Identity Crisis

Well, seems the Chef might not be a chef much longer. (Now chef, don't get mad.) It could be his own doing and it could be the work of "the man". Either way....he might not be working in the restaurant industry. Sad. So, now, I might be having an identity crisis. Will I still be the wife of a chef? I still believe he is considered a chef even if he isn't working the job part of being a chef. He worked hard to earn that title and now he may not use it anymore. I mean, once a judge is a judge even after they retire, they are still thought of as a judge, right? Who knows. This crazy thing we call life...its well, CRAZY! I know I am no longer a chef-in-training. I am simply someone who loves food. I don't enjoy baking anymore. I have changed my major and will be actively looking for a new job soon. I love my chef and I believe he will still be a chef even if he doesn't have a job in a restaurant. He is burned out, he needs a break. He needs to spend a normal valentine's day with his wife. Not that I am sure what that entails considering I haven't really celebrated valentine's day in many years, at least not the normal way. Will I still be able to offer my wisdom to other chef's wives?? I don't know the answer to that. I hope so. I have learned a lot by his job. I have met a few internet friends because of his job. I hope my opinion and my experiences still count. Anywho, I should really get to bed! The kiddo seems to like to get up early!

Opinionated Eater: Five Guys Burger and Fries

Yes, so what? I eat out often. This is actually a new restaurant the chef, kid, and I tried today. The chef and I usually hit up Smashburger, but we needed to try something new. I knew this place had opened up and I hadn't heard much about it. So, off for lunch we went.

Five guys is just a burger joint. They have veggie sandwiches, not what I was looking for. So, I had a cheeseburger, fries and a drink. All a la carte. Lame. I kinda am starting to hate places like that. When I ordered, I asked for everything, they have grilled mushrooms and onions too. Awesome! The burger, left something missing....juicyness. The fries now...they were amazing. The kid, she didn't like the fries. they were potatoes that are cut and they still had the skins when they were cut. She wasn't sure what it was and didn't like them. We also tried the cajun fries, meh. They were too covered in the seasoning.

Now, if we could marry two places....yes, that would be awesome. Take smashburger's burger and smashsauce, and their egg bun. And put the toppings of Five Guy's on there. YUM! And take Five Guy's fries and (according to the chef) put the seasonings of Smashfries on them, and they would be good. (Please note: I am not fond of Smashfries, they have rosemary which is something I do not like. And YES I have tried them)

Opinionated Eater: Cantina Laredo

So, there is a restaurant, Cantina Laredo, that I tried in Branson, MO back in July. The only thing I really liked was the guacamole. It was amazing. Nothing else really was all that great. So, we recently had a location open up here in Omaha, and I wanted the guacamole. So, last night, we decided that we would give it a try again. BIG MISTAKE. The guacamole is made tableside. The first time, it was amazing, this time....there was too much lime. Since my husband IS a chef, he was able to tell me how to change it to make it more palatable. However, everything else was leaving a LOT to de desired. The taco was good, just not as good as it could've been. My enchiladas, were terrible. They were lacking a key ingredient essential to every meal: FLAVOR. I am glad that we tried it again. I know now that I came and I saw, and I won't be trying to conquer anything to do with it. Even our service (both times) was terrible. What made it worse this time, the server is a former server from my husband's restaurant and KNEW him....thats all.

Looking up

Things have been going good for us around here. We have been having my daughter EVERY weekend for the last 4 weeks. We already have plans to have her this weekend, next weekend and probably the weekend after that. It doesn't seem to be changing. I am happy. This past weekend, she was here starting on Thursday because she didn't have school on Friday. Chef had to work (of course!) and I had to work on Friday night. Luckily for me, my friend had the day off and was able to watch my daughter for me. Next weekend (not this coming weekend), my daughter will be coming again on Thursday. My mom is taking her to see the Grinch at the Orpheum. My mom messaged me on facebook and when she did, she made it sound like she wished I was able to go with her and my daughter. When she met my chef, he invited her and her husband to dinner at his restaurant. When my mom and her husband came to pick my daughter up at my house on Sunday, she said maybe her and my daughter will go to his restaurant to have dinner before the show. In her message today, she invited me to come along with to dinner. I wanted to so badly ask her if I could join but I didn't want to step on any toes, even though its my husband's restaurant. I have a lot of mending of fences to do with my mom and I need to let her do it at her own pace. I am ok with that. I am slowly learning patience. I had tears in my eyes just thinking about dinner with my mom. I haven't had dinner with her with it being just me and her and 1-2 other people in so long. I remember being pregnant and meeting her, my brother and grandpa for lunch. Otherwise it was for my daughter's 2nd birthday, there were 5 people there though. This is a major step for both of us.

Speaking of my mom and her husband....they got married a little over a year ago (August 28th, 2009). I wasn't invited to the wedding, I heard about it from another family member. I had been told a few years ago that if I ever showed up at my mom's house, her husband would greet me with a shotgun/rifle. My chef met her husband Sunday. It wasn't good. My husband behaved himself, he went outside to greet my mom, it was her first time at my new apartment. She hasn't been to a home I have lived at in almost 5 years. My chef stuck his hand out to my step dad and introduced himself. My step dad gruffly said his name. That was all. When they all came inside the house, I was in my daughter's room grabbing a few things. I came into the living room and said "Hi." Nobody acknowledged me. Then, I specificially said "Hi, R" since I had just spoken to my mom on the phone....my step dad almost blatantly ignored me. It hurts my feelings. I shouldn't let it, but I can't believe that he could be so rude to me, and then my daughter in my home. I will be nice, but I think it might be wasted on him. Oh well, his loss.

Thankful Thursdays

I think I am going to start a Thankful Thursdays thing. I have a lot to be thankful for and I tend to forget it. So, even though I have posted quite a bit today, I will still post this:

Although...the stupid blogger program won't let me upload right now....stupid thing...


Anyways...here is the list!

1. My daughter sleeping in her room here at my house
2. My husband, home right now.
3. My blackberry, so that I can call my daughter when she isn't here.
4. My job, because I have a way to make some money.
5. My health (for the most part....last weekend I had food poisoning and I have back problems) but I am otherwise healthy and not in a hospital.
6. Netflix, so that I can have something to watch that isn't otherwise on TV.
7. The ability to learn.
8. Music, it fuels my soul and keeps me dancing/singing.
9. Forgiveness, without it, my daughter would not be here.
AND #10! My sobriety, without it, none of the rest would be here

The kid....

Now, if you were unaware, my daughter lives with my mom. This has been an arrangement for awhile and I did what was best for my daughter at the time. I just started being able to see her again. Its been great. She has her own room with a bed, dresser, nightstand, and tv. She doesn't have a lot of toys here but it seems like she is moving in little by little. Its kinda cute. She is 7 years old and is in 2nd grade. She says some of the funniest things.

For example, the other day I was asking her how school was. She replies: "Mom, its just like adult school, only for little kids."

Today, we were driving home. The conversation went like this:
Bear (the kid): "Mom, am I half monkey?"

Me: "No, you are half mom and half dad"

Bear: (giggling) "Does that mean I will get one of these" (gesturing to a spot just below her lips and her chin)

Me: (laughing) "No, only boys get those"

Bear: "Why?"

Me: "To make them look masculine"

Bear: "What's that?"

Me: "Manly"

Bear: "Oh! Like dad?"

Yes, like dad kiddo.

I have others, but thats enough for today....ohh and she said "Its like the breath of my pizza" What?! What does that mean?

