Blizzards & Burritos

I keep trying to convince anyone who reads my blog that I am terrible at blogging. I admit it, I am busy and tired and when I am none of those things, I am usually with my chef. I don't remember if I had blogged yet saying he is moving in with me in *drum roll* less than 2 months! I am very excited. Now, I know that usually when he isn't with me he is busy as all hell but I just want the pleasure of waking up in the middle of the night and snuggling up to him, I would rather do this in my sleep but I have grown accustomed to having my bed to myself. For christmas, my chef got us blackberries. I don't know how to work it very well but I AM blogging from it right now. I happen to be at my job watching the snow fall and procrastinating doing my homework. The chef also got me a nook. Its kinda like a kindle or sony e-reader, if you go to www.nook.com it tells you a lot more about it. I don't have it yet so I don't know if its any good, the chef seriously put off buying christmas presents because he has been so busy, too busy if you ask me, and with me being without a job for so long we haven't had much money. But, our relationship has stayed intact. Its been rocky but I know that since this has been going on for over 2 months, the money issues, we can survive. It will just be nicer when we are better financially. I have been going to school and working so that has taken a toll on me. Back to christmas, there was a blizzard here in Nebraska, it started with rain 2 days before and by christmas eve, it was snowing good. I made it to and from work fine, I just walked over here. There was ice hanging off the trees from the rain and then freezing like that, it was beautiful! So by the time my chef got off work, it was a full blown blizzArd. I was baking cookies when I started getting texts from him sounding like he wasn't coming. By the time I was almost done baking to cookies, I was bawling. I haven't been able to spend christmas with my family in years or my daughter, the holidays are a bad time for me to be alone. My chef called, talked to me for maybe 5 mins and it still sounded like I would be spending christmas alone. About an hour later, I was on the phone with one of the few relatives that talks to me, unfortunately, they live in TX. My chef calls me and asks what I'm wearing? I had the most confused expression on my face but he told me to put on some boots and a hat and come outside to help him unload the car. I ran. I was running to him in the middle of a blizzard on christmas eve. He was my christmas present. Now I don't have any food in my house and the blizzard wasn't supposed to happen and my chef was supposed to get off work earlier, same story, different day. So all the grocery stores were closed. I called them. And burger king. Finally called the gas station down the street and they tell me they never close. We had gas station burritos for christmas dinner. It was our first christmas together. It makes for a great laugh and story but at the time and even a little now, it was scary. He was supposed to go out of town the day after so he drove home christmas night. He slid sideways down one of the main roads. They shut that street down after that. He attempted to leave town on the 26th and wound up in a ditch on the interstate. He is fine and the car is fine but terrifying to say the least. That's just a little update for now. A word of advice: burritos are NOT a very romantic food.

bah humbug

i honestly dont mean to be a scrooge, but this past month has been hard. i wasnt working for an entire month and that was stressful. i finally got a job at a french bakery, i really like it. i only get minimum wage but i also make tips. its not nearly as stressful as my last job working as a server. yes, i get bread for customers, clean the store, make coffee/hot drinks, make the sandwiches, serve the customers, run the register, answer the phone, and do my own dishes but its not that much when you actually get it down. i also have a lot of down time so i can bring my homework with me. i am getting to know the regulars and can wear regular clothes. its soo nice. i get one free meal and can have bread too. i dont have to take the bus so i dont have to worry about me missing it and being late for work, not that it happened often with my last job, but the public transportation in omaha is TERRIBLE. i have only worked for 4 days there and i love it. im not nearly as stressed as i once was. once i get down the schedule, i think i will be fine. i have to get up at 5:30am to get ready to leave at 6:10am to walk to work, but i can adjust. i just need to learn how to not nap when i get home. there is only one person usually working there at a time so you have to run yourself. its not hard, just keep yourself in line. the goal is to get me running there smoothly and then go to the other location and learn the bread. im excited to embark on this new journey, however, before i started working all my chef and i could do is worry about bills. we still do. christmas isnt going to be much this year and im not a big fan of it anyways because i dont have my daughter or any family that is here to spend the holidays with. i get really depressed around this time of year and my losing my job didnt help. my chef has been working ungodly hours and we had a blizzard this week so he couldnt make it here. its almost midnight as i type and i have no idea if im going to get to spend my sunday with him and i really havent spent time with him since monday of last week. my financial problems have put a strain on our relationship so much that all we do is talk about how we are going to make it work. yes, my chef is helping me with my bills, we dont live together and we have only been dating less than 6 months (it will be 6 months on dec 22nd). he cares that much about me that he wants to help me with my bills. also, my best friend of 11 years was tested for cervical cancer. she doesnt have it, but the scare is pretty bad. she had wrist surgery and then had to have a biopsy on her cervix in the same week. i was there for her for both because i wasnt working yet but i didnt have anyone there for me when i was scared for her. i couldnt lean on her because i didnt want her to know how scared i was. i needed to be strong for her but i had nobody to be strong for me and that was hard. it still is, we only got the results this past tuesday. i hope things get easier, i pray for that every night.

