Formerly a Chef's Wife

Friend is giving-a-way

2011-03-30T22:45:00.002-05:00

My friend, Noah Bear is doing a giveaway on her blog. Check it out! http://noahsarkcreations.blogspot.com/2011/03/time-to-celebrate.html Thy are really pretty necklaces! Sorry I have been a very very bad blogger. I feel like I shouldnt even be blogging on this blog anymore because I am no longer a chef in training and my husband is no longer a chef. I am a mother, student, and wife. I am going for photography now. I feel like I can really learn a lot and I will get a lot out of life and the career I will have.

Identity Crisis

2010-11-13T01:43:00.002-06:00

Well, seems the Chef might not be a chef much longer. (Now chef, don't get mad.) It could be his own doing and it could be the work of "the man". Either way....he might not be working in the restaurant industry. Sad. So, now, I might be having an identity crisis. Will I still be the wife of a chef? I still believe he is considered a chef even if he isn't working the job part of being a chef. He worked hard to earn that title and now he may not use it anymore. I mean, once a judge is a judge even after they retire, they are still thought of as a judge, right? Who knows. This crazy thing we call life...its well, CRAZY! I know I am no longer a chef-in-training. I am simply someone who loves food. I don't enjoy baking anymore. I have changed my major and will be actively looking for a new job soon. I love my chef and I believe he will still be a chef even if he doesn't have a job in a restaurant. He is burned out, he needs a break. He needs to spend a normal valentine's day with his wife. Not that I am sure what that entails considering I haven't really celebrated valentine's day in many years, at least not the normal way. Will I still be able to offer my wisdom to other chef's wives?? I don't know the answer to that. I hope so. I have learned a lot by his job. I have met a few internet friends because of his job. I hope my opinion and my experiences still count. Anywho, I should really get to bed! The kiddo seems to like to get up early!

Opinionated Eater: Five Guys Burger and Fries

2010-11-07T22:00:00.002-06:00

Yes, so what? I eat out often. This is actually a new restaurant the chef, kid, and I tried today. The chef and I usually hit up Smashburger, but we needed to try something new. I knew this place had opened up and I hadn't heard much about it. So, off for lunch we went.

Five guys is just a burger joint. They have veggie sandwiches, not what I was looking for. So, I had a cheeseburger, fries and a drink. All a la carte. Lame. I kinda am starting to hate places like that. When I ordered, I asked for everything, they have grilled mushrooms and onions too. Awesome! The burger, left something missing....juicyness. The fries now...they were amazing. The kid, she didn't like the fries. they were potatoes that are cut and they still had the skins when they were cut. She wasn't sure what it was and didn't like them. We also tried the cajun fries, meh. They were too covered in the seasoning.

Now, if we could marry two places....yes, that would be awesome. Take smashburger's burger and smashsauce, and their egg bun. And put the toppings of Five Guy's on there. YUM! And take Five Guy's fries and (according to the chef) put the seasonings of Smashfries on them, and they would be good. (Please note: I am not fond of Smashfries, they have rosemary which is something I do not like. And YES I have tried them)

Opinionated Eater: Cantina Laredo

2010-11-07T21:46:00.004-06:00

So, there is a restaurant, Cantina Laredo, that I tried in Branson, MO back in July. The only thing I really liked was the guacamole. It was amazing. Nothing else really was all that great. So, we recently had a location open up here in Omaha, and I wanted the guacamole. So, last night, we decided that we would give it a try again. BIG MISTAKE. The guacamole is made tableside. The first time, it was amazing, this time....there was too much lime. Since my husband IS a chef, he was able to tell me how to change it to make it more palatable. However, everything else was leaving a LOT to de desired. The taco was good, just not as good as it could've been. My enchiladas, were terrible. They were lacking a key ingredient essential to every meal: FLAVOR. I am glad that we tried it again. I know now that I came and I saw, and I won't be trying to conquer anything to do with it. Even our service (both times) was terrible. What made it worse this time, the server is a former server from my husband's restaurant and KNEW him....thats all.