This business of being a chefwife....

As of late, my posts have been more about my life in general and its usually about me being in school. I try not to complain too much about my life as a chef's wife. Not like I have been one for very long. I know what I married into. I know the long hours are a part of the job. Its a part of the life. I understand that. I married him when he was at this job, we started dating while he was at this job. I get that! What I don't understand....is how my husband has been ignoring my needs lately. I miss his kisses. I miss him trailing behind me when I go to another room and kissing me or putting his arms around me. I miss the affection. We have been through so much in our short marriage, yet I feel like we are just drifting apart. We made it through the miscarriage. Yet, we can't find time to be intimate with each other. We made it through a stressful move. We are starting to see my daughter, every weekend, but I feel like he can't seem to make the time for me. I spoke with him about this earlier on the phone. It seems like everything always comes to a head on Tuesdays, inventory day, the day he comes home super late and I hardly see him. Maybe its the fact that I realize that when I am sitting around and I miss him. Its not that he isn't here its just that when he is here hes not. If that makes sense. Hopefully things will look up soon.

I just needed to get that rant off my chest. Thanks

Maybe...

So much has been happening. So quickly too. I don't remember the last time I posted. Probably been awhile. So, the chef and I moved a few weeks ago. We moved into a bigger apartment in a better area. We are nowhere near close to being unpacked. We also got everything out of my storage unit, and put it all into our garage. Finally, a bill we are done with. Especially since we pay for a garage. Also, we got a cat. She is a little bitch. She snuggles up to the chef all the time, I think part of that has to do with the fact that no matter what he is wearing, she can smell food on him. I think its a part of him, always will be. Then, our cat, Bella, wants to just ATTACK you like crazy! She is really playful and can be a pain in the ass. She will get you if you don't pay attention to her when you are walking. Or just when you are sitting down, not moving an inch she just comes up and nips your arm or foot. Yep, thats my cat.

In other good news, I saw my daughter this past weekend! She is amazing. She is hilarious, says the funniest things. I love it and I really wish she was living with me. She loves music and wants to play it loud in the car, which, even though I listen to to loud music, I kinda just wanna turn it down. Makes me feel like an old lady. Hahaha. Lucky for me and my chef she was able to stay the night. We were in bliss being parents for 24 hours. I miss her so much. I can't wait until she is living with us full-time.

On another note, I might be changing my major in college. I have come to the realization that maybe I can't be a pastry chef. I am fully capable mentally, I have the brains, its just the schedule seriously sucks, I need to have time for my daughter. I have a hard enough time trying to not work nights at my job now and I only work at a grocery store. With the chef working crazy hours, my (our) daughter needs at least one parent that works normal hours and is home to help with homework and take her to t-ball/soccer/volleyball/basketball practices...and whatever else she wants to be involved in. I would go bonkers if I didn't work and we need me to have some sort of income but I don't think its in the cards for me to be in culinary too. I can always bake at home :) That and, my body has been killing me working on my feet like I do. I can't imagine doing it more than I do already. I only work 2-3 days as it is so working 5-7....no thanks! So, next week I go and talk to an advisor at school and find out what I can do. I need to figure things out. I just want to work a regular Monday thru Friday schedule and be home at night. Any suggestions are welcome.

No love for the wicked..

I guess my title is weird. Anyways, chef has been super sick lately, he claims he "feels fine" but I don't know if thats true or just a man thing. (Ha! I know I'm going to get some shit for this later!) I love him a lot. Which is why I made him go to the Dr. for his breathing. So Wednesday night, we go to the Urgent Care (he purposely got off work early for this) and the Dr was in there and is looking around...and he has a double ear infection! He says his ears never even hurt and he never thought that would be whats wrong with him! Honestly, me either. So, he is on antibiotics, which is amoxicillian (sp?) and I am allergic to penicillian (sp?). So that means, no kissing. This sucks, I can kiss his cheek, but not his lips, for another week or so (on the pills for 10 days). This seriously sucks. And its doctor's orders. Again. We couldn't "practice" making a baby since my HCG levels aren't at zero yet and then another 6 weeks after that...but NO kissing?! Sucks balls. (no not literally, but you know what I mean). I guess that explains the title now.

On another note: I have been making dinner lately, it might be "easy" stuff, but I do put forth an effort. Wednesday night, we came home, I was supposed to try out this recipe from my new cookbook Debbie Macomber's Cedar Cove Cookbook (yes, I just linked you to barnes and noble, I have a nook, what do you expect?). I got the cookbook for my birthday, and have yet to try out a recipe. She is on my "Favorite Author's List" lol. (there is no actual list, its just one of those authors I read all the time and if I find a book by her I haven't read yet, I will read it without knowing more about it, because she is that good). Anyways, chef was a little too tired to wait for me to cook it up so I made mac and cheese and hot dogs instead (ahhh, reminds you of childhood eh?). Chef had his hot dogs on the side, I on the other hand, had mine cut up and mixed in. Love it. Then last night, Thursday, I had to have a friend come and rescue me (isn't that why I got married? No knight in shining tin foil for me, I have FRIENDS!) lol. ...really, its ok chef!.. I had left my headlights on in the car and was stuck at work. LAME. So, K came and bailed me out, she pushed my car (a big feat since its a cadillac) and jumped it. Which is funny since neither one of us knew how to do that. Anyways, she was at our apartment after and we were both hungry, and we (the chef and I) have groceries, so why not cook? I'm capable! So, we had fried egg sandwiches with bacon. mmmmm. I love me some bacon. Now, K wants me to adopt her. Funny, she is about 9 months younger than I am. Not possible, and chef said no. Also, Wednesday, I made (box mix) brownies. I used a new pan, a wilton one, and I wasn't used to baking with it, I usually used a glass one...and apparently in SMALL ass print, it says to cut the baking time by 3 mins, which I didn't see until I pulled it out of the oven. Stupid directions. So we have extra chewy (still good and I love my brownies chewy...) brownies with crisp edges. Oh well. At least I baked something right? Hopefully this weekend I will be making the stuffed peppers. Which chef doesn't like peppers that much but he will deal, he helped me pick the recipe I would use.

We are also moving! We move the 17th, so please excuse the lack of posts and progress on the 101 in 1001. I have barely packed. (eye roll) I guess I am going to be the one packing us up? Seems like it. I start school on Tuesday so hopefully it will be less homework and a little more time for me to pack, at least until we get moved. Ugh, chef? We could have done this SOONER! I had 3 weeks off from school! I know, we have been going thru some shit so I wouldn't have wanted to pack anyways. Sue me. I am a procrastinater. But, I have been bringing home boxes when I can, even before we found the place. There are 4 official boxes packs. Wish me luck!

4/101 Watch 26 movies I haven't seen, one for each letter of the alphabet

As of today, I have seen 3 out of 26 so far (I love Netflix)

A- According to Greta (2009), This has Hilary Duff in it, the beginning of it reminded me severly of Georgia Rule and I thought it was an odd character for Hilary Duff to star as. The story was great, in my opinion. The difference between Georgia Rule and this movie is the step father isn't sexually molesting the daughter of the story. The mother of this movie seems to be more indifferent to her daughter. I enjoyed the movie myself. And I especially enjoyed that she was hooking up with a cook/chef :)

B- Big Fat Liar (2002), I didn't think the story was all that great for Amanda Bynes. I thought the story was funny, but a little far-fetched.

