finals! finally!!

finally, the week of finals. this quarter seems to have just been longer than last. i think its because i have been so unhappy with the job. im so glad that i am getting a new one!!! i *seriously* hate my job. last week, i was scheduled 2 shifts. 1 of which i cannot get home from (without walking a mile uphill and then taking an hour long bus only to pick up the car from the chef's work) and the other shift, i am not available for. sooo sorry y'all cant quite get things together and figure out how to schedule people!!! 2 weeks ago, there was no schedule made. i got a text at midnight asking me to open the next day (6:30am). seriously? wtf?! so that week, the chef and i talked it to death and decided i would go and apply at all the bakeries in the area. BIG pain in the ass. but, worth it. i had 2 interviews in the last 2 weeks and went and filled out the job offer. its only for 1-2 days a week (less than 20 hours). i get paid better. its with a large company (yay!) and i might learn how to bake with the bakers :). i wont be late getting a schedule, my paychecks wont bounce, they will work with my schooling, did i mention i get paid better? hahaha. sorry. very excited about this. this week at my current job, i am working 1 day. i still havent gotten my (bouncy-ball) paycheck and i dont know if it will clear. the whole job is a f-in joke. i understand its a place that has a hard time paying payroll. i also know they have been struggling financially. but the kicker: I KNOW THEY HAVENT BEEN GETTING INVOICES TO COMPANIES THAT WILL PAY THEM ON THE REGULAR! mainly, my chef's. i hear about it. i KNOW. for sure. see, the chef buys the bread from the bakery i work for. the owner, he cant get an invoice to the chef to save his life...ok maybe...but not on the regular. so, no invoice, no money for bread. how hard is it to understand? apparently, very. i was told a bunch of fluff when i took the job. i am very qualified to work there, i have waitressing experience, i am in culinary school, i have worked fast food. i have also done outbound telesales. not hard to sell bread, clean the place, and make sandwiches. not really what i took the job to do though. i was told i would learn to bake. someone else was told that and worked there longer than i and didnt. LAME. so, i am getting out of it. THANK GOD.

anyways, finals are here. i had a presentation (bet you didnt know that did ya chef? you didnt ask) tonight. i did my project on immigrants. i titled my slideshow "Arizona: Anti-immigrant or Anti-Mexican? Why I would learn Spanish for my culinary carreer" yea, it was goood. i might post the paper sometime. its sad what is happening and what is going to happen. that was actually for my information systems and technologies class. for my spanish class, i translated a brioche recipe and then got some general baking terms translated too. the book we use it doesnt have any baking terms in it so i figured i would get some and make a copy for the whole class. im a nice girl like that :)

the chef and i are doing well. a few miscommunication issues but i think we iron things out fairly well. he met my (favorite) aunt yesterday and we both had the chance to hold my baby cousin (he is 4 months). then we looked at a house. we are still going to look at a few other houses we found online but at lease we are looking. hopefully i will be able to spend more time with my aunt again before she goes back to texas.

Busy, busy!

lately, I have been busy. Just working, not this week tho! and going to school. i have family coming into town it seems like this entire month. and then the chef is going back to 6 days a week again. (lame!) with all the issues at my job, we decided that it would be best if i started applying for a new job. yesterday, my boss decided not to make the schedule, he said for me to text him what hours i was available, which i did in a timely manner, then text him to let me know my schedule. i got a text at 12:04AM, asking if i would open (6:30am is open). personally, i dont think its very nice to text people so late. the chef and i were in bed at 11:30 and i had gotten up to smoke a cigarette. i keep my phone in the living room because as i have gotten older, i dont need or want to have interruptions so much in the middle of the night. it isnt an emergency that my boss doesnt know how to make the schedule and get it out to people in a timely manner. its not an emergency that i text him at 7:03 for him to let me know my schedule and he waits 4 hours because his phone "died". yea, sorry, i dont buy that. so the chef and i decided that i would ignore the text in the middle of the night *oops!* and start to look for a new job. im never going to be able to bake at my current job, im not ever going to get a schedule before the week starts. my life shouldnt and wont revolve around someone with poor business ethics. ohhh and, im always going to wonder when my check is going to magically appear and whether i can cash it or not. thats no way to live! the chef and i decided we had enough! so...i went out and put in 4 physical applications and was told by at least 2 places they flat out werent hiring (and LEAVE) nooo not that mean, but close. and one place the door was locked? weird. and another place, i think i might've found my boss's match! hahahaha. sorry it was hilarious. i then came home and ate, my stomach was growling way too loud and put in 2 more applications online. more to be put in tomorrow!