Looking up

2010-11-02T22:15:00.003-05:00

Things have been going good for us around here. We have been having my daughter EVERY weekend for the last 4 weeks. We already have plans to have her this weekend, next weekend and probably the weekend after that. It doesn't seem to be changing. I am happy. This past weekend, she was here starting on Thursday because she didn't have school on Friday. Chef had to work (of course!) and I had to work on Friday night. Luckily for me, my friend had the day off and was able to watch my daughter for me. Next weekend (not this coming weekend), my daughter will be coming again on Thursday. My mom is taking her to see the Grinch at the Orpheum. My mom messaged me on facebook and when she did, she made it sound like she wished I was able to go with her and my daughter. When she met my chef, he invited her and her husband to dinner at his restaurant. When my mom and her husband came to pick my daughter up at my house on Sunday, she said maybe her and my daughter will go to his restaurant to have dinner before the show. In her message today, she invited me to come along with to dinner. I wanted to so badly ask her if I could join but I didn't want to step on any toes, even though its my husband's restaurant. I have a lot of mending of fences to do with my mom and I need to let her do it at her own pace. I am ok with that. I am slowly learning patience. I had tears in my eyes just thinking about dinner with my mom. I haven't had dinner with her with it being just me and her and 1-2 other people in so long. I remember being pregnant and meeting her, my brother and grandpa for lunch. Otherwise it was for my daughter's 2nd birthday, there were 5 people there though. This is a major step for both of us.

Speaking of my mom and her husband....they got married a little over a year ago (August 28th, 2009). I wasn't invited to the wedding, I heard about it from another family member. I had been told a few years ago that if I ever showed up at my mom's house, her husband would greet me with a shotgun/rifle. My chef met her husband Sunday. It wasn't good. My husband behaved himself, he went outside to greet my mom, it was her first time at my new apartment. She hasn't been to a home I have lived at in almost 5 years. My chef stuck his hand out to my step dad and introduced himself. My step dad gruffly said his name. That was all. When they all came inside the house, I was in my daughter's room grabbing a few things. I came into the living room and said "Hi." Nobody acknowledged me. Then, I specificially said "Hi, R" since I had just spoken to my mom on the phone....my step dad almost blatantly ignored me. It hurts my feelings. I shouldn't let it, but I can't believe that he could be so rude to me, and then my daughter in my home. I will be nice, but I think it might be wasted on him. Oh well, his loss.

Thankful Thursdays

2010-10-28T23:28:00.002-05:00

I think I am going to start a Thankful Thursdays thing. I have a lot to be thankful for and I tend to forget it. So, even though I have posted quite a bit today, I will still post this:

Although...the stupid blogger program won't let me upload right now....stupid thing...

Anyways...here is the list!

1. My daughter sleeping in her room here at my house
2. My husband, home right now.
3. My blackberry, so that I can call my daughter when she isn't here.
4. My job, because I have a way to make some money.
5. My health (for the most part....last weekend I had food poisoning and I have back problems) but I am otherwise healthy and not in a hospital.
6. Netflix, so that I can have something to watch that isn't otherwise on TV.
7. The ability to learn.
8. Music, it fuels my soul and keeps me dancing/singing.
9. Forgiveness, without it, my daughter would not be here.
AND #10! My sobriety, without it, none of the rest would be here

The kid....

2010-10-28T21:41:00.003-05:00

Now, if you were unaware, my daughter lives with my mom. This has been an arrangement for awhile and I did what was best for my daughter at the time. I just started being able to see her again. Its been great. She has her own room with a bed, dresser, nightstand, and tv. She doesn't have a lot of toys here but it seems like she is moving in little by little. Its kinda cute. She is 7 years old and is in 2nd grade. She says some of the funniest things.

For example, the other day I was asking her how school was. She replies: "Mom, its just like adult school, only for little kids."

Today, we were driving home. The conversation went like this:
Bear (the kid): "Mom, am I half monkey?"

Me: "No, you are half mom and half dad"

Bear: (giggling) "Does that mean I will get one of these" (gesturing to a spot just below her lips and her chin)

Me: (laughing) "No, only boys get those"

Bear: "Why?"

Me: "To make them look masculine"

Bear: "What's that?"

Me: "Manly"

Bear: "Oh! Like dad?"

Yes, like dad kiddo.

I have others, but thats enough for today....ohh and she said "Its like the breath of my pizza" What?! What does that mean?

This business of being a chefwife....

2010-10-26T23:24:00.002-05:00

As of late, my posts have been more about my life in general and its usually about me being in school. I try not to complain too much about my life as a chef's wife. Not like I have been one for very long. I know what I married into. I know the long hours are a part of the job. Its a part of the life. I understand that. I married him when he was at this job, we started dating while he was at this job. I get that! What I don't understand....is how my husband has been ignoring my needs lately. I miss his kisses. I miss him trailing behind me when I go to another room and kissing me or putting his arms around me. I miss the affection. We have been through so much in our short marriage, yet I feel like we are just drifting apart. We made it through the miscarriage. Yet, we can't find time to be intimate with each other. We made it through a stressful move. We are starting to see my daughter, every weekend, but I feel like he can't seem to make the time for me. I spoke with him about this earlier on the phone. It seems like everything always comes to a head on Tuesdays, inventory day, the day he comes home super late and I hardly see him. Maybe its the fact that I realize that when I am sitting around and I miss him. Its not that he isn't here its just that when he is here hes not. If that makes sense. Hopefully things will look up soon.