C- Cashback (2006), this movie...well, it was really really freaking slow. I didn't like that too much. There was a lot of nudity. There is one scene, where they are at the strip club and Ben, the main character, spaces out and looks at a stripper with a lit pole, she was hot. I am not afraid to admit that a female is hot. The end, meh, it was typical of a love story in my opinion.

Part 3 in 5000 question survery (#56 of 101 in 1001)

201. Put these creatures in order from what you would least like to be reincarnated as (1), to what you would most like to be reincarnated as (10) assuming reincarnation ended up existing AND you were given a choice.



caterpillar, house dog, wild dog, vulture, male human, female human, oak tree, rock, manta ray, dolphin
Rock, caterpillar, oak tree, vulture, manta ray, wild dog, dolphin, house dog, female human, male human

202. What do you feel unworthy of?
Sometimes, love and affection and other times, acceptance.

203. Would you rather be remembered for having done something for humanity or being a really nice person?
I think if its the choice and its one or the other, I would rather be known for being a really nice person.

204. Which do you value more: science or intuition?
Intuiton

205. Your best friend and your significant other are in the hospital at the same time with the same ailment. Who do you visit first?
My husband.

206. Does the universe revolve around human beings?
No, I believe it revolves around nature.

207. If you are no longer a virgin, do you wish you still were?
No, I wouldn't have my daughter if I were.

208. Who is your favorite poet of those who are alive right now?
I don't have one.

209. What is your favorite song from the 90's?
Heh...good question

210. If you were in alphabet soup what letter would you be?
X

211. Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc.?
I believe in fairies, ghosts and angels. Not so sure about the rest

212. What makes you want to be someone’s friend?
Similar interests and they have to be a nice person

213. Do you troll around the Internet harassing people anonymously for fun?
No, karma is a bitch

214. Have you ever seen the movie A Man Who Fell to Earth?
No

215. What is your favorite line from a movie?


216. What's your favorite video game?
Sims3

217. Have you ever taken something that wasn't yours?
When I was younger

218. What is one phrase people say that irritates you?
A times, I truely hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason" I know this and I usually live by it, but in certain circumstances (i.e. miscarriage) that is the last thing someone who is going through that wants to hear.

219. You allow strangers to read your diary, but would you let your parents read it?
If my blog is considered my "diary", no. There are things about me on my blog that my parents don't know.

220. Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower?
I enjoy hot steamy showers, so between the two, I would pick a bubble bath.

221. Are you allergic to anything?
Cats, bullshit, and penicillian

222. What is your favorite Terminator movie?
The orginal

223. What is your favorite fast food?
Runza

224. What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again?
Fall off the face of the earth. I understand people make mistakes, but I won't go out of my way to talk to people who have seriously wronged me, I will be courtious if they try to talk to me though.

225. Would (or have) you ever whip someone or be whipped by someone in bed?
I would, never have though.

226. Have you ever said 'I hate everyone' and really meant it literally?
Yes. There have been days.

227. Why do some people want to get more money than they could ever spend?
They want to swim in it like on DuckTales

228. Have you ever won a carnival fish?
No

229. Did it live more than a week?


230. What's the best sounding accent a person can have?
Southern, just ask my husband


231. What's the most boring thing you've ever read?
The Book of Mormon

232. Do you prefer buttons or touch screens?
Depends on what in reference to. Probably buttons though.

233. Do you think there is a lot of similarity between the Harry Potter books and the Lord of the Rings series?
If I paid attention to these things I might be able to give you an answer.

234. Would you consider yourself to be naive?
No

235. Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail?
Hahahahaha.....ummmm....K? She isnt really a friend anymore, but I could see her doing something stupid

236. What is the smallest amount of money that could be in a public toilet that would make you reach in and grab it?
Is the toilet water clean or not? If its clean (or appears to be) I would probably go for a 20. Unclean...there better be a hundred in there.


237. Would you ever wear real fur?
No. I think its creepy

238. Arachnophobia or Eight Legged Freaks?
Neither, I have arachnophobia and they would give me nightmares

239. What are your feelings about police officers?
My uncle is one, so I am pretty cool with them. They are only doing their job.

240. what is your favorite line from a song?
Huh?

241. Is fifty dollars a lot of money?
If you have none, yes

242. Do you like the band Front 242 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Front_242)?
No

243. Would you rather have fame, money, or self-satisfaction?
Self-satisfaction

244. What's your middle name?
Lee (the same as my husband's)

245. What is the absolute limit, the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?
Are you offering? No? Ok. When you are offering, I will let you know whether I would do the thing. Until then, the sky might be the limit.

246. Are you good, evil or neutral?
I am good with evil tendencies

247. Should ebonics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ebonics) be considered a language?
No, its slang. Every language has it.

248. What color is your bedroom?
The walls are white. Bed is brown and green.

What color would you like it to be?
More earthtones

249. When are you planning to move to a new home?
We just moved here, we don't want to move anytime soon.

250. If you added up the cost of everything in the room with you, approximately what would it come out to be?
Are you staking the place out? Its pretty high. I won't go there.

251. Do you blow your nose in public?
My husband does, I prefer the bathroom for that. Unless its an emergency

252. Do you want to follow in your parent's footsteps?
No

253. What is the coolest web site you know of?
Google. LOL

254. Which cartoon would you most like to see turned into a movie?
The Smurfs. A modern version. Yes!

255. Of the following, which word best describes you: enthusiastic,

fair minded, generous, helpful
helpful?


256. Can you eat with chopsticks?
For the most part

257. Could you tell real money from counterfeit?
How much time do I have? Yes.

258. What do you think about school uniforms?
They would make it easier to find something to wear for my kid. Might not be a bad idea for everyone.

259. What ancient civilization would you most like to visit?
Atlantis

260. What would make a great new Crayola color?
Punk-Rocker Pink...A mixture of hot pink and black :)

261. If an art project is created with the intent of getting rich and famous, does that cast doubt over its significance as a work of art?
No, why would it?

262. If you became president, whom would you invite to sing at your inauguration?
Lady Gaga!

263. Who is the greatest philosopher of your country?
What? I don't know

264. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
They smoked it :)

265. Is it as easy to make you happy now as it was when you were a child?
Maybe easier

266. Who knows more...you, or your parents?
About what?

267. What instrument would you like to be famous for playing?
The bongos

268. Children fill its lungs completely with air. Adults breathe in a more shallow way, not filling their lungs completely. Why the change?
I don't know? Adults are lazier? lol

269. Would you have sex with a stranger for one million dollars?
No

270. Are you completely in control of your body?
Unless I am sick

Are you completely in control of your mind?
All 60,000 thoughts I think are mine.

271. Which is more romantic: an expensive, glittering bouquet OR flowers that were hand picked as they grew beside the parkway?
Hand picked flowers :)

272. Do you know yourself well enough to understand why you feel the way you do?
Yes, except for pain

273. Which do you do more often: let movies, songs and books put your feelings into words for you or put your feelings into words by yourself?
Let the movies, songs and books do it for me

274. Do you believe celebrities when they are endorsing a product?
No

275. What kind of movies do you wish were made more often?
Good scary movies.

276. Does fashion matter to you?
Not really

277. Should politicians be held to the same legal standards as everyone else?
Yes, possibly higher since children tend to look up to them.