ahhh...books

i love reading. i have been reading the Gourmet Girl series by Jessica Conant-Park. i got caught up in desperatechefswives.com and she was talking about the books, so i decided to borrow the books from the library. i have been low on funds and have been wanting to read a ton of books, so since i havent seen my chef that much, i decided to reserve a bunch from the library and pick them up. there is a location right down the street from my apartment, so i have a lot to keep me busy. great books by the way!! i started the first one yesterday and am almost finished with it. i know there is a new one out or coming out so i am excited to get caught up and read that one too!

im finally starting to feel like a culinary student. i got most of the kinks worked out with financial aid and was able to get one of my books, my chef uniform (from the school), and prepay for my pastry kit. my chef showed up a few minutes after i got home from the school and plops this HUGE toolbox in my living room. so i ask him "whats that?" he says "come over here and take a look" so i open it....and its a toolbox for ME! i was so excited. its basically everything that will be in my pastry kit from school and MORE! he sat on the floor with me, which i dont think i have ever seen him do and we went thru it all together. i was soo excited. i wanted to just take everything out later and look at it piece by piece but i was afraid my chef would think i was some sort of nerd. but i also think he would understand. what made the toolbox so special....the fact that it was his for about 10 years. he said it used to be covered in stickers from his days of using it. he peeled them all off and filled it with stuff for me. i felt so special. he informed me that its now mine and i can put my own stickers on it to make it mine. i know he has been working on it since i took my admissions tests for the school. i cant believe he took that kind of effort and time for me. and speaking of school, i finally got my other grade for my other class, it too was an A. so i have a 4.0 GPA. i never thought that would happen, just more to strive for i guess!

Holidays...and life

ok, thanksgiving is coming up, in case anyone has forgotten. i know that this is a "family" holiday, but i dont have any family here that i really feel connected to. yes, i have family here that is blood-related and they dont talk to me. years ago (almost 2 now) my dad decided to inform me that he has given up on me. he didnt explain this to me and hasnt really spoken to me since. i think i have received one phone call from my step mom since, and that was to inform me of a family death. my step sister informed me that what my dad really meant is that he has given up on me as being a mother to my child. he never took the time to really explain this. my mom currently has my daughter and has forbidden me to go to any family functions where my daughter would be present. so i have basically been exiled out of the family. most of my family doesnt speak to me. i have an uncle who is a police officer and he works in the same area that my last job was so he would say hello to me and ask how i was doing, but that was the extent of it. i have 2 aunts, they both live outside of the area (in different states) that keep in contact with me. one lives in TX and wishes she could be here for me all the time. she has been a mother figure to me ever since my mom stopped being that for me. DONT JUDGE, you dont know the whole story. i am a RECOVERING alcoholic. im TRYING. there is more to this whole thing and it will take a whole series of blogs to explain this and its very complicated. so basically, another holiday rolls around and im here alone, again. because my mom refuses to see that i have been trying for 3+ years to change. i want to be there for my daughter. i started going to school, because i wanted out of my last job, but i realized that no matter how hard i tried, i cant get a position past entry level without going to school first. my chef and i have been agruing for the past few weeks now about what we are going to do for thanksgiving. to me, i would much rather be with people who love and care about me and make me feel welcome. i have been invited to my sponsor's grandmother's house for dinner. not just me, but my chef too. i feel loved and welcome there. its nice. i dont have to be someone im not. i can just be a part of the family. my chef's family doesnt live here, so he is going along with it for me. but i have to do his bidding on christmas. i HATE christmas. i only hate it because i dont have my little girl with me and thats really who its for. i really just needed to vent. judge me not, because only god can judge me....