still not talking to my "friend" i dont know what to do about her. at least she hasnt tried to text or message me since thursday. the silence, its well....golden! it just seems that after a review of our friendship, it might not be worth it. who really needs toxic friends? life is hard enough. why add to it? yes, i did decide to enter into my relationship with my chef. i knew it was going to be hard, but if i cant have friends that are going to be there (even just to hang out), whats the point? there are a lot of red flags with this girl:
1. her thing about how much the chef makes. her comment was "if i knew how much he made i might be like 'hi!'" *batting eyelashes*---kinda makes me think that a) she is a gold digger and b) she might deep down want my man....not gonna happen! ha!
2. she told me she hates my engagement ring---its not about whether she likes it or not, i LOVE it!
3. the comment that she might "ruin" my(our) wedding. regardless of her explanation behind this: a) she is too big and would make me look bad: HELLO!!! do something about it and im not talking about a 2 week "diet" you gave up on because it was "too hard" and b) she would bawl thru the whole thing because she feels like she is losing a friend....why not think of it as you are gaining a friend??? oh wait! red flag #2 ruined that for ya!
4. the incident years ago (like 4) where she told my daughter's father that my ex and i were putting my daughter in the middle of our breakup causing years of strain with my daughter's father and i and CPS to show up at my house (thanks "friend"!)
5. she claimed she was going to get help for her depression, after speaking to a mutual friend, she hasnt gotten the much needed help
6. she said she was upset about the engagement because she was having a bad day and my news didnt help...WHAT? that would make me happy! not bring me down. i guess different people handle good news different ways.....hmmm
7. after i got upset with her for her reasons why she wasnt happy for me, she randomly showed up at my house...with flowers. sat around my house after apologizing to me and i told her i needed time to think about things, she hung around until 1am...btw, she showed up at 11pm. then, she said she would let me think about things on my own and let me come to her. instead, every couple of days, i have gotten a text or message from her. sounds like she is doing what she said!! not

ok, im not a complete bitch. maybe i am wrong about her. i dont know. i need input. i have lots going on with my job and finals are starting here soon too, i dont have a lot of time to exactly sit around and contemplate my friendship with the girl. sorry if that makes me bad. input would be helpful though!!

More to come!!
-Jes

Exciting

why hello! i cant keep apologizing that i am absent. i am a busy person. especially since i have been working 4 days a week and i go to school 3 days a week...some of these overlap. which leaves me with just one day off...and that happens to be the day off with the chef! yay! tonight, we are having a date. i am pretty excited about this. i am currently at work, but i have a laptop and wi-fi so i am in business! and its pretty slow. i figured it wouldnt hurt to at least say hello and catch y'all up on the business of...well my life! so, ummm...i had my midterm in my baking basics class. i got a 100% on my practical portion of that and i didnt do so hot on my written portion. just means i need to work harder. i had a test in my spanish class last thursday, i got a B on it. i cried because i didnt know some of the words that i needed to. i was upset because i felt like i was going to disappoint chef. i want to do well for myself and i want him to be proud of me. i just kinda broke down for a minute. this week, in spanish, we are going to the mexican grocery store and then a bakery and then go eat at a restaurant. i already know im going to be bringing home some food for the chef. it will be a nice treat for him. SPEAKING of the chef!! he proposed to me on friday night, and i said YES! after a min...lol. i gotta keep him in suspense. it was super cute and he didnt get down on one knee or anything, but i guess he didnt realize i had already put the ring on my finger before i said yes. i love him so much. i am very excited about starting my life with him as his wife. but, for now, i am his fiancee, at least until i finish school. and i am ok with that. i need the time to bring my best friend around or replace her. grrrr. i went off and found her the night he proposed, she wasnt even happy for me. last night, we had a long talk and i feel like nothing was accomplished. it hurts my feelings so much that she cant even be happy for me. i know she has a lot going on in her life, i do too, but she was upset because the day he proposed, SHE was having a bad day. didnt know we needed to make sure she was having a good day before giving her good news. it should have cheered her up. instead, she is being selfish. i am supposed to be on cloud nine right now (it still hasnt hit me yet) but i cant be happy with her trying to constantly bring me down. if she isnt going to be happy for me now, how is she going to be on my wedding day? i know she might just need some time, but she is upset for stupid reasons. however legitament they are to her. she even told me she is mad for stupid reasons. i just feel like i cant put my life on hold just for her. *sigh* i dont know how to carry on with the whole situation.

