*cue the wedding march!*

Last night, the chef and I decided that we didn't want to wait until I am done with school to get married. My license is expiring next month on my birthday anyways. Why pay for it again? Just get married before and change my name and renew it at the same time! HAHAHA! Just kidding! We love each other, yes, we have our differences, but we really do love each other. We are a team, we discuss everything, sometimes beat it to death until it looks like roadkill at the indy 500. We are quirky (dont laugh chef, you know you are!), we have our own little sense of humor. We can almost always tell what the other is thinking by a look. I love the man. We are going to get married in 2 weeks. We will be going shopping for his ring and my simple band that I will be able to wear to school and work. Monday, we are going to get the marriage license. My good friend, K, described it as "whirlwind". I love it. We had to find someone who is ordained because neither of us can see us getting married in a courtroom. I had an acquaintance who is a minister/pastor/ (d, all of the above?) and she has a church. She agreed to the short notice and said it would take about 15-20 minutes. Thats all? The chef, he likes her already. K has been helping me decide what to do about everything bc I have no idea how to plan a small wedding on the fly. I guess that is how our life is, just winging it! Anyways, I have a ton on my mind and not sure how to write vows, I need to make a list of companies I need to inform of my new name, blah blah blah. WOW. Ok. Good night.

One Year!!!

So, yesterday was mine and the chef's one year anniversary. I have had an amazing time, mostly. There have been hard times, like holidays, and really great times, our birthdays....my christmas surprise...good food...love & support, just to name a few. I still remember when we met. I was waitressing at a restuarant close to his restaurant. He had just moved to Omaha and he had been here for about a week. He came in...or walked up? with a bunch of people from the restaurant he worked at. They all were sitting in my section which was the patio. I was trying to clean up so I could go home from a long night. (I had a boyfriend at the time and it wasnt worth it...) I didn't mind waiting on their table, mainly because they tip extremely well because its usually mostly servers. And they wouldnt give me a hard time for smoking on the job or cleaning up around them. Except, chef was sitting in my walkway so I was basically climbing over him. I'm sure I looked a mess, with my t-shirt advertising the restuarant and a few lewd things and suspenders with buttons that I attached. He drank black and tans (I was always afraid I would ruin the separation on these.) I was friendly with the table and since the chef was new, I explained a few things to him. They stayed for awhile and left. I saw him a bit after that when he would come into the restuarant, he mainly sat at the bar and drank black and tans and ate catfish nuggets. I was sad he never sat in my section again, but was friendly to him.

Eventually, my boyfriend at the time and I broke up. We were never meant to be, and I would still chat with the chef. One night, he said to me "If you ever want to hang out, let me know" I shrugged it off but thought about it quite a bit after that. I waited for him to come back in, it seemed like months....it was only maybe a week. By this time, everyone at work was waiting and watching for him to come in. He finally showed up when I was working and I went up and talked to him again and he again said "If you ever wanna hang out, let me know." I grew balls and said "Kinda hard for me to let you know since I only see you while I am working and have no way of getting ahold of you" I had a point! This still makes me smile to this day! We exchanged numbers and left it at that. I happened to be reading He's Just Not That Into You and I went home and read a part of the book that says if this happens, He's just not that into you. I was sad. So I decided to leave it alone and only see him at work. We had exchanged numbers on a Saturday night and he texted me on Monday, not sure if I was working. Wednesday, we had our first date, less than a week later, we were a couple. Now, a year later, we are engaged, living together, and sharing more than a conversation in a dark restaurant (for me, between customers). I am grateful that I grew balls that day, I was missing out on an amazing man!!

**If you are reading this, I want you to know, I love you. And I am grateful for every (bad & good) day we have together. You keep me balanced, hold me when I am sad and make me laugh. You have always been a constant support to me in whatever I want to do and I couldn't ask for a better man. Thank you! :)

