store, make coffee/hot drinks, make the sandwiches, serve the customers, run the register, answer the phone, and do my own dishes but its not that much when you actually get it down. i also have a lot of down time so i can bring my homework with me. i am getting to know the regulars and can wear regular clothes. its soo nice. i get one free meal and can have bread too. i dont have to take the bus so i dont have to worry about me missing it and being late for work, not that it happened often with my last job, but the public transportation in omaha is TERRIBLE. i have only worked for 4 days there and i love it. im not nearly as stressed as i once was. once i get down the schedule, i think i will be fine. i have to get up at 5:30am to get ready to leave at 6:10am to walk to work, but i can adjust. i just need to learn how to not nap when i get home. there is only one person usually working there at a time so you have to run yourself. its not hard, just keep yourself in line. the goal is to get me running there smoothly and then go to the other location and learn the bread. im excited to embark on this new journey, however, before i started working all my chef and i could do is worry about bills. we still do. christmas isnt going to be much this year and im not a big fan of it anyways because i dont have my daughter or any family that is here to spend the holidays with. i get really depressed around this time of year and my losing my job didnt help. my chef has been working ungodly hours and we had a blizzard this week so he couldnt make it here. its almost midnight as i type and i have no idea if im going to get to spend my sunday with him and i really havent spent time with him since monday of last week. my financial problems have put a strain on our relationship so much that all we do is talk about how we are going to make it work. yes, my chef is helping me with my bills, we dont live together and we have only been dating less than 6 months (it will be 6 months on dec 22nd). he cares that much about me that he wants to help me with my bills. also, my best friend of 11 years was tested for cervical cancer. she doesnt have it, but the scare is pretty bad. she had wrist surgery and then had to have a biopsy on her cervix in the same week. i was there for her for both because i wasnt working yet but i didnt have anyone there for me when i was scared for her. i couldnt lean on her because i didnt want her to know how scared i was. i needed to be strong for her but i had nobody to be strong for me and that was hard. it still is, we only got the results this past tuesday. i hope things get easier, i pray for that every night.

ahhh...books

i love reading. i have been reading the Gourmet Girl series by Jessica Conant-Park. i got caught up in desperatechefswives.com and she was talking about the books, so i decided to borrow the books from the library. i have been low on funds and have been wanting to read a ton of books, so since i havent seen my chef that much, i decided to reserve a bunch from the library and pick them up. there is a location right down the street from my apartment, so i have a lot to keep me busy. great books by the way!! i started the first one yesterday and am almost finished with it. i know there is a new one out or coming out so i am excited to get caught up and read that one too!

im finally starting to feel like a culinary student. i got most of the kinks worked out with financial aid and was able to get one of my books, my chef uniform (from the school), and prepay for my pastry kit. my chef showed up a few minutes after i got home from the school and plops this HUGE toolbox in my living room. so i ask him "whats that?" he says "come over here and take a look" so i open it....and its a toolbox for ME! i was so excited. its basically everything that will be in my pastry kit from school and MORE! he sat on the floor with me, which i dont think i have ever seen him do and we went thru it all together. i was soo excited. i wanted to just take everything out later and look at it piece by piece but i was afraid my chef would think i was some sort of nerd. but i also think he would understand. what made the toolbox so special....the fact that it was his for about 10 years. he said it used to be covered in stickers from his days of using it. he peeled them all off and filled it with stuff for me. i felt so special. he informed me that its now mine and i can put my own stickers on it to make it mine. i know he has been working on it since i took my admissions tests for the school. i cant believe he took that kind of effort and time for me. and speaking of school, i finally got my other grade for my other class, it too was an A. so i have a 4.0 GPA. i never thought that would happen, just more to strive for i guess!

Holidays...and life

ok, thanksgiving is coming up, in case anyone has forgotten. i know that this is a "family" holiday, but i dont have any family here that i really feel connected to. yes, i have family here that is blood-related and they dont talk to me. years ago (almost 2 now) my dad decided to inform me that he has given up on me. he didnt explain this to me and hasnt really spoken to me since. i think i have received one phone call from my step mom since, and that was to inform me of a family death. my step sister informed me that what my dad really meant is that he has given up on me as being a mother to my child. he never took the time to really explain this. my mom currently has my daughter and has forbidden me to go to any family functions where my daughter would be present. so i have basically been exiled out of the family. most of my family doesnt speak to me. i have an uncle who is a police officer and he works in the same area that my last job was so he would say hello to me and ask how i was doing, but that was the extent of it. i have 2 aunts, they both live outside of the area (in different states) that keep in contact with me. one lives in TX and wishes she could be here for me all the time. she has been a mother figure to me ever since my mom stopped being that for me. DONT JUDGE, you dont know the whole story. i am a RECOVERING alcoholic. im TRYING. there is more to this whole thing and it will take a whole series of blogs to explain this and its very complicated. so basically, another holiday rolls around and im here alone, again. because my mom refuses to see that i have been trying for 3+ years to change. i want to be there for my daughter. i started going to school, because i wanted out of my last job, but i realized that no matter how hard i tried, i cant get a position past entry level without going to school first. my chef and i have been agruing for the past few weeks now about what we are going to do for thanksgiving. to me, i would much rather be with people who love and care about me and make me feel welcome. i have been invited to my sponsor's grandmother's house for dinner. not just me, but my chef too. i feel loved and welcome there. its nice. i dont have to be someone im not. i can just be a part of the family. my chef's family doesnt live here, so he is going along with it for me. but i have to do his bidding on christmas. i HATE christmas. i only hate it because i dont have my little girl with me and thats really who its for. i really just needed to vent. judge me not, because only god can judge me....

