ahhh...books

i love reading. i have been reading the Gourmet Girl series by Jessica Conant-Park. i got caught up in desperatechefswives.com and she was talking about the books, so i decided to borrow the books from the library. i have been low on funds and have been wanting to read a ton of books, so since i havent seen my chef that much, i decided to reserve a bunch from the library and pick them up. there is a location right down the street from my apartment, so i have a lot to keep me busy. great books by the way!! i started the first one yesterday and am almost finished with it. i know there is a new one out or coming out so i am excited to get caught up and read that one too!

im finally starting to feel like a culinary student. i got most of the kinks worked out with financial aid and was able to get one of my books, my chef uniform (from the school), and prepay for my pastry kit. my chef showed up a few minutes after i got home from the school and plops this HUGE toolbox in my living room. so i ask him "whats that?" he says "come over here and take a look" so i open it....and its a toolbox for ME! i was so excited. its basically everything that will be in my pastry kit from school and MORE! he sat on the floor with me, which i dont think i have ever seen him do and we went thru it all together. i was soo excited. i wanted to just take everything out later and look at it piece by piece but i was afraid my chef would think i was some sort of nerd. but i also think he would understand. what made the toolbox so special....the fact that it was his for about 10 years. he said it used to be covered in stickers from his days of using it. he peeled them all off and filled it with stuff for me. i felt so special. he informed me that its now mine and i can put my own stickers on it to make it mine. i know he has been working on it since i took my admissions tests for the school. i cant believe he took that kind of effort and time for me. and speaking of school, i finally got my other grade for my other class, it too was an A. so i have a 4.0 GPA. i never thought that would happen, just more to strive for i guess!

Holidays...and life

ok, thanksgiving is coming up, in case anyone has forgotten. i know that this is a "family" holiday, but i dont have any family here that i really feel connected to. yes, i have family here that is blood-related and they dont talk to me. years ago (almost 2 now) my dad decided to inform me that he has given up on me. he didnt explain this to me and hasnt really spoken to me since. i think i have received one phone call from my step mom since, and that was to inform me of a family death. my step sister informed me that what my dad really meant is that he has given up on me as being a mother to my child. he never took the time to really explain this. my mom currently has my daughter and has forbidden me to go to any family functions where my daughter would be present. so i have basically been exiled out of the family. most of my family doesnt speak to me. i have an uncle who is a police officer and he works in the same area that my last job was so he would say hello to me and ask how i was doing, but that was the extent of it. i have 2 aunts, they both live outside of the area (in different states) that keep in contact with me. one lives in TX and wishes she could be here for me all the time. she has been a mother figure to me ever since my mom stopped being that for me. DONT JUDGE, you dont know the whole story. i am a RECOVERING alcoholic. im TRYING. there is more to this whole thing and it will take a whole series of blogs to explain this and its very complicated. so basically, another holiday rolls around and im here alone, again. because my mom refuses to see that i have been trying for 3+ years to change. i want to be there for my daughter. i started going to school, because i wanted out of my last job, but i realized that no matter how hard i tried, i cant get a position past entry level without going to school first. my chef and i have been agruing for the past few weeks now about what we are going to do for thanksgiving. to me, i would much rather be with people who love and care about me and make me feel welcome. i have been invited to my sponsor's grandmother's house for dinner. not just me, but my chef too. i feel loved and welcome there. its nice. i dont have to be someone im not. i can just be a part of the family. my chef's family doesnt live here, so he is going along with it for me. but i have to do his bidding on christmas. i HATE christmas. i only hate it because i dont have my little girl with me and thats really who its for. i really just needed to vent. judge me not, because only god can judge me....

sad face

still no followers eh?! oh well. this is more for me to vent than anything. right now, its frustrating to be with my chef, mentally, but not physically. i finished my first quarter at school and i got an A on my paper and an A in one of my classes (i dont know about the other class yet). and i have barely spoken to my chef all week. the last time i saw him, he was sleeping in my bed and i had to go take my sanitation(ServSafe certification) test. i dont even have a job to occupy my time. i just sit at home and read, which i got 9 books from the library yesterday and i think im halfway thru one). but its really hard. i was so excited to have an A in a class, i havent gotten an A and actually tried in so long. it felt so good, but i havent been able to share it with my chef. wow. im depressing....sorry.

Finals...

ok, my computer broke, lame. so i havent been able to blog. heres a summary of what happened:

my computer broke, so no more reading blogs or writing mine. my chef is finally getting a vacation the week of thanksgiving, so i think we will both be giving thanks for that. about a week ago, i lost my job, which is ok, since finals are today! im sitting here procrastinating/trying to wake up to study for said finals. im on a borrowed computer right now, so that is ok. i had it all weekend and am just now getting around to blogging. OH! i finally heard back from FAFSA and financial aid at the school, it looks like i WILL be able to take my classes next quarter! pretty excited/nervous. ohhhh and i got a new tattoo. a friend of mine works at the same tattoo place my chef gets his tattoos done and i have had 3 of my piercings done. i have been a customer of theirs for 7 years so they are all pretty familiar with me. ...sorry, im new to this adding pictures thing and its not going where i want it to!