Father's Day 2010

Today is Father's Day 2010, and I am a daughter who has a father, who has turned his back on me. For those of you new to my blog, I am a recovering alcoholic with over 3 years of sobriety. I had a hard time finding my way when I was younger. I am 25 (soon to be 26), recently engaged to a Chef. I started drinking when I was 14. I thought it was fun. I drank throughout high school and after graduation. I lived with my (mormon) grandparents right after school let out until Feb. of 2003. I was asked to move out around Christmas in 2002 because I had recently found out I was pregnant. I moved back in with my dad. My daughter was born July 25th 2003. In November of 2003, my dad asked me to move out. I was only 19 and had a 4 month old in tow. I was in school for Criminal Justice, that only lasted a quarter. I dropped out, I was still drinking, although I had stopped while I was pregnant. In November 2005, I was being evicted from my apartment of 2 years and I was going to be homeless. My mother approached me, offering to let my daughter live with her so my daughter wouldnt have to be homeless with me. I packed my daughter's belongings into my mother's car and said good-bye. My mom lives an hour away. I had no job and had the daunting task of packing the rest of our belongings and trying to figure out what to do. I put everything in storage. I continued drinking. I was staying with a friend of mine, not working, just partying. Then, I got 2 jobs, shortly after, I injured myself at one job and had to quit the other. I was placed on leave had to move again. I was renting a room in a house with a house of strangers. We drank, a lot. I got evicted from there, I stayed with my friend again for 2 weeks. She told me I needed to find something. I was just getting sober, about 3 weeks. I moved into a 3/4 way house and lived there for 5 months before moving in with my boyfriend at the time. That lasted about a month before I had to find my own place because he went back to rehab and our roommate was doing meth in his room. I moved into my apartment, I have been here for 3 years. I have seen my dad once since I have been sober. I am an outsider. A lot of times, I feel like a bad parent. I am going to school to get my degree in Culinary Arts: Baking/Pastry. I have been on the Dean's List for 2 quarters in a row. My father doesnt know this. Easter, 2008, he told me he has given up on me. I havent spoken to him since. I guess, I received a call from my step mom saying there was a death in the family, but that is all. He used to be my hero. I used to look up to my dad for making mine and my brother's lives better. We are so estranged that I dont think he will even attend my wedding, let alone walk me down the aisle. I am his only daughter. I know that I have made my own mistakes with him, I own up to those. I can only do the next best thing to mend the fences. I dont get phone calls on my birthday from any family members. When I was a girl, my dad always told me he would love me unconditionally. I know unconditional love this day, and it isnt from my father. I get unconditional love from my aunt and uncle, my fiance, my sponsor and my few friends that have stuck by me through the years. I know what conditional love is, and its sad to say that it comes from the people who told me they would love me forever. People talk about a parent's love for their child, that a mother never stops loving a child. I know this because that is the love I have for my own daughter. My mother, I think she stopped loving me a long time ago. She loves my daughter, but I doubt she can honestly say she loves me. Any correspondance I recieve from her is signed with her legal name, not "mom". I know. Its hard to understand. I dont expect sympathy, however if you have the chance to be with you father today, give him an extra hug, from me. If you only get to talk to him, tell him how much he really means to you, if he is your hero, let him know. I know my dad wont be around forever, but it seems like he is already gone.

All holidays are hard for me, not just because of this but because of the demands of my fiance's job. We will have our anniversary on Tuesday and Father's Day is the last holiday of our first year of "terrible" holidays. We are really going to make an effort to make every holiday special to us in our own way from now on. I cant say that I will always be upbeat, but I will try.

***Please note: I am not asking for any sort of sympathy or judgement. I know this may not be how you would handle things, but it is my life and I have sought out opinions of trusted friends and family member(s) throughout my journey in life. This is what is best right now and I am working on righting my wrongs. Only God or my Creator can judge me, please do not comment if this isnt who you are. Also, I am sorry if I offend you

Taste of Omaha

Well, first week back at school :( its a bummer, but it keeps me occupied and busy and I really DO enjoy learning. Yesterday was the start of Taste of Omaha. I parked the car (Betsy) by the chef's restaurant and walked through the park and took some pictures of stuff. I enjoy taking pictures, it relaxes me. I wish I had thought to bring our bread that we dont eat (the "butts") to feed to the geese. maybe they would have been more photogenic. HA! Anyways, we had gotten my Wii at a rent-to-own place and paid it off so as a promotional thing, we got to "rent" something for free for 30 days. We got a new camera. Its 10 megapixels. Exciting for me, the chef is happy since that leave my old camera unattended. So he can take it to work and take pictures with it instead of his phone.

I took this picture kinda far away and just cropped it. I very nearly got a perfect heart!

This little guy was hiding behind the 2 swans. Too cute!