sad face

still no followers eh?! oh well. this is more for me to vent than anything. right now, its frustrating to be with my chef, mentally, but not physically. i finished my first quarter at school and i got an A on my paper and an A in one of my classes (i dont know about the other class yet). and i have barely spoken to my chef all week. the last time i saw him, he was sleeping in my bed and i had to go take my sanitation(ServSafe certification) test. i dont even have a job to occupy my time. i just sit at home and read, which i got 9 books from the library yesterday and i think im halfway thru one). but its really hard. i was so excited to have an A in a class, i havent gotten an A and actually tried in so long. it felt so good, but i havent been able to share it with my chef. wow. im depressing....sorry.

Finals...

ok, my computer broke, lame. so i havent been able to blog. heres a summary of what happened:

my computer broke, so no more reading blogs or writing mine. my chef is finally getting a vacation the week of thanksgiving, so i think we will both be giving thanks for that. about a week ago, i lost my job, which is ok, since finals are today! im sitting here procrastinating/trying to wake up to study for said finals. im on a borrowed computer right now, so that is ok. i had it all weekend and am just now getting around to blogging. OH! i finally heard back from FAFSA and financial aid at the school, it looks like i WILL be able to take my classes next quarter! pretty excited/nervous. ohhhh and i got a new tattoo. a friend of mine works at the same tattoo place my chef gets his tattoos done and i have had 3 of my piercings done. i have been a customer of theirs for 7 years so they are all pretty familiar with me. ...sorry, im new to this adding pictures thing and its not going where i want it to!

finally catching up

ok, i think i mention this every time, i am a BAD blogger. anyways, yesterday, i celebrated 3 years of sobriety (woot woot!). very awesome day. i guess my chef had a whole day planned out...he was going to make me breakfast (or get it) and bring it to me in bed...never happened. does this happen a lot? i am still having a hard time coming to grips with everything getting in the way of my plans. and i do mean EVERYTHING. my birthday (a few months ago), for example, my chef was supposed to come out with me and my friends. he worked instead. he told me he wanted to go to a concert, took that night off...(which was a friday and im a waitress so i need those), he worked.. last thursday (and i know this is different) we were supposed to go to this dinner thing, he was sick. talk about disappointment. i sometimes feel like if its not one thing, its another.
did NOT want to sit here and rant but i guess i needed to considering i did. ok. so! *sigh* i finally got an ipod. HA! i always claimed i didnt want one! i was talking to my chef and mentioned my HEADPHONES died and needed new ones for my mp3 player that i always have with me. he tells me i can have his ipod. i mean, where did this come from? i was talking about headphones?? lol so he gave it to me. i LOVE it. my bestie put on a couple movies for me. so i had a movie to watch while i waited for her class to get done. i quickly learned itunes by just looking around. unfortunely now, i want an itunes card. i love this thing!

last night, we went to this AWFUL restaurant, the chef, my bestie and me. i had a paper to write. we will never go back. it was 94/95 in omaha. im sorry if someone loves that place but, i think it sucked and so did the chef. my teacher laughed at my paper, i really tried to like it though.