I just needed to get that rant off my chest. Thanks

Maybe...

2010-10-12T16:10:00.002-05:00

So much has been happening. So quickly too. I don't remember the last time I posted. Probably been awhile. So, the chef and I moved a few weeks ago. We moved into a bigger apartment in a better area. We are nowhere near close to being unpacked. We also got everything out of my storage unit, and put it all into our garage. Finally, a bill we are done with. Especially since we pay for a garage. Also, we got a cat. She is a little bitch. She snuggles up to the chef all the time, I think part of that has to do with the fact that no matter what he is wearing, she can smell food on him. I think its a part of him, always will be. Then, our cat, Bella, wants to just ATTACK you like crazy! She is really playful and can be a pain in the ass. She will get you if you don't pay attention to her when you are walking. Or just when you are sitting down, not moving an inch she just comes up and nips your arm or foot. Yep, thats my cat.

In other good news, I saw my daughter this past weekend! She is amazing. She is hilarious, says the funniest things. I love it and I really wish she was living with me. She loves music and wants to play it loud in the car, which, even though I listen to to loud music, I kinda just wanna turn it down. Makes me feel like an old lady. Hahaha. Lucky for me and my chef she was able to stay the night. We were in bliss being parents for 24 hours. I miss her so much. I can't wait until she is living with us full-time.

On another note, I might be changing my major in college. I have come to the realization that maybe I can't be a pastry chef. I am fully capable mentally, I have the brains, its just the schedule seriously sucks, I need to have time for my daughter. I have a hard enough time trying to not work nights at my job now and I only work at a grocery store. With the chef working crazy hours, my (our) daughter needs at least one parent that works normal hours and is home to help with homework and take her to t-ball/soccer/volleyball/basketball practices...and whatever else she wants to be involved in. I would go bonkers if I didn't work and we need me to have some sort of income but I don't think its in the cards for me to be in culinary too. I can always bake at home :) That and, my body has been killing me working on my feet like I do. I can't imagine doing it more than I do already. I only work 2-3 days as it is so working 5-7....no thanks! So, next week I go and talk to an advisor at school and find out what I can do. I need to figure things out. I just want to work a regular Monday thru Friday schedule and be home at night. Any suggestions are welcome.

No love for the wicked..

2010-09-03T08:53:00.003-05:00

I guess my title is weird. Anyways, chef has been super sick lately, he claims he "feels fine" but I don't know if thats true or just a man thing. (Ha! I know I'm going to get some shit for this later!) I love him a lot. Which is why I made him go to the Dr. for his breathing. So Wednesday night, we go to the Urgent Care (he purposely got off work early for this) and the Dr was in there and is looking around...and he has a double ear infection! He says his ears never even hurt and he never thought that would be whats wrong with him! Honestly, me either. So, he is on antibiotics, which is amoxicillian (sp?) and I am allergic to penicillian (sp?). So that means, no kissing. This sucks, I can kiss his cheek, but not his lips, for another week or so (on the pills for 10 days). This seriously sucks. And its doctor's orders. Again. We couldn't "practice" making a baby since my HCG levels aren't at zero yet and then another 6 weeks after that...but NO kissing?! Sucks balls. (no not literally, but you know what I mean). I guess that explains the title now.

On another note: I have been making dinner lately, it might be "easy" stuff, but I do put forth an effort. Wednesday night, we came home, I was supposed to try out this recipe from my new cookbook Debbie Macomber's Cedar Cove Cookbook (yes, I just linked you to barnes and noble, I have a nook, what do you expect?). I got the cookbook for my birthday, and have yet to try out a recipe. She is on my "Favorite Author's List" lol. (there is no actual list, its just one of those authors I read all the time and if I find a book by her I haven't read yet, I will read it without knowing more about it, because she is that good). Anyways, chef was a little too tired to wait for me to cook it up so I made mac and cheese and hot dogs instead (ahhh, reminds you of childhood eh?). Chef had his hot dogs on the side, I on the other hand, had mine cut up and mixed in. Love it. Then last night, Thursday, I had to have a friend come and rescue me (isn't that why I got married? No knight in shining tin foil for me, I have FRIENDS!) lol. ...really, its ok chef!.. I had left my headlights on in the car and was stuck at work. LAME. So, K came and bailed me out, she pushed my car (a big feat since its a cadillac) and jumped it. Which is funny since neither one of us knew how to do that. Anyways, she was at our apartment after and we were both hungry, and we (the chef and I) have groceries, so why not cook? I'm capable! So, we had fried egg sandwiches with bacon. mmmmm. I love me some bacon. Now, K wants me to adopt her. Funny, she is about 9 months younger than I am. Not possible, and chef said no. Also, Wednesday, I made (box mix) brownies. I used a new pan, a wilton one, and I wasn't used to baking with it, I usually used a glass one...and apparently in SMALL ass print, it says to cut the baking time by 3 mins, which I didn't see until I pulled it out of the oven. Stupid directions. So we have extra chewy (still good and I love my brownies chewy...) brownies with crisp edges. Oh well. At least I baked something right? Hopefully this weekend I will be making the stuffed peppers. Which chef doesn't like peppers that much but he will deal, he helped me pick the recipe I would use.