Ok, thats all for now, I am supposed to be in class right now, but Betsy decided she wanted to act up this morning and get a flat. I might post a picture of what was actually in our tire. Thats what happens when the chef talks about trading her in or selling her in her presence! (last time this happened our brakes went out and cost us a lot more than just $21!)
OH! And I walked around the Taste of Omaha for awhile, a lot of restaurants were there, but I was too hot to eat any hot food in the heat. It was a good time, hopefully the chef will want to go with me some...year...

Summer?

These last 2 weeks have kinda flown by. I finished up last quarter of school with an A in Baking Basics and Spanish for Culinary Professionals. And a B in Information Systems and Literacy. Yay. I hated Information. It was stupid. I should have tested out. But the test out was 4 HOURS long of my own time. I didnt have that time at the time. lol. So now, I am starting the new quarter tomorrow and I am taking English (for idiots) twice a week for 5 weeks, Pastries for 10 weeks and Human Relations for 10 weeks. Im not sure how I will do in Human Relations. I am not very good with people.. hence why I would rather bake than be a waitress or a teacher...haha. I had a nice little break from school, too short of a break if you ask me. I saw my aunt from TX before school was out for 2 weeks. I saw my step sister, her husband, and their daughter (for the first time) while I was at the La Vista Days Parade. I actually sat with them. I was planning on leaving after an hour or so and stayed for most of the (long) parade. I was sunburned. Now I am peeling! yay! Then I had orientation for my new job at Whole Foods. I think I am really going to like it. If I ever get the hang of being on my feet again. The chef and I went to the Reniassance Festival. It was a lot smaller now they have it at Scary Acres. It was HUGE when I went to it at Iowa Western Community College. We went on the last day so that might've had something to do with it? The chef is back to 6 days, not sure how long but we didn't do much of anything yesterday. We keep saying we are going to go to the Aksarben Farmer's Market, never do. He has complained that I never ask to go take pictures, I did once and he begged off. We were invited to Fun Plex (waterpark) by a tattoo place that we both go to for their 10th annivarsary party and we didnt go to that either. We got his bike and went grocery shopping (not on the bike! it still doesnt have a passenger seat). Now I have all my books and I am (not) ready for school to start again. I am just tired, I guess. Maybe someday I will sleep in...hahahaha

finals! finally!!

finally, the week of finals. this quarter seems to have just been longer than last. i think its because i have been so unhappy with the job. im so glad that i am getting a new one!!! i *seriously* hate my job. last week, i was scheduled 2 shifts. 1 of which i cannot get home from (without walking a mile uphill and then taking an hour long bus only to pick up the car from the chef's work) and the other shift, i am not available for. sooo sorry y'all cant quite get things together and figure out how to schedule people!!! 2 weeks ago, there was no schedule made. i got a text at midnight asking me to open the next day (6:30am). seriously? wtf?! so that week, the chef and i talked it to death and decided i would go and apply at all the bakeries in the area. BIG pain in the ass. but, worth it. i had 2 interviews in the last 2 weeks and went and filled out the job offer. its only for 1-2 days a week (less than 20 hours). i get paid better. its with a large company (yay!) and i might learn how to bake with the bakers :). i wont be late getting a schedule, my paychecks wont bounce, they will work with my schooling, did i mention i get paid better? hahaha. sorry. very excited about this. this week at my current job, i am working 1 day. i still havent gotten my (bouncy-ball) paycheck and i dont know if it will clear. the whole job is a f-in joke. i understand its a place that has a hard time paying payroll. i also know they have been struggling financially. but the kicker: I KNOW THEY HAVENT BEEN GETTING INVOICES TO COMPANIES THAT WILL PAY THEM ON THE REGULAR! mainly, my chef's. i hear about it. i KNOW. for sure. see, the chef buys the bread from the bakery i work for. the owner, he cant get an invoice to the chef to save his life...ok maybe...but not on the regular. so, no invoice, no money for bread. how hard is it to understand? apparently, very. i was told a bunch of fluff when i took the job. i am very qualified to work there, i have waitressing experience, i am in culinary school, i have worked fast food. i have also done outbound telesales. not hard to sell bread, clean the place, and make sandwiches. not really what i took the job to do though. i was told i would learn to bake. someone else was told that and worked there longer than i and didnt. LAME. so, i am getting out of it. THANK GOD.