278. What do you get in trouble for the most?
My mouth

279. Should parents spank their kids?
It depends. Some parents overdo it or do it when its not necessary.

280. What is your worst daily habit?
smoking

281. If you had your choice which one TV show would you have canceled?
Lost (don't hate)

282. Do you like the taste of sweet or salt?
I like both, together :)

283. Are you very precise about what words you use to describe your feelings and thoughts?
No, sometimes I open my mouth and words just tumble out

284. What do you feel the most guilty about?
My daughter not living with me full time

285. Do you meditate?
I should

286. Can dreams be visions, or do you feel they are always random images?
They can be visions, but they can also be your subconsious telling you something more

287. Do you try to write/say what you are feeling in a true and simple way?
For the most part

288. The thief _______ that everyone steals.


What verb would you fill in the blank with?
Thinks

289. What's the most incredible experience you ever had?
Giving birth

290. Are you ever afraid to write/say/think how you feel?
Sometimes



291. Do you write/say/think it anyway or become intimidated and try to avoid it?
I think what I want, I say what I think sometimes. And I try to write carefully.

292. What is one thing you can't do?
Lick my elbow

293. Do you like movies starring Charleton Heston (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleton_Heston)?
No

294. Are you gentle?
Yes

295. When do you feel the most raw and vulnerable?
With my daughter or husband

296. Are you trying to find yourself?
Sometimes

297. Where are you looking?
In my interests


298. Are you sometimes afraid of being honest because you are afraid of hurting people's feelings?
Sometimes

299. What would make you a stronger person?
Life experiences have made me a stronger person, they would just continue to do that

300. What book would you like to read sometime soon?
Oh geez, look in my library on my nook. LOL

Part 2 of 5000 question survey (#56 for 101 in 1001)

101. What does happiness/joy feel like physically?
like complete contentment
102. List five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most.

A Charity, my daughter (don't take offense chef)

B My husband

C Heather

D My aunt/adoptive mom and her husband

E My father-in-law and mother-in-law


103. How many movies have you gone to see this month?
None
104. If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself, what would you wish for?
1. My husband to find happiness in his job.
2. For my family to be content with how I am.
3. World peace :)
105. In what ways do you relax and de-stress when you are really tense?
I talk to my husband, my sponsor, go to a meeting, dance around...while listening to upbeat music. Take your pick
106. How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in the springtime and get out of the car?
That would depend on how much I weigh at the time. ;)
107. Have you ever killed an animal?
Not intentionally
108. Have you ever lost someone close to you?
Yes. I hope to get her back
109. What do you think of cloning?
I think its weird
110. Do you read or watch TV more often?
I multi-task! I can read AND watch TV at the same time. But I think TV wins
111. With all this talk of terrorism going around are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased safety?
I really don't have a choice. Especially if I want to ride an airplane. But I have no problem sacrificing for my safety and the safety of my family.
112. What is the punishment you would come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive?
It might involve a rusty spork.
113. Have you ever named an individual part of your body?
The girls
114. Have you ever been on the radio or on TV?
Yes, I was on TV briefly for Fat Tuesday when I worked at a restaurant and I occassionally call a morning show that I listen to.
115. Have you ever won a lottery, or sweepstakes?
Not the lottery, I have won about $70 at the casino in one visit.
116. Have you ever won a contest or competition?
I won a free book from desperatechefswives.com
117. Do you like to watch The Joy of Painting show with Bob Ross (check out this link if you don't know who he is. Also please note me if you notice the link is broken) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Ross_(painter)?
I used to. I love happy trees!
118. Do you know what your grandparents and your great grand parents did for a living?
I know what my grandparents did, my great grandparents, not so much. I only know my paternal great grandfather worked on the Alaskan Pipeline, thats how he died.
119. Is there anything really interesting in your family history?
Read #118. Also, on my maternal grandmother's side, my family history has been traced back so far that I am/was related to John Adams and John Quincy Adams. And possibly William McKinley (in case nobody knows, these are former presidents)
120. Is there anyone you trust completely?
Yes.
121. Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye?
Yes.
122. How do you feel about women in politics?
I think whoever is qualified should be elected. It doesn't matter what sex or race they are.
123. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool?
Hmmm....indoor Jacuzzi, yep, that would be nice.
124. What things are you interested in that you study or read about on your own?
Different religions interest me.
125. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent?
Maybe
126. Would you consider yourself to be wise?
No
127. Have you ever given or received a lap dance?
Given, yes. Received, no.
128. Have you ever spoken to a homeless person?
Yes
129. Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring?
No
130. If you could add 70 years to your life but only by making some random person die 70 years sooner would you?
No, karma is a bitch
131. Can you finish any of the following lyrics?

A: Nothing to kill or die for...

B: Late comings with the late comin' stretcher...

C: I could make a film and make you my star...

132. Were you ever with someone while they died?
Yes.
133. Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star?
Rock star would be fun.
134. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote?
Yes
135. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail?
Yes
136. Are you looking forward to any concerts right now?
Lady Gaga is coming in March, probably won't be able to go though.
137. Of all animated movies, which is the best one you've ever seen?
Does pixar count? I like Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs :)
138. What are the best bands or songs to listen to while driving?
Loud songs that make me sing
139. What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?
Going to the moon is pretty amazing
140. What could a member of the opposite sex do to impress you?
Nothing, unless they were my husband. But that would be nice if he surprised me with something romantic (he reads this and needs to use his imagination)
141. About how many emails do you get a day?
Possibly an average of 3-4
How many of those emails are junk mail?
Possibly an average of -4 :)
How many of them are forwards?
none
142. What's your favorite thing to do online besides write in your diary and hang out at this site?
Facebook games...soo addicting
143. Do you believe Kurt Cobain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Cobain) killed himself or was it a conspiracy?
I think he killed himself.
144. Have you ever though about hitchhiking across the country?
No
145. Who would you bring with you on this kind of a road trip?
I wouldn't hitchhike across the country
146. Of the following, which word best describes you: accurate, bold,