We are also moving! We move the 17th, so please excuse the lack of posts and progress on the 101 in 1001. I have barely packed. (eye roll) I guess I am going to be the one packing us up? Seems like it. I start school on Tuesday so hopefully it will be less homework and a little more time for me to pack, at least until we get moved. Ugh, chef? We could have done this SOONER! I had 3 weeks off from school! I know, we have been going thru some shit so I wouldn't have wanted to pack anyways. Sue me. I am a procrastinater. But, I have been bringing home boxes when I can, even before we found the place. There are 4 official boxes packs. Wish me luck!

4/101 Watch 26 movies I haven't seen, one for each letter of the alphabet

2010-08-25T21:10:00.010-05:00

As of today, I have seen 3 out of 26 so far (I love Netflix)

A- According to Greta (2009), This has Hilary Duff in it, the beginning of it reminded me severly of Georgia Rule and I thought it was an odd character for Hilary Duff to star as. The story was great, in my opinion. The difference between Georgia Rule and this movie is the step father isn't sexually molesting the daughter of the story. The mother of this movie seems to be more indifferent to her daughter. I enjoyed the movie myself. And I especially enjoyed that she was hooking up with a cook/chef :)

B- Big Fat Liar (2002), I didn't think the story was all that great for Amanda Bynes. I thought the story was funny, but a little far-fetched.

C- Cashback (2006), this movie...well, it was really really freaking slow. I didn't like that too much. There was a lot of nudity. There is one scene, where they are at the strip club and Ben, the main character, spaces out and looks at a stripper with a lit pole, she was hot. I am not afraid to admit that a female is hot. The end, meh, it was typical of a love story in my opinion.

Part 3 in 5000 question survery (#56 of 101 in 1001)

2010-08-25T20:27:00.001-05:00

201. Put these creatures in order from what you would least like to be reincarnated as (1), to what you would most like to be reincarnated as (10) assuming reincarnation ended up existing AND you were given a choice.

caterpillar, house dog, wild dog, vulture, male human, female human, oak tree, rock, manta ray, dolphin
Rock, caterpillar, oak tree, vulture, manta ray, wild dog, dolphin, house dog, female human, male human

202. What do you feel unworthy of?
Sometimes, love and affection and other times, acceptance.

203. Would you rather be remembered for having done something for humanity or being a really nice person?
I think if its the choice and its one or the other, I would rather be known for being a really nice person.

204. Which do you value more: science or intuition?
Intuiton

205. Your best friend and your significant other are in the hospital at the same time with the same ailment. Who do you visit first?
My husband.

206. Does the universe revolve around human beings?
No, I believe it revolves around nature.

207. If you are no longer a virgin, do you wish you still were?
No, I wouldn't have my daughter if I were.

208. Who is your favorite poet of those who are alive right now?
I don't have one.

209. What is your favorite song from the 90's?
Heh...good question

210. If you were in alphabet soup what letter would you be?
X

211. Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc.?
I believe in fairies, ghosts and angels. Not so sure about the rest

212. What makes you want to be someone’s friend?
Similar interests and they have to be a nice person

213. Do you troll around the Internet harassing people anonymously for fun?
No, karma is a bitch

214. Have you ever seen the movie A Man Who Fell to Earth?
No

215. What is your favorite line from a movie?

216. What's your favorite video game?
Sims3

217. Have you ever taken something that wasn't yours?
When I was younger

218. What is one phrase people say that irritates you?
A times, I truely hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason" I know this and I usually live by it, but in certain circumstances (i.e. miscarriage) that is the last thing someone who is going through that wants to hear.

219. You allow strangers to read your diary, but would you let your parents read it?
If my blog is considered my "diary", no. There are things about me on my blog that my parents don't know.

220. Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower?
I enjoy hot steamy showers, so between the two, I would pick a bubble bath.

221. Are you allergic to anything?
Cats, bullshit, and penicillian

222. What is your favorite Terminator movie?
The orginal

223. What is your favorite fast food?
Runza

224. What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again?
Fall off the face of the earth. I understand people make mistakes, but I won't go out of my way to talk to people who have seriously wronged me, I will be courtious if they try to talk to me though.