anyways, finals are here. i had a presentation (bet you didnt know that did ya chef? you didnt ask) tonight. i did my project on immigrants. i titled my slideshow "Arizona: Anti-immigrant or Anti-Mexican? Why I would learn Spanish for my culinary carreer" yea, it was goood. i might post the paper sometime. its sad what is happening and what is going to happen. that was actually for my information systems and technologies class. for my spanish class, i translated a brioche recipe and then got some general baking terms translated too. the book we use it doesnt have any baking terms in it so i figured i would get some and make a copy for the whole class. im a nice girl like that :)

the chef and i are doing well. a few miscommunication issues but i think we iron things out fairly well. he met my (favorite) aunt yesterday and we both had the chance to hold my baby cousin (he is 4 months). then we looked at a house. we are still going to look at a few other houses we found online but at lease we are looking. hopefully i will be able to spend more time with my aunt again before she goes back to texas.

Busy, busy!

lately, I have been busy. Just working, not this week tho! and going to school. i have family coming into town it seems like this entire month. and then the chef is going back to 6 days a week again. (lame!) with all the issues at my job, we decided that it would be best if i started applying for a new job. yesterday, my boss decided not to make the schedule, he said for me to text him what hours i was available, which i did in a timely manner, then text him to let me know my schedule. i got a text at 12:04AM, asking if i would open (6:30am is open). personally, i dont think its very nice to text people so late. the chef and i were in bed at 11:30 and i had gotten up to smoke a cigarette. i keep my phone in the living room because as i have gotten older, i dont need or want to have interruptions so much in the middle of the night. it isnt an emergency that my boss doesnt know how to make the schedule and get it out to people in a timely manner. its not an emergency that i text him at 7:03 for him to let me know my schedule and he waits 4 hours because his phone "died". yea, sorry, i dont buy that. so the chef and i decided that i would ignore the text in the middle of the night *oops!* and start to look for a new job. im never going to be able to bake at my current job, im not ever going to get a schedule before the week starts. my life shouldnt and wont revolve around someone with poor business ethics. ohhh and, im always going to wonder when my check is going to magically appear and whether i can cash it or not. thats no way to live! the chef and i decided we had enough! so...i went out and put in 4 physical applications and was told by at least 2 places they flat out werent hiring (and LEAVE) nooo not that mean, but close. and one place the door was locked? weird. and another place, i think i might've found my boss's match! hahahaha. sorry it was hilarious. i then came home and ate, my stomach was growling way too loud and put in 2 more applications online. more to be put in tomorrow!

still not talking to my "friend" i dont know what to do about her. at least she hasnt tried to text or message me since thursday. the silence, its well....golden! it just seems that after a review of our friendship, it might not be worth it. who really needs toxic friends? life is hard enough. why add to it? yes, i did decide to enter into my relationship with my chef. i knew it was going to be hard, but if i cant have friends that are going to be there (even just to hang out), whats the point? there are a lot of red flags with this girl:
1. her thing about how much the chef makes. her comment was "if i knew how much he made i might be like 'hi!'" *batting eyelashes*---kinda makes me think that a) she is a gold digger and b) she might deep down want my man....not gonna happen! ha!
2. she told me she hates my engagement ring---its not about whether she likes it or not, i LOVE it!
3. the comment that she might "ruin" my(our) wedding. regardless of her explanation behind this: a) she is too big and would make me look bad: HELLO!!! do something about it and im not talking about a 2 week "diet" you gave up on because it was "too hard" and b) she would bawl thru the whole thing because she feels like she is losing a friend....why not think of it as you are gaining a friend??? oh wait! red flag #2 ruined that for ya!
4. the incident years ago (like 4) where she told my daughter's father that my ex and i were putting my daughter in the middle of our breakup causing years of strain with my daughter's father and i and CPS to show up at my house (thanks "friend"!)
5. she claimed she was going to get help for her depression, after speaking to a mutual friend, she hasnt gotten the much needed help
6. she said she was upset about the engagement because she was having a bad day and my news didnt help...WHAT? that would make me happy! not bring me down. i guess different people handle good news different ways.....hmmm
7. after i got upset with her for her reasons why she wasnt happy for me, she randomly showed up at my house...with flowers. sat around my house after apologizing to me and i told her i needed time to think about things, she hung around until 1am...btw, she showed up at 11pm. then, she said she would let me think about things on my own and let me come to her. instead, every couple of days, i have gotten a text or message from her. sounds like she is doing what she said!! not

ok, im not a complete bitch. maybe i am wrong about her. i dont know. i need input. i have lots going on with my job and finals are starting here soon too, i dont have a lot of time to exactly sit around and contemplate my friendship with the girl. sorry if that makes me bad. input would be helpful though!!