Easter Fiasco

omg. terrible easter! but, no tears so far! which is good, this has been my favorite holiday and i have been distracted away from the fact that i dont have my daughter. it started with the chef, he had to only work an hour today. which was early this morning. i got up with him because it seemed like he was refusing to get up. i was up probably for an hour and a half and had to go lay down. i hurt my back (i think i pinched a nerve) and have been trying to take things slow. i thought i was superwoman the other day and switched the mattresses and boxsprings by myself and hurt myself in the process. i didnt miss class on friday but i did miss my spanish class on thursday. my teacher was understanding and i checked my voicemails after class on friday and received a very sweet voicemail from my teacher wishing me well. it helped because i was bawling in class on friday because my teacher is such a dick. i had made lemon merigne pie (i cant spell!) and i didnt bake the top enough to cook the eggs. my bad. he told me he wasnt going to try it (again!) asshole. so, i got upset. he actually cut into it, my lemon was perfect and gave me an 8 out of 10. made me happier.
back to easter! we went out for a nice lunch after i slept until nearly 1:30! i needed the sleep. then we went and got my digital scale for my baking class. we were driving home and saw a car accident. the chef was going to go a different way and forgot to turn, but then we were going to go thru a parking lot and i saw they were letting cars thru, so we turned. i realized it was my best friend's car. she got broadsided on her passenger side. it was at an intersection we use frequently to get from her house to mine and back. i freaked out. the chef, of course, didnt believe it was her car but she was standing on the corner with her family. he couldnt park the car fast enough. she is ok. she is shaken up. they gave her a ticket for "failure to yeild". assholes. there was a lot of drama going on because she called her mom and asked her to come and the entire family HAD to show up. give me a fucking break. her uncle nearly got arrested and my best friend just really needed a calm voice and a hug. it looks like her frame is bent and her front axel is broken on the passenger side. this isnt what she needs right now, but i guess i just need to be there for her. the couple that hit her, they are and 80-something couple in their sunday best. the woman's airbag deployed and she got a bloody nose and a swollen face. she got some blood on her jacket but said "if this jacket is the only casualty today, im ok with that" i guess it was something to keep my mind away from all the other crap. anyways, off to watch a comedy with the chef! i love watching movies with him lately!

I know nothing....

my last post was about my aunt. i still know nothing. it drives me nuts. i dont know if the number i have for her is correct or not. i cannot call. i spoke with her ex-husband earlier today. her oldest daughter (my 18 year old cousin) is coming here for sure starting memorial day weekend. im pretty excited about it....then i look at the calendar. i was supposed to be in chicago with my chef when she is in town. i guess god doesnt want me to go to chicago. not only that, but the chef had said that we would try for the trip on my next break...which falls over memorial day weekend. why am i dreading that stupid holiday more than i am dreading easter? because its the start of the summer? because it will be less than a month until our anniversary and the chef will be out of town (again?). he thinks he can just cancel the trip. the trip is to the indy 500. he planned it before we started dating. the guy he is going with, its his regional (?) chef. he asks him about once a week to make sure that chef b is going. this chef already has his ticket! he cant just cancel because my cousin is going to be in town. or because its the renn faire that weekend. or that we keep putting off this trip to chicago....chef, if you are reading this, i got that sweater for doing good in my classes, remember? i dont want to go to chicago anymore. everytime i think about it, it makes me depressed. i just wanted to try a dessert. thats all. i guess the biggest part that gets me is this: when we plan our honeymoon (which im pretty sure will happen), will it get pushed aside because of work? because of other plans? i dont know the answers to these questions.. maybe someone does...