225. Would (or have) you ever whip someone or be whipped by someone in bed?
I would, never have though.

226. Have you ever said 'I hate everyone' and really meant it literally?
Yes. There have been days.

227. Why do some people want to get more money than they could ever spend?
They want to swim in it like on DuckTales

228. Have you ever won a carnival fish?
No

229. Did it live more than a week?

230. What's the best sounding accent a person can have?
Southern, just ask my husband

231. What's the most boring thing you've ever read?
The Book of Mormon

232. Do you prefer buttons or touch screens?
Depends on what in reference to. Probably buttons though.

233. Do you think there is a lot of similarity between the Harry Potter books and the Lord of the Rings series?
If I paid attention to these things I might be able to give you an answer.

234. Would you consider yourself to be naive?
No

235. Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail?
Hahahahaha.....ummmm....K? She isnt really a friend anymore, but I could see her doing something stupid

236. What is the smallest amount of money that could be in a public toilet that would make you reach in and grab it?
Is the toilet water clean or not? If its clean (or appears to be) I would probably go for a 20. Unclean...there better be a hundred in there.

237. Would you ever wear real fur?
No. I think its creepy

238. Arachnophobia or Eight Legged Freaks?
Neither, I have arachnophobia and they would give me nightmares

239. What are your feelings about police officers?
My uncle is one, so I am pretty cool with them. They are only doing their job.

240. what is your favorite line from a song?
Huh?

241. Is fifty dollars a lot of money?
If you have none, yes

242. Do you like the band Front 242 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Front_242)?
No

243. Would you rather have fame, money, or self-satisfaction?
Self-satisfaction

244. What's your middle name?
Lee (the same as my husband's)

245. What is the absolute limit, the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?
Are you offering? No? Ok. When you are offering, I will let you know whether I would do the thing. Until then, the sky might be the limit.

246. Are you good, evil or neutral?
I am good with evil tendencies

247. Should ebonics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ebonics) be considered a language?
No, its slang. Every language has it.

248. What color is your bedroom?
The walls are white. Bed is brown and green.

What color would you like it to be?
More earthtones

249. When are you planning to move to a new home?
We just moved here, we don't want to move anytime soon.

250. If you added up the cost of everything in the room with you, approximately what would it come out to be?
Are you staking the place out? Its pretty high. I won't go there.

251. Do you blow your nose in public?
My husband does, I prefer the bathroom for that. Unless its an emergency

252. Do you want to follow in your parent's footsteps?
No

253. What is the coolest web site you know of?
Google. LOL

254. Which cartoon would you most like to see turned into a movie?
The Smurfs. A modern version. Yes!

255. Of the following, which word best describes you: enthusiastic,

fair minded, generous, helpful
helpful?

256. Can you eat with chopsticks?
For the most part

257. Could you tell real money from counterfeit?
How much time do I have? Yes.

258. What do you think about school uniforms?
They would make it easier to find something to wear for my kid. Might not be a bad idea for everyone.

259. What ancient civilization would you most like to visit?
Atlantis

260. What would make a great new Crayola color?
Punk-Rocker Pink...A mixture of hot pink and black :)

261. If an art project is created with the intent of getting rich and famous, does that cast doubt over its significance as a work of art?
No, why would it?

262. If you became president, whom would you invite to sing at your inauguration?
Lady Gaga!

263. Who is the greatest philosopher of your country?
What? I don't know

264. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
They smoked it :)

265. Is it as easy to make you happy now as it was when you were a child?
Maybe easier

266. Who knows more...you, or your parents?
About what?

267. What instrument would you like to be famous for playing?
The bongos

268. Children fill its lungs completely with air. Adults breathe in a more shallow way, not filling their lungs completely. Why the change?
I don't know? Adults are lazier? lol

269. Would you have sex with a stranger for one million dollars?
No

270. Are you completely in control of your body?
Unless I am sick

Are you completely in control of your mind?
All 60,000 thoughts I think are mine.

271. Which is more romantic: an expensive, glittering bouquet OR flowers that were hand picked as they grew beside the parkway?
Hand picked flowers :)

272. Do you know yourself well enough to understand why you feel the way you do?
Yes, except for pain

273. Which do you do more often: let movies, songs and books put your feelings into words for you or put your feelings into words by yourself?
Let the movies, songs and books do it for me

274. Do you believe celebrities when they are endorsing a product?
No

275. What kind of movies do you wish were made more often?
Good scary movies.

276. Does fashion matter to you?
Not really

277. Should politicians be held to the same legal standards as everyone else?
Yes, possibly higher since children tend to look up to them.

