Thankful Thursdays

I think I am going to start a Thankful Thursdays thing. I have a lot to be thankful for and I tend to forget it. So, even though I have posted quite a bit today, I will still post this:

Although...the stupid blogger program won't let me upload right now....stupid thing...


Anyways...here is the list!

1. My daughter sleeping in her room here at my house
2. My husband, home right now.
3. My blackberry, so that I can call my daughter when she isn't here.
4. My job, because I have a way to make some money.
5. My health (for the most part....last weekend I had food poisoning and I have back problems) but I am otherwise healthy and not in a hospital.
6. Netflix, so that I can have something to watch that isn't otherwise on TV.
7. The ability to learn.
8. Music, it fuels my soul and keeps me dancing/singing.
9. Forgiveness, without it, my daughter would not be here.
AND #10! My sobriety, without it, none of the rest would be here

Maybe...

So much has been happening. So quickly too. I don't remember the last time I posted. Probably been awhile. So, the chef and I moved a few weeks ago. We moved into a bigger apartment in a better area. We are nowhere near close to being unpacked. We also got everything out of my storage unit, and put it all into our garage. Finally, a bill we are done with. Especially since we pay for a garage. Also, we got a cat. She is a little bitch. She snuggles up to the chef all the time, I think part of that has to do with the fact that no matter what he is wearing, she can smell food on him. I think its a part of him, always will be. Then, our cat, Bella, wants to just ATTACK you like crazy! She is really playful and can be a pain in the ass. She will get you if you don't pay attention to her when you are walking. Or just when you are sitting down, not moving an inch she just comes up and nips your arm or foot. Yep, thats my cat.

In other good news, I saw my daughter this past weekend! She is amazing. She is hilarious, says the funniest things. I love it and I really wish she was living with me. She loves music and wants to play it loud in the car, which, even though I listen to to loud music, I kinda just wanna turn it down. Makes me feel like an old lady. Hahaha. Lucky for me and my chef she was able to stay the night. We were in bliss being parents for 24 hours. I miss her so much. I can't wait until she is living with us full-time.

On another note, I might be changing my major in college. I have come to the realization that maybe I can't be a pastry chef. I am fully capable mentally, I have the brains, its just the schedule seriously sucks, I need to have time for my daughter. I have a hard enough time trying to not work nights at my job now and I only work at a grocery store. With the chef working crazy hours, my (our) daughter needs at least one parent that works normal hours and is home to help with homework and take her to t-ball/soccer/volleyball/basketball practices...and whatever else she wants to be involved in. I would go bonkers if I didn't work and we need me to have some sort of income but I don't think its in the cards for me to be in culinary too. I can always bake at home :) That and, my body has been killing me working on my feet like I do. I can't imagine doing it more than I do already. I only work 2-3 days as it is so working 5-7....no thanks! So, next week I go and talk to an advisor at school and find out what I can do. I need to figure things out. I just want to work a regular Monday thru Friday schedule and be home at night. Any suggestions are welcome.

Father's Day 2010

Today is Father's Day 2010, and I am a daughter who has a father, who has turned his back on me. For those of you new to my blog, I am a recovering alcoholic with over 3 years of sobriety. I had a hard time finding my way when I was younger. I am 25 (soon to be 26), recently engaged to a Chef. I started drinking when I was 14. I thought it was fun. I drank throughout high school and after graduation. I lived with my (mormon) grandparents right after school let out until Feb. of 2003. I was asked to move out around Christmas in 2002 because I had recently found out I was pregnant. I moved back in with my dad. My daughter was born July 25th 2003. In November of 2003, my dad asked me to move out. I was only 19 and had a 4 month old in tow. I was in school for Criminal Justice, that only lasted a quarter. I dropped out, I was still drinking, although I had stopped while I was pregnant. In November 2005, I was being evicted from my apartment of 2 years and I was going to be homeless. My mother approached me, offering to let my daughter live with her so my daughter wouldnt have to be homeless with me. I packed my daughter's belongings into my mother's car and said good-bye. My mom lives an hour away. I had no job and had the daunting task of packing the rest of our belongings and trying to figure out what to do. I put everything in storage. I continued drinking. I was staying with a friend of mine, not working, just partying. Then, I got 2 jobs, shortly after, I injured myself at one job and had to quit the other. I was placed on leave had to move again. I was renting a room in a house with a house of strangers. We drank, a lot. I got evicted from there, I stayed with my friend again for 2 weeks. She told me I needed to find something. I was just getting sober, about 3 weeks. I moved into a 3/4 way house and lived there for 5 months before moving in with my boyfriend at the time. That lasted about a month before I had to find my own place because he went back to rehab and our roommate was doing meth in his room. I moved into my apartment, I have been here for 3 years. I have seen my dad once since I have been sober. I am an outsider. A lot of times, I feel like a bad parent. I am going to school to get my degree in Culinary Arts: Baking/Pastry. I have been on the Dean's List for 2 quarters in a row. My father doesnt know this. Easter, 2008, he told me he has given up on me. I havent spoken to him since. I guess, I received a call from my step mom saying there was a death in the family, but that is all. He used to be my hero. I used to look up to my dad for making mine and my brother's lives better. We are so estranged that I dont think he will even attend my wedding, let alone walk me down the aisle. I am his only daughter. I know that I have made my own mistakes with him, I own up to those. I can only do the next best thing to mend the fences. I dont get phone calls on my birthday from any family members. When I was a girl, my dad always told me he would love me unconditionally. I know unconditional love this day, and it isnt from my father. I get unconditional love from my aunt and uncle, my fiance, my sponsor and my few friends that have stuck by me through the years. I know what conditional love is, and its sad to say that it comes from the people who told me they would love me forever. People talk about a parent's love for their child, that a mother never stops loving a child. I know this because that is the love I have for my own daughter. My mother, I think she stopped loving me a long time ago. She loves my daughter, but I doubt she can honestly say she loves me. Any correspondance I recieve from her is signed with her legal name, not "mom". I know. Its hard to understand. I dont expect sympathy, however if you have the chance to be with you father today, give him an extra hug, from me. If you only get to talk to him, tell him how much he really means to you, if he is your hero, let him know. I know my dad wont be around forever, but it seems like he is already gone.