sad face

still no followers eh?! oh well. this is more for me to vent than anything. right now, its frustrating to be with my chef, mentally, but not physically. i finished my first quarter at school and i got an A on my paper and an A in one of my classes (i dont know about the other class yet). and i have barely spoken to my chef all week. the last time i saw him, he was sleeping in my bed and i had to go take my sanitation(ServSafe certification) test. i dont even have a job to occupy my time. i just sit at home and read, which i got 9 books from the library yesterday and i think im halfway thru one). but its really hard. i was so excited to have an A in a class, i havent gotten an A and actually tried in so long. it felt so good, but i havent been able to share it with my chef. wow. im depressing....sorry.

Finals...

ok, my computer broke, lame. so i havent been able to blog. heres a summary of what happened:

my computer broke, so no more reading blogs or writing mine. my chef is finally getting a vacation the week of thanksgiving, so i think we will both be giving thanks for that. about a week ago, i lost my job, which is ok, since finals are today! im sitting here procrastinating/trying to wake up to study for said finals. im on a borrowed computer right now, so that is ok. i had it all weekend and am just now getting around to blogging. OH! i finally heard back from FAFSA and financial aid at the school, it looks like i WILL be able to take my classes next quarter! pretty excited/nervous. ohhhh and i got a new tattoo. a friend of mine works at the same tattoo place my chef gets his tattoos done and i have had 3 of my piercings done. i have been a customer of theirs for 7 years so they are all pretty familiar with me. ...sorry, im new to this adding pictures thing and its not going where i want it to!

finally catching up

ok, i think i mention this every time, i am a BAD blogger. anyways, yesterday, i celebrated 3 years of sobriety (woot woot!). very awesome day. i guess my chef had a whole day planned out...he was going to make me breakfast (or get it) and bring it to me in bed...never happened. does this happen a lot? i am still having a hard time coming to grips with everything getting in the way of my plans. and i do mean EVERYTHING. my birthday (a few months ago), for example, my chef was supposed to come out with me and my friends. he worked instead. he told me he wanted to go to a concert, took that night off...(which was a friday and im a waitress so i need those), he worked.. last thursday (and i know this is different) we were supposed to go to this dinner thing, he was sick. talk about disappointment. i sometimes feel like if its not one thing, its another.
did NOT want to sit here and rant but i guess i needed to considering i did. ok. so! *sigh* i finally got an ipod. HA! i always claimed i didnt want one! i was talking to my chef and mentioned my HEADPHONES died and needed new ones for my mp3 player that i always have with me. he tells me i can have his ipod. i mean, where did this come from? i was talking about headphones?? lol so he gave it to me. i LOVE it. my bestie put on a couple movies for me. so i had a movie to watch while i waited for her class to get done. i quickly learned itunes by just looking around. unfortunely now, i want an itunes card. i love this thing!

last night, we went to this AWFUL restaurant, the chef, my bestie and me. i had a paper to write. we will never go back. it was 94/95 in omaha. im sorry if someone loves that place but, i think it sucked and so did the chef. my teacher laughed at my paper, i really tried to like it though.

shoes!!!

so, yesterday, i went shopping with my bestie. much needed btw! my chef was sick and had to do some banquet thing, it sucks that i have a horrible memory. anyways, our usual sunday wasnt working out for the chef and i. so i made other plans. bestie showed up cause its her birthday tuesday, technically today. anyways, i think i mentioned this before, i have to go to a dinner thing i think with my chef and i have this really HOT outfit to wear, just no shoes. so we bought the shoes...http://www.dsw.com/dsw_shoes/catalog/product.jsp?productRef=SEARCH&category=&prodId=195709 i cant get a picture up of them from the internet and im rather lazy to take a picture and post, but i will get one eventually. the chef is here, he just asked if im blogging. HAHA! thats funny. i am a horrible blogger. i try though!

school today, wasnt that bad, but i still get headaches from it. its not even that hard, but i still get headaches. i need to find a chef who is a master of the craft and write a paper on him/her. im thinking about doing Gale Gand from TRU in chicago. any ideas???

ok..im going to go, i have laundry to finish, sleep to get, and a chef to pamper...men turn into such babies when they are sick! and a cake to finish...strawberry jello cake for my bestie!!

