Saturday, March 27, 2010
I know nothing....
my last post was about my aunt. i still know nothing. it drives me nuts. i dont know if the number i have for her is correct or not. i cannot call. i spoke with her ex-husband earlier today. her oldest daughter (my 18 year old cousin) is coming here for sure starting memorial day weekend. im pretty excited about it....then i look at the calendar. i was supposed to be in chicago with my chef when she is in town. i guess god doesnt want me to go to chicago. not only that, but the chef had said that we would try for the trip on my next break...which falls over memorial day weekend. why am i dreading that stupid holiday more than i am dreading easter? because its the start of the summer? because it will be less than a month until our anniversary and the chef will be out of town (again?). he thinks he can just cancel the trip. the trip is to the indy 500. he planned it before we started dating. the guy he is going with, its his regional (?) chef. he asks him about once a week to make sure that chef b is going. this chef already has his ticket! he cant just cancel because my cousin is going to be in town. or because its the renn faire that weekend. or that we keep putting off this trip to chicago....chef, if you are reading this, i got that sweater for doing good in my classes, remember? i dont want to go to chicago anymore. everytime i think about it, it makes me depressed. i just wanted to try a dessert. thats all. i guess the biggest part that gets me is this: when we plan our honeymoon (which im pretty sure will happen), will it get pushed aside because of work? because of other plans? i dont know the answers to these questions.. maybe someone does...
Friday, March 26, 2010
Life is short...
life is short. life is too short for fighting. its too short to live on "what ifs.."
a few weeks ago, i was getting facebook messages from my aunt regarding a biopsy she had. the message said that they found no cancer but were sending it in for a second opinion. i never heard another word about it. today, i got a message from her via facebook chat. she said she was doing good considering everything that is going on. i asked her what she meant. she has cancer. breast cancer. i was unable to ask her the prognosis or anything like that but she will be emailing me updates. even though she lives 30-45 mins away, it has been awhile since i last saw her. about a year, i think. im not on very good terms with my family, to say the least. its hard for people to understand and accept that people change. i think that its even harder for my family to do that. i havent spoken with my dad in 2 years. my mom, probably the same amount of time, if not more. they have said mean things to me and i cant just continue to put myself in the situation where i am going to be degraded everytime i talk to them. i will just spend my time bettering myself (ie school, working, etc). i know i am not perfect, but i dont need everyone in my life pointing out all my defects, big or small. i tear myself down enough on a daily basis (im working on that too). the last time i saw my aunt, her husband, my uncle, had just gotten out of surgery. he had cancer removed from his body. so yea, this is hard. its not fair to put my aunt through all of this. i know that god doesnt give us more than we can handle, but COME ON! really? and her kids, 2 of them at least, live in hawaii and never come to nebraska. yes, her daughter is coming here in june for 10 days, but what if something happens? not a very fair way to get to know your mother. i didnt ask the other hard questions. i know its breast cancer. i dont want to know if its heritary or not. i dont give a fuck. my grandma, she is a breast cancer survivor. she had the heritary kind. im at risk. chef b, hes aware of it. i watched the bucket list when it came out in theaters, i bawled. it made me not want to have anymore children because "what if". fuck that. it will make them stronger, and me too. i just worry a lot. and im sorry its depressing. i cant help but cry because i feel so helpless.
on another note, i had my first test in my spanish for foodservice professionals class last night, i got a 98%. now, it just feels like nothing with everything else.
a few weeks ago, i was getting facebook messages from my aunt regarding a biopsy she had. the message said that they found no cancer but were sending it in for a second opinion. i never heard another word about it. today, i got a message from her via facebook chat. she said she was doing good considering everything that is going on. i asked her what she meant. she has cancer. breast cancer. i was unable to ask her the prognosis or anything like that but she will be emailing me updates. even though she lives 30-45 mins away, it has been awhile since i last saw her. about a year, i think. im not on very good terms with my family, to say the least. its hard for people to understand and accept that people change. i think that its even harder for my family to do that. i havent spoken with my dad in 2 years. my mom, probably the same amount of time, if not more. they have said mean things to me and i cant just continue to put myself in the situation where i am going to be degraded everytime i talk to them. i will just spend my time bettering myself (ie school, working, etc). i know i am not perfect, but i dont need everyone in my life pointing out all my defects, big or small. i tear myself down enough on a daily basis (im working on that too). the last time i saw my aunt, her husband, my uncle, had just gotten out of surgery. he had cancer removed from his body. so yea, this is hard. its not fair to put my aunt through all of this. i know that god doesnt give us more than we can handle, but COME ON! really? and her kids, 2 of them at least, live in hawaii and never come to nebraska. yes, her daughter is coming here in june for 10 days, but what if something happens? not a very fair way to get to know your mother. i didnt ask the other hard questions. i know its breast cancer. i dont want to know if its heritary or not. i dont give a fuck. my grandma, she is a breast cancer survivor. she had the heritary kind. im at risk. chef b, hes aware of it. i watched the bucket list when it came out in theaters, i bawled. it made me not want to have anymore children because "what if". fuck that. it will make them stronger, and me too. i just worry a lot. and im sorry its depressing. i cant help but cry because i feel so helpless.