Life is short...

life is short. life is too short for fighting. its too short to live on "what ifs.."

a few weeks ago, i was getting facebook messages from my aunt regarding a biopsy she had. the message said that they found no cancer but were sending it in for a second opinion. i never heard another word about it. today, i got a message from her via facebook chat. she said she was doing good considering everything that is going on. i asked her what she meant. she has cancer. breast cancer. i was unable to ask her the prognosis or anything like that but she will be emailing me updates. even though she lives 30-45 mins away, it has been awhile since i last saw her. about a year, i think. im not on very good terms with my family, to say the least. its hard for people to understand and accept that people change. i think that its even harder for my family to do that. i havent spoken with my dad in 2 years. my mom, probably the same amount of time, if not more. they have said mean things to me and i cant just continue to put myself in the situation where i am going to be degraded everytime i talk to them. i will just spend my time bettering myself (ie school, working, etc). i know i am not perfect, but i dont need everyone in my life pointing out all my defects, big or small. i tear myself down enough on a daily basis (im working on that too). the last time i saw my aunt, her husband, my uncle, had just gotten out of surgery. he had cancer removed from his body. so yea, this is hard. its not fair to put my aunt through all of this. i know that god doesnt give us more than we can handle, but COME ON! really? and her kids, 2 of them at least, live in hawaii and never come to nebraska. yes, her daughter is coming here in june for 10 days, but what if something happens? not a very fair way to get to know your mother. i didnt ask the other hard questions. i know its breast cancer. i dont want to know if its heritary or not. i dont give a fuck. my grandma, she is a breast cancer survivor. she had the heritary kind. im at risk. chef b, hes aware of it. i watched the bucket list when it came out in theaters, i bawled. it made me not want to have anymore children because "what if". fuck that. it will make them stronger, and me too. i just worry a lot. and im sorry its depressing. i cant help but cry because i feel so helpless.

on another note, i had my first test in my spanish for foodservice professionals class last night, i got a 98%. now, it just feels like nothing with everything else.

Lo siento.

i am sorry, that is my translation for today. i havent been around, i know my boyfriend has reminded me i havent posted in awhile. things have been crazy-busy around here. first off, the quarter ended, then the chef was moving in (and still is). then, there was the fact that i had a horrible cold and still occassionally have a cough. so i was missing work. then, we got new furniture, and new stuff for the apartment. our apartment is a wreck, simply because we havent had time or energy to put into it.
school started last week, omg! every new quarter i get super nervous. i dont know why, i just do. i worry about everything, "will i know anyone?", "what am i doing in school?! i cant do this!", "what if my teacher is a prick?!", "i cant do this!". yes, i have a lot of voices in my head saying negative things to me and about myself. i need to quiet them down. i have already had 2 of my classes and a TON of homework for both of them. i start another class tomorrow night and it should be a breeze. I HOPE. i realized today that i will have ONE day off this week. so, pretty busy on that front.
we also joined a gym! i am excited about this! i dont want to be out of shape and i have trouble areas i really want to work on. i am starting slow, we only went once and i power walked almost a mile. i was doing good! today though, the chef was sick and i lazed my day after work happy that i completely my spanish homework.
SPANISH! that brings me to another thing! omg! i was really irked by the whole thing. i was at work doing my spanish (for culinary/foodservice professionals) and a customer walked in. she was an older lady and she got her bread and somehow it came up i was doing my spanish homework. i told her what i was going to school for and she said "why do you need to know spanish? its not like the recipes are in spanish!" i held down my urge to smack her. i smiled sweetly and informed her that most people who work in the kitchens nowadays, are mexican or speak spanish. the look on her face was, well, PRICELESS! she looked appalled that mexicans cook her food. i ALMOST told her that a mexican made the bread she loves so much. i hate how closedminded people are. so lady, no! the recipes arent in spanish, a lot of the ones i might want to use are in french originally, however, thanks to julia child and countless others, i dont need to learn french in order to bake. stupid people make me mad, and dont even get me started on the stupid behaviors of my boss or others....

does your chef employ mexicans or people who speak spanish? mine does, they are hard workers and cause little problems! we also have mexican bakers at my work. my last job, we ONLY had mexicans working in the kitchen. works for me!
hasta luego!
-Jes