Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day 2010

Today is Father's Day 2010, and I am a daughter who has a father, who has turned his back on me. For those of you new to my blog, I am a recovering alcoholic with over 3 years of sobriety. I had a hard time finding my way when I was younger. I am 25 (soon to be 26), recently engaged to a Chef. I started drinking when I was 14. I thought it was fun. I drank throughout high school and after graduation. I lived with my (mormon) grandparents right after school let out until Feb. of 2003. I was asked to move out around Christmas in 2002 because I had recently found out I was pregnant. I moved back in with my dad. My daughter was born July 25th 2003. In November of 2003, my dad asked me to move out. I was only 19 and had a 4 month old in tow. I was in school for Criminal Justice, that only lasted a quarter. I dropped out, I was still drinking, although I had stopped while I was pregnant. In November 2005, I was being evicted from my apartment of 2 years and I was going to be homeless. My mother approached me, offering to let my daughter live with her so my daughter wouldnt have to be homeless with me. I packed my daughter's belongings into my mother's car and said good-bye. My mom lives an hour away. I had no job and had the daunting task of packing the rest of our belongings and trying to figure out what to do. I put everything in storage. I continued drinking. I was staying with a friend of mine, not working, just partying. Then, I got 2 jobs, shortly after, I injured myself at one job and had to quit the other. I was placed on leave had to move again. I was renting a room in a house with a house of strangers. We drank, a lot. I got evicted from there, I stayed with my friend again for 2 weeks. She told me I needed to find something. I was just getting sober, about 3 weeks. I moved into a 3/4 way house and lived there for 5 months before moving in with my boyfriend at the time. That lasted about a month before I had to find my own place because he went back to rehab and our roommate was doing meth in his room. I moved into my apartment, I have been here for 3 years. I have seen my dad once since I have been sober. I am an outsider. A lot of times, I feel like a bad parent. I am going to school to get my degree in Culinary Arts: Baking/Pastry. I have been on the Dean's List for 2 quarters in a row. My father doesnt know this. Easter, 2008, he told me he has given up on me. I havent spoken to him since. I guess, I received a call from my step mom saying there was a death in the family, but that is all. He used to be my hero. I used to look up to my dad for making mine and my brother's lives better. We are so estranged that I dont think he will even attend my wedding, let alone walk me down the aisle. I am his only daughter. I know that I have made my own mistakes with him, I own up to those. I can only do the next best thing to mend the fences. I dont get phone calls on my birthday from any family members. When I was a girl, my dad always told me he would love me unconditionally. I know unconditional love this day, and it isnt from my father. I get unconditional love from my aunt and uncle, my fiance, my sponsor and my few friends that have stuck by me through the years. I know what conditional love is, and its sad to say that it comes from the people who told me they would love me forever. People talk about a parent's love for their child, that a mother never stops loving a child. I know this because that is the love I have for my own daughter. My mother, I think she stopped loving me a long time ago. She loves my daughter, but I doubt she can honestly say she loves me. Any correspondance I recieve from her is signed with her legal name, not "mom". I know. Its hard to understand. I dont expect sympathy, however if you have the chance to be with you father today, give him an extra hug, from me. If you only get to talk to him, tell him how much he really means to you, if he is your hero, let him know. I know my dad wont be around forever, but it seems like he is already gone.

All holidays are hard for me, not just because of this but because of the demands of my fiance's job. We will have our anniversary on Tuesday and Father's Day is the last holiday of our first year of "terrible" holidays. We are really going to make an effort to make every holiday special to us in our own way from now on. I cant say that I will always be upbeat, but I will try.

***Please note: I am not asking for any sort of sympathy or judgement. I know this may not be how you would handle things, but it is my life and I have sought out opinions of trusted friends and family member(s) throughout my journey in life. This is what is best right now and I am working on righting my wrongs. Only God or my Creator can judge me, please do not comment if this isnt who you are. Also, I am sorry if I offend you

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