Friday, March 26, 2010

Life is short...

life is short. life is too short for fighting. its too short to live on "what ifs.."

a few weeks ago, i was getting facebook messages from my aunt regarding a biopsy she had. the message said that they found no cancer but were sending it in for a second opinion. i never heard another word about it. today, i got a message from her via facebook chat. she said she was doing good considering everything that is going on. i asked her what she meant. she has cancer. breast cancer. i was unable to ask her the prognosis or anything like that but she will be emailing me updates. even though she lives 30-45 mins away, it has been awhile since i last saw her. about a year, i think. im not on very good terms with my family, to say the least. its hard for people to understand and accept that people change. i think that its even harder for my family to do that. i havent spoken with my dad in 2 years. my mom, probably the same amount of time, if not more. they have said mean things to me and i cant just continue to put myself in the situation where i am going to be degraded everytime i talk to them. i will just spend my time bettering myself (ie school, working, etc). i know i am not perfect, but i dont need everyone in my life pointing out all my defects, big or small. i tear myself down enough on a daily basis (im working on that too). the last time i saw my aunt, her husband, my uncle, had just gotten out of surgery. he had cancer removed from his body. so yea, this is hard. its not fair to put my aunt through all of this. i know that god doesnt give us more than we can handle, but COME ON! really? and her kids, 2 of them at least, live in hawaii and never come to nebraska. yes, her daughter is coming here in june for 10 days, but what if something happens? not a very fair way to get to know your mother. i didnt ask the other hard questions. i know its breast cancer. i dont want to know if its heritary or not. i dont give a fuck. my grandma, she is a breast cancer survivor. she had the heritary kind. im at risk. chef b, hes aware of it. i watched the bucket list when it came out in theaters, i bawled. it made me not want to have anymore children because "what if". fuck that. it will make them stronger, and me too. i just worry a lot. and im sorry its depressing. i cant help but cry because i feel so helpless.

on another note, i had my first test in my spanish for foodservice professionals class last night, i got a 98%. now, it just feels like nothing with everything else.

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