More to come!!
-Jes

Exciting

why hello! i cant keep apologizing that i am absent. i am a busy person. especially since i have been working 4 days a week and i go to school 3 days a week...some of these overlap. which leaves me with just one day off...and that happens to be the day off with the chef! yay! tonight, we are having a date. i am pretty excited about this. i am currently at work, but i have a laptop and wi-fi so i am in business! and its pretty slow. i figured it wouldnt hurt to at least say hello and catch y'all up on the business of...well my life! so, ummm...i had my midterm in my baking basics class. i got a 100% on my practical portion of that and i didnt do so hot on my written portion. just means i need to work harder. i had a test in my spanish class last thursday, i got a B on it. i cried because i didnt know some of the words that i needed to. i was upset because i felt like i was going to disappoint chef. i want to do well for myself and i want him to be proud of me. i just kinda broke down for a minute. this week, in spanish, we are going to the mexican grocery store and then a bakery and then go eat at a restaurant. i already know im going to be bringing home some food for the chef. it will be a nice treat for him. SPEAKING of the chef!! he proposed to me on friday night, and i said YES! after a min...lol. i gotta keep him in suspense. it was super cute and he didnt get down on one knee or anything, but i guess he didnt realize i had already put the ring on my finger before i said yes. i love him so much. i am very excited about starting my life with him as his wife. but, for now, i am his fiancee, at least until i finish school. and i am ok with that. i need the time to bring my best friend around or replace her. grrrr. i went off and found her the night he proposed, she wasnt even happy for me. last night, we had a long talk and i feel like nothing was accomplished. it hurts my feelings so much that she cant even be happy for me. i know she has a lot going on in her life, i do too, but she was upset because the day he proposed, SHE was having a bad day. didnt know we needed to make sure she was having a good day before giving her good news. it should have cheered her up. instead, she is being selfish. i am supposed to be on cloud nine right now (it still hasnt hit me yet) but i cant be happy with her trying to constantly bring me down. if she isnt going to be happy for me now, how is she going to be on my wedding day? i know she might just need some time, but she is upset for stupid reasons. however legitament they are to her. she even told me she is mad for stupid reasons. i just feel like i cant put my life on hold just for her. *sigh* i dont know how to carry on with the whole situation.

Easter Fiasco

omg. terrible easter! but, no tears so far! which is good, this has been my favorite holiday and i have been distracted away from the fact that i dont have my daughter. it started with the chef, he had to only work an hour today. which was early this morning. i got up with him because it seemed like he was refusing to get up. i was up probably for an hour and a half and had to go lay down. i hurt my back (i think i pinched a nerve) and have been trying to take things slow. i thought i was superwoman the other day and switched the mattresses and boxsprings by myself and hurt myself in the process. i didnt miss class on friday but i did miss my spanish class on thursday. my teacher was understanding and i checked my voicemails after class on friday and received a very sweet voicemail from my teacher wishing me well. it helped because i was bawling in class on friday because my teacher is such a dick. i had made lemon merigne pie (i cant spell!) and i didnt bake the top enough to cook the eggs. my bad. he told me he wasnt going to try it (again!) asshole. so, i got upset. he actually cut into it, my lemon was perfect and gave me an 8 out of 10. made me happier.
back to easter! we went out for a nice lunch after i slept until nearly 1:30! i needed the sleep. then we went and got my digital scale for my baking class. we were driving home and saw a car accident. the chef was going to go a different way and forgot to turn, but then we were going to go thru a parking lot and i saw they were letting cars thru, so we turned. i realized it was my best friend's car. she got broadsided on her passenger side. it was at an intersection we use frequently to get from her house to mine and back. i freaked out. the chef, of course, didnt believe it was her car but she was standing on the corner with her family. he couldnt park the car fast enough. she is ok. she is shaken up. they gave her a ticket for "failure to yeild". assholes. there was a lot of drama going on because she called her mom and asked her to come and the entire family HAD to show up. give me a fucking break. her uncle nearly got arrested and my best friend just really needed a calm voice and a hug. it looks like her frame is bent and her front axel is broken on the passenger side. this isnt what she needs right now, but i guess i just need to be there for her. the couple that hit her, they are and 80-something couple in their sunday best. the woman's airbag deployed and she got a bloody nose and a swollen face. she got some blood on her jacket but said "if this jacket is the only casualty today, im ok with that" i guess it was something to keep my mind away from all the other crap. anyways, off to watch a comedy with the chef! i love watching movies with him lately!