278. What do you get in trouble for the most?
My mouth

279. Should parents spank their kids?
It depends. Some parents overdo it or do it when its not necessary.

280. What is your worst daily habit?
smoking

281. If you had your choice which one TV show would you have canceled?
Lost (don't hate)

282. Do you like the taste of sweet or salt?
I like both, together :)

283. Are you very precise about what words you use to describe your feelings and thoughts?
No, sometimes I open my mouth and words just tumble out

284. What do you feel the most guilty about?
My daughter not living with me full time

285. Do you meditate?
I should

286. Can dreams be visions, or do you feel they are always random images?
They can be visions, but they can also be your subconsious telling you something more

287. Do you try to write/say what you are feeling in a true and simple way?
For the most part

288. The thief _______ that everyone steals.

What verb would you fill in the blank with?
Thinks

289. What's the most incredible experience you ever had?
Giving birth

290. Are you ever afraid to write/say/think how you feel?
Sometimes

291. Do you write/say/think it anyway or become intimidated and try to avoid it?
I think what I want, I say what I think sometimes. And I try to write carefully.

292. What is one thing you can't do?
Lick my elbow

293. Do you like movies starring Charleton Heston (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleton_Heston)?
No

294. Are you gentle?
Yes

295. When do you feel the most raw and vulnerable?
With my daughter or husband

296. Are you trying to find yourself?
Sometimes

297. Where are you looking?
In my interests

298. Are you sometimes afraid of being honest because you are afraid of hurting people's feelings?
Sometimes

299. What would make you a stronger person?
Life experiences have made me a stronger person, they would just continue to do that

300. What book would you like to read sometime soon?
Oh geez, look in my library on my nook. LOL

Part 2 of 5000 question survey (#56 for 101 in 1001)

2010-08-25T20:23:00.003-05:00

101. What does happiness/joy feel like physically?
like complete contentment
102. List five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most.

A Charity, my daughter (don't take offense chef)

B My husband

C Heather

D My aunt/adoptive mom and her husband

E My father-in-law and mother-in-law

103. How many movies have you gone to see this month?
None
104. If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself, what would you wish for?
1. My husband to find happiness in his job.
2. For my family to be content with how I am.
3. World peace :)
105. In what ways do you relax and de-stress when you are really tense?
I talk to my husband, my sponsor, go to a meeting, dance around...while listening to upbeat music. Take your pick
106. How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in the springtime and get out of the car?
That would depend on how much I weigh at the time. ;)
107. Have you ever killed an animal?
Not intentionally
108. Have you ever lost someone close to you?
Yes. I hope to get her back
109. What do you think of cloning?
I think its weird
110. Do you read or watch TV more often?
I multi-task! I can read AND watch TV at the same time. But I think TV wins
111. With all this talk of terrorism going around are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased safety?
I really don't have a choice. Especially if I want to ride an airplane. But I have no problem sacrificing for my safety and the safety of my family.
112. What is the punishment you would come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive?
It might involve a rusty spork.
113. Have you ever named an individual part of your body?
The girls
114. Have you ever been on the radio or on TV?
Yes, I was on TV briefly for Fat Tuesday when I worked at a restaurant and I occassionally call a morning show that I listen to.
115. Have you ever won a lottery, or sweepstakes?
Not the lottery, I have won about $70 at the casino in one visit.
116. Have you ever won a contest or competition?
I won a free book from desperatechefswives.com
117. Do you like to watch The Joy of Painting show with Bob Ross (check out this link if you don't know who he is. Also please note me if you notice the link is broken) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Ross_(painter)?
I used to. I love happy trees!
118. Do you know what your grandparents and your great grand parents did for a living?
I know what my grandparents did, my great grandparents, not so much. I only know my paternal great grandfather worked on the Alaskan Pipeline, thats how he died.
119. Is there anything really interesting in your family history?
Read #118. Also, on my maternal grandmother's side, my family history has been traced back so far that I am/was related to John Adams and John Quincy Adams. And possibly William McKinley (in case nobody knows, these are former presidents)
120. Is there anyone you trust completely?
Yes.
121. Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye?
Yes.
122. How do you feel about women in politics?
I think whoever is qualified should be elected. It doesn't matter what sex or race they are.
123. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool?
Hmmm....indoor Jacuzzi, yep, that would be nice.
124. What things are you interested in that you study or read about on your own?
Different religions interest me.
125. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent?
Maybe
126. Would you consider yourself to be wise?
No
127. Have you ever given or received a lap dance?
Given, yes. Received, no.
128. Have you ever spoken to a homeless person?
Yes
129. Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring?
No
130. If you could add 70 years to your life but only by making some random person die 70 years sooner would you?
No, karma is a bitch
131. Can you finish any of the following lyrics?

A: Nothing to kill or die for...

B: Late comings with the late comin' stretcher...

C: I could make a film and make you my star...