charming, dependable
dependable
147. If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down and get married? If you are married, how old were you at the time?
I got married when I was 25
148. Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time you will ever see them?
Sometimes, only with specific people though
149. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out?
None right now
150. What is your quest?
That is up to God
151. What is louder and more annoying: 200 adults talking or one four-year-old screaming?
That all depends on how large the space is.
152. Do you believe the stories about planes, boats and people mysteriously disappearing into the Bermuda triangle?
Yes
153. Who are you the most jealous of?
People who get their dream honeymoons...or any honeymoon
154. What is the happiest way you can start your day?
With a cuddle and kiss from my husband.
155. Do you ever have moments where you feel like everything is all right in the world?
Of course
156. Who thinks that you are offensive?
People
157. If you had to teach a class in something, what would you be able to teach people?
How to procrastinate :)
158. Have you ever had a spiritual experience (an experience that cannot be explained by science)?
Yes
159. Do you believe that this experience was truly mystical or do you think there is some scientific explanation for it, only you don't know what it is?
I beleive it cannot be explained by science
160. Do you get offended easily?
Not usually
161. Would you still love and stay with your signifigant other if he or she had to have a breast or testicle removed?
Yes
162. Do you believe in fate or free will?
Both
163. Do you believe that only boring people get bored?
No
164. Can life change or are we all stuck in vain?
Life can change if you want it to and work for it
165. What changes are you afraid of?
Losing it all again
166. Are you a day person or nocturnal?
I am not a mornign person
167. What one CD could you listen to for an entire week (no mixed CD’s, it must be an album)?
Nickelback, take your pick
168. Which is worse, working in retail, food service, or an office?
Retail
169. What's the coolest job you ever had?
Working in a warehouse was cool
170. What is one central idea that your thoughts seem to come back to?
Oreos :)
171. Have you ever wanted to be an actor/tress?
Yes
172. If you had the power to control one person and make this person do anything you wanted for a whole day, who would you pick and what would they do?
I don't think I would want to do that.
173. What star sign are you and what is your sign like?
I am a Cancer, my sign is like me :)
174. Did the Blair Witch Project scare you?
Yes
175. Are you in constant fear of death?
No
176. Does fear of death keep you from building a life?
No
177. Do you like all your movies to be in wide-screen?
Now I do
178. Are you a fan of any comic books?
Not anymore
179. At what age did you attend your first funeral?
I am not sure, maybe 13
180. What do you smell like (lotion, cologne, sweat)?
Smoke lol
181. What are your greatest sources for wisdom?
wikipedia....JUST KIDDING!! My husband...life experiences
182. When you were little, where did your parents tell you babies come from?
Nope
183. What is your favorite band?
Nickelback? (don't hate)
184. What's the best cheesy 80's song?
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
185. What's the best kind of movie to see on a date?
Romantic Comedy
186. Do you like to sit in the front, middle or back of the Movie Theater?
Back
187. Have you ever been inside an abandoned building?
Nope
188. Under what circumstances would you agree to work for free?
If it was to help people in need
189. Candles or strobe lights?
Candles
190. Do you think the Lord of the Rings movies are true to the books or did Hollywood change the story too much?
Never saw or read them
191. When you see a stranger on the street does your first reaction lean towards thinking of this person as a potential friend or as a potential threat?
I usually ignore people on the street
192. Is it natural for human beings to fear and distrust each other, or is it cultural?
natural
193. What do you really want to buy?
A car
194. You have to choose. Would you be happier marrying someone rich for their money or living in the streets and subway tunnels with someone you love?
I will always pick marrying for love, thats what I did
195. If someone wanted to understand you what book could they read that would help?
I am not sure, maybe the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)
196. Do you think it’s odd that Americans have freedom of religion and yet call themselves 'one nation under god'?
No
197. In what sense are you a minority?
I am female. And I might be the only white girl in the complex...lol
198. Are you anti social?
Sometimes
199. Do you photograph well?
No
200. Do you think that human beings would survivor through a nuclear winter?
A what?

Part 1 of 5000 question survey (#56 in 101 in 1001)

Please note: some questions I didn't answer because I thought they were either a)useless or b) confusing. Good luck and thanks for learning more about me! And another thing, I started filling this out on 8/24/10 and finished on 8/25/10

1. Who are you?
I hate questions like this, my name is Jessica, but that isn't who I am. I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, and student. I am sure you will find out more about "who I am" throughout this whole process. Oh, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?
1. I am a crafty person, probably why I want to be a pastry chef.
2. I love my daughter with everything, which is why I let my mom take her when the going was tough. I did what was best for her.
3. Sometimes, even though I love my husband with everything I have, I feel like maybe its all a dream, a wonderful dream and I might wake up and its gone.
3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?
Watching movies, blogging, oh wait, that's what I am doing now. I love spending what little time I have with my husband, going to work, going to school, homework, reading, playing around on the internet.
4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).
I love my cooking classes usually. I really liked my "english for idiots" class. I learned a lot about my teacher. This last quarter, I hated my teacher for my cooking class so it made it frusterating to even like the class.
5. What is your biggest goal for this year?
Stay happy, live life like its supposed to. I know this year is almost over, but I wish I could enjoy my life everyday. Sometimes its hard, especially with our recent loss, but I want to grow from the experience.
6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
I want to not be in school! Thats what I know for sure, for now!
7. What stage of life are you in right now?
I am not sure how people would define the stages. I guess I would say I am in transition? I just got married, we are hopefully moving into a bigger apartment...I am going to school. I guess you could say that its a transition.
8. Are you more child-like or childish?
WTF kind of question is this? I don't think I am child-like, unless I am sick or hurt. I am sometimes childish except I try to be more adult.
9. What is the last thing you said out loud?
Probably something vulgar. LOL. I have been home alone all night. Nobody has called me, so probably the last thing I said outloud was when I was driving and usually I am swearing at other drivers.
10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?
I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey...I think that is who it is by, I heard it yesterday, it brings me to tears but I think it fits the mood I have been in the last 7 days.
11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?
No, when I was younger my dad would take tai kwan do (sp?). I used to brag about it. I guess the closest I came to a "martial arts class" was when I went to Tai Chi my senior year.
12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?
It all depends on your perception of things. It does get better. I just have to remind myself that little bumps in the road are a part of life.
13. Does time really heal all wounds?
I think it does, if you let it.
14. How do you handle a rainy day?
I love rain. However it was raining the day that we found out we would lose the baby. Otherwise, I love them.
15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?
Ha!!! I have only been on one trip on an airplane. And my last christmas tree was pre-lit. So, you tell me!
16. How is your relationship with your parents?
My biological parents? Terrible. My adoptive parents? Awesome. My parents-in-law? Awesome again.
Will you miss them when they are gone?
Most definately. Especially the ones that I have an awesome relationship with, but I would miss them all.
17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?
That all depends. I can actually space out so much that I tend to not pay attention to anything around me. But I do like to people watch so I can be aware of my surroundings.
18. What is the truest thing that you know?
Smoking is bad for you. And my husband is an amazing cook.
19. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A kindergarten teacher. That was in 5th grade. Any earlier than that, I don't remember.
20. Have you ever been given a second chance?
I am living my second chance, everyday I am grateful for that.
21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?
I try to be both. I try not to take more than anyone can give. If I had to be one more than the other, I would say I am a giver, or I aspire to be.
22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?
I do try to.
23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?
It used to be my surgery, to be tested for cancer, lymphoma. The recovery was terrible, I don't have lymphoma. However, the most physically painful thing to date would be having a natural miscarriage. I think it made it harder because I was emotionally wounded to the core.
24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?
Its a tie. Saying good bye the day my daughter went to live with my mom and the day my husband and I would miscarry the baby.
25. Who have you hugged today?
My husband. I hug him everyday. And L, I saw him at the store. He always hugs me.
26. Who has done something today to show they care about you?
My husband. He tries to show me everyday that he cares about me, I am lucky.
27. Do you have a lot to learn?
I do. I believe everyone does. Even on my deathbed, I will have a lot to learn.
28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?
I don't want to learn things without the lessons. Learning new things is about the experience.
A

B

C

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?
How other people make you feel. They can say things they don't mean or do things they don't mean, but how they make me feel, I ALWAYS remember that. I will always remember how I felt on my wedding day. I may not always remember what was said by the minister or by loved ones as toasts, but the feeling I had, I will always remember that.
30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?
Communication, honesty, and forgiveness.
31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?

A Touch someone's life the way others have touched mine. I may have already done this, but I will keep trying to do it.

B Ride a mechanical bull.

C Take a chance and live somewhere I haven't before. I have lived in the same area my whole life, I want to get out of my comfort zone so I can grow.

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?

A Having my children know the pain I have. No child should ever think their parents don't love them, no matter what they do. Whether it is true or not.

B Relapse. I don't ever want to put anyone else through the pain I have already caused people that love me.

C

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?
There are a few. MS, Breast Cancer
34. What does each decade make you think of:

The 19..