Intech...In-my-restaurant

ohhhh lord. i had a night! tonight we got shut down for a catering event. i have been at my job for almost a year and half and this has NEVER happened. it was cool. the lady had some really cute jeans, me and some of the girls got a good look at her butt so i could find out what brand they were. she asked me what size i was so she could buy me a pair :) i doubt it will happen cause she was a bit drunk when she asked, but i WILL be looking up the brand online, and if i ever figure out how to put pics up i might have to show y'all :) pretty exciting. but today i have just felt out of sorts. FIRST i dropped some stuff when i was setting up this morning at work. then when i got off work i fell into a door and stubbed my toes. i got home and got depressed, i hadnt heard from my chef ALL day...it wasnt until around 8-8:30 that i finally heard from him. also, on my way home, my headphones to my mp3 player that i always wear, started acting up. i think they are broke :( and i have no money to get new ones. it has been really slow these last few weeks, it sucks cause i go to work for 5 hours and make barely anything. but im home now, after falling up the stairs 2 more times. :( LAME. ok..i should get some sleep, i work in the morning :(

Tuesdays...ugh

ugh. i dont think i have mentioned how much i HATE tuesdays yet. tuesdays are a day that really get me and my chef. he has inventory on these days. only, unlike my restaurant, he has to do it AFTER they close. this means he gets off anywhere from 1:30am and 4:30am. he goes in at 7 or 8 on tuesday mornings too. i have seen him ONCE in the past 3 months on a tuesday. that was simply because his sous chef snuck me in to say hello. these are the days that i dont get many texts and almost never get a phone call. this is the one day that make me wanna scream. so its tuesday, again. i spoke with my chef this morning only because he wanted to know what the big deal was about my step sister working in his apartment leasing office. that was all. i just get lonely on tuesdays. more so than any other day.

2nd day of school..

so i had my 2nd day of school today. sanitation was good. i think i might be learning a lot in that class. i just need to follow up with reading the ServSafe book and taking the quizzes (which are homework). i should be good! today was different, i got off school, got something to eat in a drive-thru and came home, and my chef was there! it was so nice. i love it when he gets a little more time off and can actually be there when i get home. my other class, which is orientation to the culinary program....wow. this class makes my head hurt! i had to come in full chef uniform. i missed a few points...i didnt have an apron and my nails are too long. i didnt even have the school's logo on my chef jacket because i wasnt aware until 2 weeks ago that i needed one, i still made it work and missed only a few things. still, i think i should get credit! oh well.

the chef and i got into a fight. right now, we dont live together. its fine, its still early. im just having a hard time with him having a female roommate that is the same age as me. it gets me every time. he has never done anything to make me think he is cheating on me, but i cant get over the fact that his roommate is FEMALE. we went there after we got off work to pick up some stuff before heading to my house and he was talking to her, with me standing there, telling her plans that i NEVER knew about. THANKS. makes me feel like a fly on the wall. maybe, if someone is reading this, a little advice? i dont try to be jealous, but sometimes, i cant help it when i dont feel like i am there.

work..work...and the chef works!

ok, so im a bit disappointed, i dont think anyone has really read my blog. oh well, its just me ranting about my chefboyfriend, my job, and school. my boyfriend introduced me to desperatechefswives.com this week and PROMISED not to read my blog! hahaha! lets see how long that lasts! i am definately not looking forward to my night today! especially after yesterday. i made good money (thank you all those GREAT tippers!) but i am beat! i feel like i was hit by a MAC truck with my restaurant's name on the side! it wasnt supposed to be that bad! i went to work yesterday morning thinking i was going to get off at 4 an go back at 5. then, maybe off at 10. but nooo always sick-R had to claim she was throwing up for 20 mins at thebeginning of her shift. THANKS. so i got bumped...and didnt get off until after 11.

good news tho! i got my servsafe book for my class in the mail yesterday. i need to read 3 chapters in a little over a week! great! i still need the chef to dig out the books i need for my other class tho. (honey, if you lied and are really reading this, GO OUT TO THE TRUCK AND GET THEM!) otherwise we WILL be making a trip to the bookstore tomorrow! haha... amoung other things we HAVE to get done tomorrow.
sometimes, i secretly hate sundays. its our ONLY day off together and i feel like he keeps trying to fit in an entire week into one day. thats the part i hate. but we talked about it and he is trying to understand and spend more quality time with me (and by quality, i mean NOT both of us getting off work and sleeping in the same bed together). He knows this. tomorrow's cramming is us *hopefully* eating lunch with my bestie, which she has been neglected on sundays since the chef and i have been together, going to get shoes and other stuff i need for school, and im sure, walmart...since the chef needs a toothbrush for here and other stuff....gah! hopefully i can survive tonight and make it to tomorrow!