on another note, i had my first test in my spanish for foodservice professionals class last night, i got a 98%. now, it just feels like nothing with everything else.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Lo siento.
i am sorry, that is my translation for today. i havent been around, i know my boyfriend has reminded me i havent posted in awhile. things have been crazy-busy around here. first off, the quarter ended, then the chef was moving in (and still is). then, there was the fact that i had a horrible cold and still occassionally have a cough. so i was missing work. then, we got new furniture, and new stuff for the apartment. our apartment is a wreck, simply because we havent had time or energy to put into it.
school started last week, omg! every new quarter i get super nervous. i dont know why, i just do. i worry about everything, "will i know anyone?", "what am i doing in school?! i cant do this!", "what if my teacher is a prick?!", "i cant do this!". yes, i have a lot of voices in my head saying negative things to me and about myself. i need to quiet them down. i have already had 2 of my classes and a TON of homework for both of them. i start another class tomorrow night and it should be a breeze. I HOPE. i realized today that i will have ONE day off this week. so, pretty busy on that front.
we also joined a gym! i am excited about this! i dont want to be out of shape and i have trouble areas i really want to work on. i am starting slow, we only went once and i power walked almost a mile. i was doing good! today though, the chef was sick and i lazed my day after work happy that i completely my spanish homework.
SPANISH! that brings me to another thing! omg! i was really irked by the whole thing. i was at work doing my spanish (for culinary/foodservice professionals) and a customer walked in. she was an older lady and she got her bread and somehow it came up i was doing my spanish homework. i told her what i was going to school for and she said "why do you need to know spanish? its not like the recipes are in spanish!" i held down my urge to smack her. i smiled sweetly and informed her that most people who work in the kitchens nowadays, are mexican or speak spanish. the look on her face was, well, PRICELESS! she looked appalled that mexicans cook her food. i ALMOST told her that a mexican made the bread she loves so much. i hate how closedminded people are. so lady, no! the recipes arent in spanish, a lot of the ones i might want to use are in french originally, however, thanks to julia child and countless others, i dont need to learn french in order to bake. stupid people make me mad, and dont even get me started on the stupid behaviors of my boss or others....
does your chef employ mexicans or people who speak spanish? mine does, they are hard workers and cause little problems! we also have mexican bakers at my work. my last job, we ONLY had mexicans working in the kitchen. works for me!
hasta luego!
-Jes
school started last week, omg! every new quarter i get super nervous. i dont know why, i just do. i worry about everything, "will i know anyone?", "what am i doing in school?! i cant do this!", "what if my teacher is a prick?!", "i cant do this!". yes, i have a lot of voices in my head saying negative things to me and about myself. i need to quiet them down. i have already had 2 of my classes and a TON of homework for both of them. i start another class tomorrow night and it should be a breeze. I HOPE. i realized today that i will have ONE day off this week. so, pretty busy on that front.
we also joined a gym! i am excited about this! i dont want to be out of shape and i have trouble areas i really want to work on. i am starting slow, we only went once and i power walked almost a mile. i was doing good! today though, the chef was sick and i lazed my day after work happy that i completely my spanish homework.
SPANISH! that brings me to another thing! omg! i was really irked by the whole thing. i was at work doing my spanish (for culinary/foodservice professionals) and a customer walked in. she was an older lady and she got her bread and somehow it came up i was doing my spanish homework. i told her what i was going to school for and she said "why do you need to know spanish? its not like the recipes are in spanish!" i held down my urge to smack her. i smiled sweetly and informed her that most people who work in the kitchens nowadays, are mexican or speak spanish. the look on her face was, well, PRICELESS! she looked appalled that mexicans cook her food. i ALMOST told her that a mexican made the bread she loves so much. i hate how closedminded people are. so lady, no! the recipes arent in spanish, a lot of the ones i might want to use are in french originally, however, thanks to julia child and countless others, i dont need to learn french in order to bake. stupid people make me mad, and dont even get me started on the stupid behaviors of my boss or others....
does your chef employ mexicans or people who speak spanish? mine does, they are hard workers and cause little problems! we also have mexican bakers at my work. my last job, we ONLY had mexicans working in the kitchen. works for me!
hasta luego!
-Jes
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