I know nothing....

my last post was about my aunt. i still know nothing. it drives me nuts. i dont know if the number i have for her is correct or not. i cannot call. i spoke with her ex-husband earlier today. her oldest daughter (my 18 year old cousin) is coming here for sure starting memorial day weekend. im pretty excited about it....then i look at the calendar. i was supposed to be in chicago with my chef when she is in town. i guess god doesnt want me to go to chicago. not only that, but the chef had said that we would try for the trip on my next break...which falls over memorial day weekend. why am i dreading that stupid holiday more than i am dreading easter? because its the start of the summer? because it will be less than a month until our anniversary and the chef will be out of town (again?). he thinks he can just cancel the trip. the trip is to the indy 500. he planned it before we started dating. the guy he is going with, its his regional (?) chef. he asks him about once a week to make sure that chef b is going. this chef already has his ticket! he cant just cancel because my cousin is going to be in town. or because its the renn faire that weekend. or that we keep putting off this trip to chicago....chef, if you are reading this, i got that sweater for doing good in my classes, remember? i dont want to go to chicago anymore. everytime i think about it, it makes me depressed. i just wanted to try a dessert. thats all. i guess the biggest part that gets me is this: when we plan our honeymoon (which im pretty sure will happen), will it get pushed aside because of work? because of other plans? i dont know the answers to these questions.. maybe someone does...

Lo siento.

i am sorry, that is my translation for today. i havent been around, i know my boyfriend has reminded me i havent posted in awhile. things have been crazy-busy around here. first off, the quarter ended, then the chef was moving in (and still is). then, there was the fact that i had a horrible cold and still occassionally have a cough. so i was missing work. then, we got new furniture, and new stuff for the apartment. our apartment is a wreck, simply because we havent had time or energy to put into it.
school started last week, omg! every new quarter i get super nervous. i dont know why, i just do. i worry about everything, "will i know anyone?", "what am i doing in school?! i cant do this!", "what if my teacher is a prick?!", "i cant do this!". yes, i have a lot of voices in my head saying negative things to me and about myself. i need to quiet them down. i have already had 2 of my classes and a TON of homework for both of them. i start another class tomorrow night and it should be a breeze. I HOPE. i realized today that i will have ONE day off this week. so, pretty busy on that front.
we also joined a gym! i am excited about this! i dont want to be out of shape and i have trouble areas i really want to work on. i am starting slow, we only went once and i power walked almost a mile. i was doing good! today though, the chef was sick and i lazed my day after work happy that i completely my spanish homework.
SPANISH! that brings me to another thing! omg! i was really irked by the whole thing. i was at work doing my spanish (for culinary/foodservice professionals) and a customer walked in. she was an older lady and she got her bread and somehow it came up i was doing my spanish homework. i told her what i was going to school for and she said "why do you need to know spanish? its not like the recipes are in spanish!" i held down my urge to smack her. i smiled sweetly and informed her that most people who work in the kitchens nowadays, are mexican or speak spanish. the look on her face was, well, PRICELESS! she looked appalled that mexicans cook her food. i ALMOST told her that a mexican made the bread she loves so much. i hate how closedminded people are. so lady, no! the recipes arent in spanish, a lot of the ones i might want to use are in french originally, however, thanks to julia child and countless others, i dont need to learn french in order to bake. stupid people make me mad, and dont even get me started on the stupid behaviors of my boss or others....

does your chef employ mexicans or people who speak spanish? mine does, they are hard workers and cause little problems! we also have mexican bakers at my work. my last job, we ONLY had mexicans working in the kitchen. works for me!
hasta luego!
-Jes