wow....so much in 24+ hours!

ok, i suck at grammar but not so bad at spelling. i suck at putting paragraphs where they should be, please excuse this! (not that anyone reads my blog anyways) so, my chefboyfriend informed me today that he isnt happy with his job, no big suprise there! now he is applying for jobs in dallas/fort worth area. he wants me ME! to come with him! i have never lived outside Omaha, NE. BIG DEAL for me here. this on top of my other stress...just piles up! i have school, work, bills, etc...all adding up and causing stress. then my chefboyfriend tells me that they have great schools in dallas. GREAT! but i just started school. i dont think with the exception of my sanitation class my credits will transfer. then, theres my friends! they are family to me. i will miss them more than anything. esp my sponsor, H. and my bestie A who has been in my life off and on for 11 years. my sponsor is telling me to go for it! shes super excited. she tells me im not running from anything, im running TO something. which is great for me. this calms my nerves. but then, i think "omg! im going to have to find a new sponsor AND a job AND go to school" no. Chef doesnt want this. he wants me to go to school full time and not worry about working. makes it great!

on another note, my chef jacket and my pants are here! thanks to my loving chef! just need to hem the pants. luckily all those shopping trips paid off!

First Day at School

So, I started school yesterday! Yay! I admit, I was absolutely terrified. Not so much of having bad teachers, but the rest! I was late for my second class due to some parking issues. I mean, really? Why not have more parking spaces?! WTF! To make matters worse, I felt like crawling into a hole the entire class! We didnt go over the syllabus very well either. It wasn't until I got to my best friend's mom's house (my best friend is being awesome! and giving me rides to school) that I realized I need my chef's uniform for ONE class. That class happens to be in 2 weeks from yesterday. Talk about anxiety attack! I am starting slow, since I haven't been to school in 6 years. And I wasn't quite prepared for my Orientation to the Culinary Arts program to have homework like book reports. Luckily, I have awesome friends and my Chef is good at english and writing papers. Going to work today was weird too. Hopefully, once I get my required materials and start on my homework, I won't feel like this the entire time I am at school. It was really sweet, even though I didn't see my Chef yesterday, I know he was cheering me on in his thoughts. He even called me and told me its not a big deal I need my chef uniform. Just hearing his voice for a few minutes (even though he was busy at work) helped calm my nerves.

More to come,
Jes

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I really hate my job, and my chef's job. Last night, I really could've used a night to myself with my Chef. It didn't happen. I guess God has a way of telling me to forget about what happened. Meaning, my mom getting married without even bothering to tell me. This is a long story and battle with her, I really don't feel like getting into. Part of it is what brought me and Chef together. Made me fall in love with him. :) Today, I am uncertain if Chef got what he needed to get done, the beer dinner menu. He had to taste the beers and create the menu. Not a big deal, right? For me, its more of a big deal because that means he isn't with me when I needed him. The other part is, he respects my sobriety and chooses not to come around if he has been drinking. That is nice. Another part that makes me love him. Ahhhh, well. Have to work again, hopefully won't be as late as last night and I get to sleep in again, with my Chef. Something we haven't been able to do for 2 weeks now. I see him in passing, or when he comes over to sleep at my place (yes, we have separate apartments still).

ahhh....the blog

So, I don't usually blog about anything. However, my boyfriend (the chef) decided it would be good for me to vent my frustrations out in blog format. He said whatever works for me. I'm 25 years old. Just going back to school for the first time in 6 years. This is after my first failed attempt after my daughter was born. THIS time will be different. I keep telling myself that. And my chef keeps telling me that too. This time I am going with the aid of my best friend, my boyfriend, and God. Last time, not so much. I am also a recovering alcoholic hoping to celebrate 3 years at the beginning of October. This is something that will be spoken of frequently of during my blogging.

Anyways. My chef, Brian, decided to show me desperatechefswives.com last night, he thought it would be good for me to read other people's problems/issues with being married/in a relationship with a chef. We have only been together for 2 months, but it seems like so much longer. What the funny part about the whole thing is, I am going to go to school, starting Monday, to be a pastry chef. Now, Brian, is an executive chef at a fairly nice restaurant in Omaha. I have been in the restaurant, just never eaten there. Its...out of my league, and budget at the moment. We met at my restaurant where I am a server. This helps a bit in our relationship because even though I am not a chef (yet) I still work restaurant hours. Its 1am and I got off work not too long ago. This probably helps me understand him and his hours. I still don't get how we can work so close to each other and only have one day a week completely to ourselves. I am working on this. I am also working on the fact that we make plans and because of his job, they (usually) don't work out. That is hard.....

More to come,
Jes