All holidays are hard for me, not just because of this but because of the demands of my fiance's job. We will have our anniversary on Tuesday and Father's Day is the last holiday of our first year of "terrible" holidays. We are really going to make an effort to make every holiday special to us in our own way from now on. I cant say that I will always be upbeat, but I will try.

***Please note: I am not asking for any sort of sympathy or judgement. I know this may not be how you would handle things, but it is my life and I have sought out opinions of trusted friends and family member(s) throughout my journey in life. This is what is best right now and I am working on righting my wrongs. Only God or my Creator can judge me, please do not comment if this isnt who you are. Also, I am sorry if I offend you

Summer?

These last 2 weeks have kinda flown by. I finished up last quarter of school with an A in Baking Basics and Spanish for Culinary Professionals. And a B in Information Systems and Literacy. Yay. I hated Information. It was stupid. I should have tested out. But the test out was 4 HOURS long of my own time. I didnt have that time at the time. lol. So now, I am starting the new quarter tomorrow and I am taking English (for idiots) twice a week for 5 weeks, Pastries for 10 weeks and Human Relations for 10 weeks. Im not sure how I will do in Human Relations. I am not very good with people.. hence why I would rather bake than be a waitress or a teacher...haha. I had a nice little break from school, too short of a break if you ask me. I saw my aunt from TX before school was out for 2 weeks. I saw my step sister, her husband, and their daughter (for the first time) while I was at the La Vista Days Parade. I actually sat with them. I was planning on leaving after an hour or so and stayed for most of the (long) parade. I was sunburned. Now I am peeling! yay! Then I had orientation for my new job at Whole Foods. I think I am really going to like it. If I ever get the hang of being on my feet again. The chef and I went to the Reniassance Festival. It was a lot smaller now they have it at Scary Acres. It was HUGE when I went to it at Iowa Western Community College. We went on the last day so that might've had something to do with it? The chef is back to 6 days, not sure how long but we didn't do much of anything yesterday. We keep saying we are going to go to the Aksarben Farmer's Market, never do. He has complained that I never ask to go take pictures, I did once and he begged off. We were invited to Fun Plex (waterpark) by a tattoo place that we both go to for their 10th annivarsary party and we didnt go to that either. We got his bike and went grocery shopping (not on the bike! it still doesnt have a passenger seat). Now I have all my books and I am (not) ready for school to start again. I am just tired, I guess. Maybe someday I will sleep in...hahahaha

I know nothing....