132. Were you ever with someone while they died?
Yes.
133. Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star?
Rock star would be fun.
134. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote?
Yes
135. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail?
Yes
136. Are you looking forward to any concerts right now?
Lady Gaga is coming in March, probably won't be able to go though.
137. Of all animated movies, which is the best one you've ever seen?
Does pixar count? I like Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs :)
138. What are the best bands or songs to listen to while driving?
Loud songs that make me sing
139. What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?
Going to the moon is pretty amazing
140. What could a member of the opposite sex do to impress you?
Nothing, unless they were my husband. But that would be nice if he surprised me with something romantic (he reads this and needs to use his imagination)
141. About how many emails do you get a day?
Possibly an average of 3-4
How many of those emails are junk mail?
Possibly an average of -4 :)
How many of them are forwards?
none
142. What's your favorite thing to do online besides write in your diary and hang out at this site?
Facebook games...soo addicting
143. Do you believe Kurt Cobain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Cobain) killed himself or was it a conspiracy?
I think he killed himself.
144. Have you ever though about hitchhiking across the country?
No
145. Who would you bring with you on this kind of a road trip?
I wouldn't hitchhike across the country
146. Of the following, which word best describes you: accurate, bold,

charming, dependable
dependable
147. If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down and get married? If you are married, how old were you at the time?
I got married when I was 25
148. Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time you will ever see them?
Sometimes, only with specific people though
149. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out?
None right now
150. What is your quest?
That is up to God
151. What is louder and more annoying: 200 adults talking or one four-year-old screaming?
That all depends on how large the space is.
152. Do you believe the stories about planes, boats and people mysteriously disappearing into the Bermuda triangle?
Yes
153. Who are you the most jealous of?
People who get their dream honeymoons...or any honeymoon
154. What is the happiest way you can start your day?
With a cuddle and kiss from my husband.
155. Do you ever have moments where you feel like everything is all right in the world?
Of course
156. Who thinks that you are offensive?
People
157. If you had to teach a class in something, what would you be able to teach people?
How to procrastinate :)
158. Have you ever had a spiritual experience (an experience that cannot be explained by science)?
Yes
159. Do you believe that this experience was truly mystical or do you think there is some scientific explanation for it, only you don't know what it is?
I beleive it cannot be explained by science
160. Do you get offended easily?
Not usually
161. Would you still love and stay with your signifigant other if he or she had to have a breast or testicle removed?
Yes
162. Do you believe in fate or free will?
Both
163. Do you believe that only boring people get bored?
No
164. Can life change or are we all stuck in vain?
Life can change if you want it to and work for it
165. What changes are you afraid of?
Losing it all again
166. Are you a day person or nocturnal?
I am not a mornign person
167. What one CD could you listen to for an entire week (no mixed CD’s, it must be an album)?
Nickelback, take your pick
168. Which is worse, working in retail, food service, or an office?
Retail
169. What's the coolest job you ever had?
Working in a warehouse was cool
170. What is one central idea that your thoughts seem to come back to?
Oreos :)
171. Have you ever wanted to be an actor/tress?
Yes
172. If you had the power to control one person and make this person do anything you wanted for a whole day, who would you pick and what would they do?
I don't think I would want to do that.
173. What star sign are you and what is your sign like?
I am a Cancer, my sign is like me :)
174. Did the Blair Witch Project scare you?
Yes
175. Are you in constant fear of death?
No
176. Does fear of death keep you from building a life?
No
177. Do you like all your movies to be in wide-screen?
Now I do
178. Are you a fan of any comic books?
Not anymore
179. At what age did you attend your first funeral?
I am not sure, maybe 13
180. What do you smell like (lotion, cologne, sweat)?
Smoke lol
181. What are your greatest sources for wisdom?
wikipedia....JUST KIDDING!! My husband...life experiences
182. When you were little, where did your parents tell you babies come from?
Nope
183. What is your favorite band?
Nickelback? (don't hate)
184. What's the best cheesy 80's song?
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
185. What's the best kind of movie to see on a date?
Romantic Comedy
186. Do you like to sit in the front, middle or back of the Movie Theater?
Back
187. Have you ever been inside an abandoned building?
Nope
188. Under what circumstances would you agree to work for free?
If it was to help people in need
189. Candles or strobe lights?
Candles
190. Do you think the Lord of the Rings movies are true to the books or did Hollywood change the story too much?
Never saw or read them
191. When you see a stranger on the street does your first reaction lean towards thinking of this person as a potential friend or as a potential threat?
I usually ignore people on the street
192. Is it natural for human beings to fear and distrust each other, or is it cultural?
natural
193. What do you really want to buy?
A car
194. You have to choose. Would you be happier marrying someone rich for their money or living in the streets and subway tunnels with someone you love?
I will always pick marrying for love, thats what I did
195. If someone wanted to understand you what book could they read that would help?
I am not sure, maybe the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)
196. Do you think it’s odd that Americans have freedom of religion and yet call themselves 'one nation under god'?
No
197. In what sense are you a minority?
I am female. And I might be the only white girl in the complex...lol
198. Are you anti social?
Sometimes
199. Do you photograph well?
No
200. Do you think that human beings would survivor through a nuclear winter?
A what?