20's:

30's:

40's:

50's:

60's:

70's:

80's:

90's:

2000 (so far):

2010's:

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?
I don't have a special connection to any decades.
36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?
Angel Eyes by Jeff Heeley Band
37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?
United States of America. Barak Obama
If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?
I'm honestly not sure.
38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?
TV Land. Or Nick
39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?
I don't see myself relating to a Disney villian. I haven't watched any lately, but my mom reminds me of Cruella DeVille sometimes.
40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?
No
41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?
Fly, I have a feeling if I was on a boat for an extended period of time, I might get seasick.
42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?
The sun reflects...blah blah. Or, thats the way God wanted it :)
43. What does your name mean?
God beholds
44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?
Maybe the ocean?
45. Word association

What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:

Air: breathe

Meat: steak

Different: same

Pink: purple

Deserve: earn

White: black

Elvis: peanut butter

Magic: 8 ball

Heart: love

Clash: of the titans

Pulp: fiction

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?
My husband's mother. Or my grandfather on my dad's side.
47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?
Sweet Home Alabama
49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?
To do? I would probably bring my Nook, my laptop and blackberry. My nook can buy books nearly everywhere, I have the 3-G one. My laptop has Sims3 :) And my blackberry, lets me talk to my husband.
50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?
Hmmm...I do believe my sponsor saved my life.
51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...

Fruitgoogle: someone who obsessively googles everything they become a "fruitgoogle"

Ambytime: this would be the portal in which my friend Amber lives in, its not never never land, but close. Its "Ambytime" in her world. Which seems to revolve around her.

Asscactus: This is worse than being an asshat. good luck

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?
Food. In school
53. What was your favorite toy as a child?
I had an ice cream maker, the barbie one. I never did get to use it, but I thought it was pretty freaking cool. That and I loved my cheap-ass play dishes :)
54. How many TV’s are in your house?
There are 2. We use one for actual watching, but we do have another one in my storage.
55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
People watch
56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?
That depends on my mood, but usually I feel like I have seen true beauty
57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?
I have had dreams that parts of them came true, it felt like deja vu
58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
Been to one? No. I have had my cards read though.
59. What is your idea of paradise?
Beach, with my husband and child.
60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?
Sure. He is like a best friend, only without judging.
61. Do you believe in Hell?
No
62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't?
Most people I know? Or most people in general? Just people I know, I have gotten married, and I have a child, thats compared to my close friends. Most people in general...I think I have a one-of-a-kind tattoo. I get complimented on it often
63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?
Let someone I love go
64. Are you a patient person?
Not really. I tell my husband all the time "I only have patience for small children and baking" now add "my husband" to that list.
65. What holiday should exist but doesn't?
Isn't there a holiday for everything?
66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?
See #65
67. What's the best joke you ever heard?
Umm..I don't know?
68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?
Ever been? Probably Branson, MO. I had a blast.
69. Is your hair natural or dyed?
Naturally dyed. LOL. I dye my hair.
70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?
I think I have a secret or two, but people close to me know them.
71. What is under your bed right now?
Nothing, we checked the other day.
72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?
Go home. My husband and child aren't in the Land of Oz
73. If you drive do you frequently speed?
Nope, I am sure it drives my husband and other drivers nuts that I drive the speed limit
74. What is the world's best song to dance to?
Anything by Lady Gaga
75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?
I don't remember?
76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?
Disney
77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?
Penguins
78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?
Occassionally
79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?
Probably not fly off. Maybe just fall over.
80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?
What kind of sacrifices are we talking?
81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?
Why would I pick that for someone else? Everyone has a right to freedom.
82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?
Equator
83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?
Television
84. What do you think makes someone a hero?
I think that all depends on the person who is considering that person a hero
85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?
Hahaha. The simpsons :)
86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:
Seeing/hearing someone throw up
87. What was the last thing you paid for?
Burger King
88. Are you a coupon clipper?
No, my great grandmother is though
89. Get anything good in the mail recently?
I wish. I check the mail everyday and I am disappointed
90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?
Dancing, except I am self conscience. So probably bowling.
91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So...

Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?
Maybe? If you beam enough, lol
92. What insects are you afraid of?
Spiders. And anything that crunches or squishes (out loud) when you kill it. But mostly spiders.
93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?
"No soliciting"
94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?
I don't think I have worn anything eccentric per se, but maybe just wearing something too dressy to a casual place.
95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?
ice cream :)
96. What are your parents interested in?
My step-sisters and my brother. Otherwise, I am not sure.
97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?
When I was younger, we caught a caterpillar, but I think that was more my brother's thing than mine.
Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?
No.
98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?
Plans
99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?
My what the what? Maybe when I am in nature and just listening.
100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?
A tent, matches, and bug spray lol

101 in 1001 days

I was inspired by someone else's blog to do the 101 in 1001 days, dayzeroproject. It is something for me to do for myself. I am not good at making goals for myself and I have been putting some stuff off for quite some time. I made reasonable goals I think. I didn't want to do anything that influences another person (like they really have to participate) because I think that I should have the goals for myself. Not for anyone else. Although...there is a few that involve my husband, but I don't think he would really mind them at all! I will (hopefully) be updating the blog with my progress. It gives me something outside of my job and school to do. Plus, the chef is gone all the time and I just get a little stir crazy sometimes. And, I think it might help with the healing from our loss. The chef might be doing one of his own, but I really don't know. **Please note: I may change/modify some things. Also, I won't put one up that is personal.**

Here goes!

1. Finish a coloring book. (I have tons of these at my house, I never finish one.)
2. Sleep under the stars/go camping.
3.Watch the sunrise and sunset in the same day.
4.Watch 26 movies I've never seen starting with each letter of the alphabet.
5.Answer the "50 questions that will free your mind"
6.Don't complain about anything for a week.
7.Go to a concert.
8.Get a massage.
9. Dance in the rain.
10.Build a snowman.
11.Go on a roadtrip.
12.Go horseback riding.
13. Identify 100 things that make me happy.
14. Complete a 365 day photo challenge.
15. Go on a picnic.
16. No fast food for a month.
17. Buy a lottery ticket.
18. Find a personally inspirational quote and work it into a piece of art or home decor.
19. Read 100 books (preferrably in 365 days)
20. See 10 classic movies I have never seen.
21. Read 15 classic books.
22. Attemd the midnight premiere of a movie.
23. Go ice skating.
24. Fly a kite.
25. See a movie in 3-D
26. Go skinny dipping.
27. Do some volunteer work.
28. Go to the zoo.
29. Spend a rainy day watching movies in my pjs.
30. Not log into Facebook for a whole week.
31. Host a dinner party (aka inviting friends over for dinner)
32. Go to 5 different museums.
33. Make a birthday cake for someone.
34. Go vegetarian for a month.
35. Expand my vocabulary by 50 words.
36. Make a custom recipe book (or recipe box with recipes we use)
37. Have dinner by candlelight.
38. Bake cupcakes.
39. Finish all crossword/wordsearch books I currently own. I have a terrible habit of buying more...and never finishing any.
40. Don't cash in the change jar(s) for a year, not including the quarter cup (which is used for laundry)
41. Make a list of 25 good qualities of myself-seek help from others if needed.
42. Write a letter to myself to open at the end of 1001 days
43. Collect 101 postcards. (if you would like to help by sending me a postcard, let me know, no creeps!)
44. Write a list of 101 things I have already accomplished in my life.
45. Go to the theatre (including opera/ballet)
46. Send Christmas cards.
47. Try a new recipe every month.
48. Play a board game once a month.
49. Go to a roller derby.
50. No candy for a month.
51. Go without soda for a month.
52. Go do a palm reader/psychic.
53. Eat at 5 restaurants I've never been to.
54. Start a new tradition with my husband.
55. Print and frame recent pictures.
56. Complete 5,000 question survery.
57. Buy 20 scratch tickets. Scratch all at same time.
58. Pay for the person behind me at the drive-thru.
59. Go to the pumpkin patch.
60. Carve a jack-o-lantern.
61. Make a piece of jewelry for: C, myself, mama K, H, mama L, K, and A.
62. Feed the ducks/swans (bring camera!)
63. Stay at a bed and breakfast.
64. Unplug for a weekend.
65. Do something for a cause that means something to me (ex. MS, breast cancer, alcoholics, miscarriage...etc)
66. Go to a haunted house.
67. Donate 1,000,000 grains of rice.
68. Do 50 creative writing prompts.
69. Post 100 Operation Beautiful notes.
70. Try a fried Snickers.
71. Go sledding.
72. Give up something for Lent (yes, I know, I am not Catholic)
73. Attend Midnight Mass at least once.
74. Bake something vegan.
75. Bake something gluten-free
76. Leave phone at home when out with husband for one month (3 different months)
77. Make a "homemade" pizza (crust need not be homemade).
78. Wear heels more (once ever other month).
79. Learn how to crotchet squares.
80. Make a crotchet square blanket.
81. Finish C's blanket.
82. Catalog all books I currently own.
83. Sell all unnecessary books.
84. Go to the Douglas County Fair.
85. Ride a ferris wheel.
86. Ride zip line (in Branson)
87. Go swinging at a playground. (jumping from swing is optional!)
88. Try Indian food.
89. Learn how to successfully make pancakes.
90. Grow another plant from a leaf.
91. Go to the comedy club.
92. Add at least one angel to my collection.
93. Figure out and replace the missing number(s) to my angel calendar.
94. Finish C's bench.
95. Hehehe, this one y'all can't know! But I promise, its good.
96. Go to Lake Manawa.
97. Visit Platte River State Park.
98. Take a bubble bath once a week for a month.
99. Subscribe to a magazine.
100. Don't swear for a week. (add quarter for each word to above mentioned change jar)
101. Make a new list at the end of 1001 days.