my last post was about my aunt. i still know nothing. it drives me nuts. i dont know if the number i have for her is correct or not. i cannot call. i spoke with her ex-husband earlier today. her oldest daughter (my 18 year old cousin) is coming here for sure starting memorial day weekend. im pretty excited about it....then i look at the calendar. i was supposed to be in chicago with my chef when she is in town. i guess god doesnt want me to go to chicago. not only that, but the chef had said that we would try for the trip on my next break...which falls over memorial day weekend. why am i dreading that stupid holiday more than i am dreading easter? because its the start of the summer? because it will be less than a month until our anniversary and the chef will be out of town (again?). he thinks he can just cancel the trip. the trip is to the indy 500. he planned it before we started dating. the guy he is going with, its his regional (?) chef. he asks him about once a week to make sure that chef b is going. this chef already has his ticket! he cant just cancel because my cousin is going to be in town. or because its the renn faire that weekend. or that we keep putting off this trip to chicago....chef, if you are reading this, i got that sweater for doing good in my classes, remember? i dont want to go to chicago anymore. everytime i think about it, it makes me depressed. i just wanted to try a dessert. thats all. i guess the biggest part that gets me is this: when we plan our honeymoon (which im pretty sure will happen), will it get pushed aside because of work? because of other plans? i dont know the answers to these questions.. maybe someone does...

Life is short...

life is short. life is too short for fighting. its too short to live on "what ifs.."

a few weeks ago, i was getting facebook messages from my aunt regarding a biopsy she had. the message said that they found no cancer but were sending it in for a second opinion. i never heard another word about it. today, i got a message from her via facebook chat. she said she was doing good considering everything that is going on. i asked her what she meant. she has cancer. breast cancer. i was unable to ask her the prognosis or anything like that but she will be emailing me updates. even though she lives 30-45 mins away, it has been awhile since i last saw her. about a year, i think. im not on very good terms with my family, to say the least. its hard for people to understand and accept that people change. i think that its even harder for my family to do that. i havent spoken with my dad in 2 years. my mom, probably the same amount of time, if not more. they have said mean things to me and i cant just continue to put myself in the situation where i am going to be degraded everytime i talk to them. i will just spend my time bettering myself (ie school, working, etc). i know i am not perfect, but i dont need everyone in my life pointing out all my defects, big or small. i tear myself down enough on a daily basis (im working on that too). the last time i saw my aunt, her husband, my uncle, had just gotten out of surgery. he had cancer removed from his body. so yea, this is hard. its not fair to put my aunt through all of this. i know that god doesnt give us more than we can handle, but COME ON! really? and her kids, 2 of them at least, live in hawaii and never come to nebraska. yes, her daughter is coming here in june for 10 days, but what if something happens? not a very fair way to get to know your mother. i didnt ask the other hard questions. i know its breast cancer. i dont want to know if its heritary or not. i dont give a fuck. my grandma, she is a breast cancer survivor. she had the heritary kind. im at risk. chef b, hes aware of it. i watched the bucket list when it came out in theaters, i bawled. it made me not want to have anymore children because "what if". fuck that. it will make them stronger, and me too. i just worry a lot. and im sorry its depressing. i cant help but cry because i feel so helpless.

on another note, i had my first test in my spanish for foodservice professionals class last night, i got a 98%. now, it just feels like nothing with everything else.

Holidays...and life

ok, thanksgiving is coming up, in case anyone has forgotten. i know that this is a "family" holiday, but i dont have any family here that i really feel connected to. yes, i have family here that is blood-related and they dont talk to me. years ago (almost 2 now) my dad decided to inform me that he has given up on me. he didnt explain this to me and hasnt really spoken to me since. i think i have received one phone call from my step mom since, and that was to inform me of a family death. my step sister informed me that what my dad really meant is that he has given up on me as being a mother to my child. he never took the time to really explain this. my mom currently has my daughter and has forbidden me to go to any family functions where my daughter would be present. so i have basically been exiled out of the family. most of my family doesnt speak to me. i have an uncle who is a police officer and he works in the same area that my last job was so he would say hello to me and ask how i was doing, but that was the extent of it. i have 2 aunts, they both live outside of the area (in different states) that keep in contact with me. one lives in TX and wishes she could be here for me all the time. she has been a mother figure to me ever since my mom stopped being that for me. DONT JUDGE, you dont know the whole story. i am a RECOVERING alcoholic. im TRYING. there is more to this whole thing and it will take a whole series of blogs to explain this and its very complicated. so basically, another holiday rolls around and im here alone, again. because my mom refuses to see that i have been trying for 3+ years to change. i want to be there for my daughter. i started going to school, because i wanted out of my last job, but i realized that no matter how hard i tried, i cant get a position past entry level without going to school first. my chef and i have been agruing for the past few weeks now about what we are going to do for thanksgiving. to me, i would much rather be with people who love and care about me and make me feel welcome. i have been invited to my sponsor's grandmother's house for dinner. not just me, but my chef too. i feel loved and welcome there. its nice. i dont have to be someone im not. i can just be a part of the family. my chef's family doesnt live here, so he is going along with it for me. but i have to do his bidding on christmas. i HATE christmas. i only hate it because i dont have my little girl with me and thats really who its for. i really just needed to vent. judge me not, because only god can judge me....