I will keep y'all updated!

Its getting easier...

Today, we went to the doctor for our follow up to my miscarriage. It was ok. We talked about what is going on in the coming weeks/months and what I would have to do. The main thing is this, I had a natural miscarriage yesterday and they still have to test my blood to make sure my hcg levels go back to zero. I will have to go back every week or 2 weeks to have them draw blood. Fun. NOT! I hate needles, yes, I know I have tattoos but its different. The days have been easier, I know that I have been sad, but I don't cry all the time like I did when we first found out. I know that God has a plan for us and we just need to trust Him and believe that He knows what He is doing. We have found comfort in knowing that our little angel baby is in heaven with Grandma(his mom). Eventually, we will try again. For now, we are just trying to make sure that I am healthy and we will get to trying again eventually. The worst part! We can't make love until 6 weeks after my levels are at zero. (HELLO!! Chef??) I spoke with a friend last night, she miscarried mid-June...her levels are still at a 7!! Just think...lol...that could be us! 2 months later and still can't do anything! I guess we will have to wait it out.

I have found a great support on thebump.com, they have a miscarriage/pregnancy loss board there. I am able to share some of my fears and sadness on that board. I am able to get support there when the chef is at work. It sucks that he is working 6 days a week right now, but I am SO grateful that I have that board and he has been able to be there for every major appointment. I know, I am afraid of needles, but I am 26! I don't need my husband to come hold my hand while I get blood drawn. Yes, its very nice when he is there, but not necessary if thats all that is going on. He has been my rock and I love him more and more everyday. This experience has brought us together.

I have been on break from school, I don't go back until next month. I am grateful that I have had this time off to be able to take time and not have to worry about what is going on with everything else. I just have to worry about work. And occassionally, laundry. LOL My last baking class, I had a really hard time with my teacher. I haven't had the desire to really bake anything since. Next quarter I am taking a class called the physiology of flavor. Maybe that will give me back my mojo. Or maybe its just that since everything happened right after my final in my baking class, I am having a hard time with getting back in the saddle even though I had a really REALLY hard time with that teacher. Or maybe since I haven't been able to get a full night's rest in a LONG time, I just don't have the energy. We got a prescription for me from my OB to try and help me fall asleep so maybe I can get on a schedule.

My other heartbreak today, my weight. I have been aware that I am not a skinny mini anymore, but I would like to actively try and lose weight. The chef and I really need to stop eating out all the damn time. I would LOVE to just cook at home and have a homemade meal every day. I just need to find easy (for now since I am still dealing with everything else) recipes that I can make for myself and the chef can have when he gets home. Any ideas? If anyone has ANY recipes (my chef included) PLEASE let me know! I would love to kick-start my cooking again. Even if its slowly.

Flying with the Angels

I will keep this short and sweet because if I don't I might wind up bawling, like I have been for almost 6 days straight. We found out last night after many blood tests monitoring my HCG levels and 3 ultrasounds, we are losing the baby. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be at this time. The chef and I are grieving, it was going to be his first child and my second. We weren't trying or not trying, it was a welcome surprise we found out 2 weeks after our wedding. We were very excited and may eventually try again. I say "may" because right now, I don't want to think about trying again, I just want to grieve this loss and see what God has in store for us. I do want to have (more) children someday, just not sure when. Maybe in a few months or so. So a simple request, please keep us in your thoughts (and prayers).
I do believe that out little angel will be looking out for us. We loved the idea of being parents together.

Food is gooood!!

Yes, food is definately good! Most food that is. I am also a terrible blogger again. Nothing new there! Just getting settled into married life with the chef and I have my final on Wed. The stress was pretty bad for 2 weeks until the wedding and then, I was still tired all the time. I couldn't figure it out. We went to Branson, MO a week after the wedding. I really wish we had had more time there, I had a lot of fun just seeing the sites and walking around. That, and my in-laws live there and I had a great time with them. We were there over our birthdays. Had some bad food, and some great food. Also, some amazing custard!! Oh I wish we had an Andy's here!! Anyways, we got back, I thought maybe I was just exhausted from being in the car for 8 hours. Still tired on the Friday after, 2 weeks into our marriage. Turns out...we are expecting!! I mean, WTH! I guess we werent all that careful and, well, we are happy about it! Probably should get some much needed sleep right now though!

Married to a Chef!

Finally, I can officially say that I am married to a chef. Thats not why I got married. That would be crazy. I married my chef because I love him and he is my best friend and soulmate. This weekend we are going to his parent's house in MO. My birthday is tomorrow (Saturday) and his is on Sunday. Today, we have been married a week. Pretty freaking awesome. I had a big blowup on my Facebook last weekend. It was my family angry that they weren't invited or told about the wedding. Geesh! I didn't know I needed to put a bulletin out for when I do anything. Not like they don't get pregnant and have babies without me knowing. Speaking of babies, apparently there was a rumor going around that I am pregnant. HA! As if any of them know. I guess it started on my dad's side and floated to my mom's side of the family. Which is weird because my parents haven't been married to each other for 20+ years. I am happy, the chef is happy and we are getting out of town and off the internet for a few days. I can't wait. I love his parents, they are incredible. I am just worried I might forget something at home when it comes to packing!!! Have a good weekend, soon I will post some pictures of our wedding. Until then, I have to work tonight, school (mid-term) in the morning and we are off!

*cue the wedding march!*

Last night, the chef and I decided that we didn't want to wait until I am done with school to get married. My license is expiring next month on my birthday anyways. Why pay for it again? Just get married before and change my name and renew it at the same time! HAHAHA! Just kidding! We love each other, yes, we have our differences, but we really do love each other. We are a team, we discuss everything, sometimes beat it to death until it looks like roadkill at the indy 500. We are quirky (dont laugh chef, you know you are!), we have our own little sense of humor. We can almost always tell what the other is thinking by a look. I love the man. We are going to get married in 2 weeks. We will be going shopping for his ring and my simple band that I will be able to wear to school and work. Monday, we are going to get the marriage license. My good friend, K, described it as "whirlwind". I love it. We had to find someone who is ordained because neither of us can see us getting married in a courtroom. I had an acquaintance who is a minister/pastor/ (d, all of the above?) and she has a church. She agreed to the short notice and said it would take about 15-20 minutes. Thats all? The chef, he likes her already. K has been helping me decide what to do about everything bc I have no idea how to plan a small wedding on the fly. I guess that is how our life is, just winging it! Anyways, I have a ton on my mind and not sure how to write vows, I need to make a list of companies I need to inform of my new name, blah blah blah. WOW. Ok. Good night.

One Year!!!

So, yesterday was mine and the chef's one year anniversary. I have had an amazing time, mostly. There have been hard times, like holidays, and really great times, our birthdays....my christmas surprise...good food...love & support, just to name a few. I still remember when we met. I was waitressing at a restuarant close to his restaurant. He had just moved to Omaha and he had been here for about a week. He came in...or walked up? with a bunch of people from the restaurant he worked at. They all were sitting in my section which was the patio. I was trying to clean up so I could go home from a long night. (I had a boyfriend at the time and it wasnt worth it...) I didn't mind waiting on their table, mainly because they tip extremely well because its usually mostly servers. And they wouldnt give me a hard time for smoking on the job or cleaning up around them. Except, chef was sitting in my walkway so I was basically climbing over him. I'm sure I looked a mess, with my t-shirt advertising the restuarant and a few lewd things and suspenders with buttons that I attached. He drank black and tans (I was always afraid I would ruin the separation on these.) I was friendly with the table and since the chef was new, I explained a few things to him. They stayed for awhile and left. I saw him a bit after that when he would come into the restuarant, he mainly sat at the bar and drank black and tans and ate catfish nuggets. I was sad he never sat in my section again, but was friendly to him.

Eventually, my boyfriend at the time and I broke up. We were never meant to be, and I would still chat with the chef. One night, he said to me "If you ever want to hang out, let me know" I shrugged it off but thought about it quite a bit after that. I waited for him to come back in, it seemed like months....it was only maybe a week. By this time, everyone at work was waiting and watching for him to come in. He finally showed up when I was working and I went up and talked to him again and he again said "If you ever wanna hang out, let me know." I grew balls and said "Kinda hard for me to let you know since I only see you while I am working and have no way of getting ahold of you" I had a point! This still makes me smile to this day! We exchanged numbers and left it at that. I happened to be reading He's Just Not That Into You and I went home and read a part of the book that says if this happens, He's just not that into you. I was sad. So I decided to leave it alone and only see him at work. We had exchanged numbers on a Saturday night and he texted me on Monday, not sure if I was working. Wednesday, we had our first date, less than a week later, we were a couple. Now, a year later, we are engaged, living together, and sharing more than a conversation in a dark restaurant (for me, between customers). I am grateful that I grew balls that day, I was missing out on an amazing man!!

**If you are reading this, I want you to know, I love you. And I am grateful for every (bad & good) day we have together. You keep me balanced, hold me when I am sad and make me laugh. You have always been a constant support to me in whatever I want to do and I couldn't ask for a better man. Thank you! :)

Father's Day 2010

Today is Father's Day 2010, and I am a daughter who has a father, who has turned his back on me. For those of you new to my blog, I am a recovering alcoholic with over 3 years of sobriety. I had a hard time finding my way when I was younger. I am 25 (soon to be 26), recently engaged to a Chef. I started drinking when I was 14. I thought it was fun. I drank throughout high school and after graduation. I lived with my (mormon) grandparents right after school let out until Feb. of 2003. I was asked to move out around Christmas in 2002 because I had recently found out I was pregnant. I moved back in with my dad. My daughter was born July 25th 2003. In November of 2003, my dad asked me to move out. I was only 19 and had a 4 month old in tow. I was in school for Criminal Justice, that only lasted a quarter. I dropped out, I was still drinking, although I had stopped while I was pregnant. In November 2005, I was being evicted from my apartment of 2 years and I was going to be homeless. My mother approached me, offering to let my daughter live with her so my daughter wouldnt have to be homeless with me. I packed my daughter's belongings into my mother's car and said good-bye. My mom lives an hour away. I had no job and had the daunting task of packing the rest of our belongings and trying to figure out what to do. I put everything in storage. I continued drinking. I was staying with a friend of mine, not working, just partying. Then, I got 2 jobs, shortly after, I injured myself at one job and had to quit the other. I was placed on leave had to move again. I was renting a room in a house with a house of strangers. We drank, a lot. I got evicted from there, I stayed with my friend again for 2 weeks. She told me I needed to find something. I was just getting sober, about 3 weeks. I moved into a 3/4 way house and lived there for 5 months before moving in with my boyfriend at the time. That lasted about a month before I had to find my own place because he went back to rehab and our roommate was doing meth in his room. I moved into my apartment, I have been here for 3 years. I have seen my dad once since I have been sober. I am an outsider. A lot of times, I feel like a bad parent. I am going to school to get my degree in Culinary Arts: Baking/Pastry. I have been on the Dean's List for 2 quarters in a row. My father doesnt know this. Easter, 2008, he told me he has given up on me. I havent spoken to him since. I guess, I received a call from my step mom saying there was a death in the family, but that is all. He used to be my hero. I used to look up to my dad for making mine and my brother's lives better. We are so estranged that I dont think he will even attend my wedding, let alone walk me down the aisle. I am his only daughter. I know that I have made my own mistakes with him, I own up to those. I can only do the next best thing to mend the fences. I dont get phone calls on my birthday from any family members. When I was a girl, my dad always told me he would love me unconditionally. I know unconditional love this day, and it isnt from my father. I get unconditional love from my aunt and uncle, my fiance, my sponsor and my few friends that have stuck by me through the years. I know what conditional love is, and its sad to say that it comes from the people who told me they would love me forever. People talk about a parent's love for their child, that a mother never stops loving a child. I know this because that is the love I have for my own daughter. My mother, I think she stopped loving me a long time ago. She loves my daughter, but I doubt she can honestly say she loves me. Any correspondance I recieve from her is signed with her legal name, not "mom". I know. Its hard to understand. I dont expect sympathy, however if you have the chance to be with you father today, give him an extra hug, from me. If you only get to talk to him, tell him how much he really means to you, if he is your hero, let him know. I know my dad wont be around forever, but it seems like he is already gone.

All holidays are hard for me, not just because of this but because of the demands of my fiance's job. We will have our anniversary on Tuesday and Father's Day is the last holiday of our first year of "terrible" holidays. We are really going to make an effort to make every holiday special to us in our own way from now on. I cant say that I will always be upbeat, but I will try.

***Please note: I am not asking for any sort of sympathy or judgement. I know this may not be how you would handle things, but it is my life and I have sought out opinions of trusted friends and family member(s) throughout my journey in life. This is what is best right now and I am working on righting my wrongs. Only God or my Creator can judge me, please do not comment if this isnt who you are. Also, I am sorry if I offend you