Part 1 of 5000 question survey (#56 in 101 in 1001)

2010-08-24T23:55:00.006-05:00

Please note: some questions I didn't answer because I thought they were either a)useless or b) confusing. Good luck and thanks for learning more about me! And another thing, I started filling this out on 8/24/10 and finished on 8/25/10

1. Who are you?
I hate questions like this, my name is Jessica, but that isn't who I am. I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, and student. I am sure you will find out more about "who I am" throughout this whole process. Oh, and I'm a recovering alcoholic.
2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?
1. I am a crafty person, probably why I want to be a pastry chef.
2. I love my daughter with everything, which is why I let my mom take her when the going was tough. I did what was best for her.
3. Sometimes, even though I love my husband with everything I have, I feel like maybe its all a dream, a wonderful dream and I might wake up and its gone.
3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?
Watching movies, blogging, oh wait, that's what I am doing now. I love spending what little time I have with my husband, going to work, going to school, homework, reading, playing around on the internet.
4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).
I love my cooking classes usually. I really liked my "english for idiots" class. I learned a lot about my teacher. This last quarter, I hated my teacher for my cooking class so it made it frusterating to even like the class.
5. What is your biggest goal for this year?
Stay happy, live life like its supposed to. I know this year is almost over, but I wish I could enjoy my life everyday. Sometimes its hard, especially with our recent loss, but I want to grow from the experience.
6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
I want to not be in school! Thats what I know for sure, for now!
7. What stage of life are you in right now?
I am not sure how people would define the stages. I guess I would say I am in transition? I just got married, we are hopefully moving into a bigger apartment...I am going to school. I guess you could say that its a transition.
8. Are you more child-like or childish?
WTF kind of question is this? I don't think I am child-like, unless I am sick or hurt. I am sometimes childish except I try to be more adult.
9. What is the last thing you said out loud?
Probably something vulgar. LOL. I have been home alone all night. Nobody has called me, so probably the last thing I said outloud was when I was driving and usually I am swearing at other drivers.
10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?
I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey...I think that is who it is by, I heard it yesterday, it brings me to tears but I think it fits the mood I have been in the last 7 days.
11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?
No, when I was younger my dad would take tai kwan do (sp?). I used to brag about it. I guess the closest I came to a "martial arts class" was when I went to Tai Chi my senior year.
12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?
It all depends on your perception of things. It does get better. I just have to remind myself that little bumps in the road are a part of life.
13. Does time really heal all wounds?
I think it does, if you let it.
14. How do you handle a rainy day?
I love rain. However it was raining the day that we found out we would lose the baby. Otherwise, I love them.
15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?
Ha!!! I have only been on one trip on an airplane. And my last christmas tree was pre-lit. So, you tell me!
16. How is your relationship with your parents?
My biological parents? Terrible. My adoptive parents? Awesome. My parents-in-law? Awesome again.
Will you miss them when they are gone?
Most definately. Especially the ones that I have an awesome relationship with, but I would miss them all.
17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?
That all depends. I can actually space out so much that I tend to not pay attention to anything around me. But I do like to people watch so I can be aware of my surroundings.
18. What is the truest thing that you know?
Smoking is bad for you. And my husband is an amazing cook.
19. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A kindergarten teacher. That was in 5th grade. Any earlier than that, I don't remember.
20. Have you ever been given a second chance?
I am living my second chance, everyday I am grateful for that.
21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?
I try to be both. I try not to take more than anyone can give. If I had to be one more than the other, I would say I am a giver, or I aspire to be.
22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?
I do try to.
23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?
It used to be my surgery, to be tested for cancer, lymphoma. The recovery was terrible, I don't have lymphoma. However, the most physically painful thing to date would be having a natural miscarriage. I think it made it harder because I was emotionally wounded to the core.
24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?
Its a tie. Saying good bye the day my daughter went to live with my mom and the day my husband and I would miscarry the baby.
25. Who have you hugged today?
My husband. I hug him everyday. And L, I saw him at the store. He always hugs me.
26. Who has done something today to show they care about you?
My husband. He tries to show me everyday that he cares about me, I am lucky.
27. Do you have a lot to learn?
I do. I believe everyone does. Even on my deathbed, I will have a lot to learn.
28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?
I don't want to learn things without the lessons. Learning new things is about the experience.
A

B

C

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?
How other people make you feel. They can say things they don't mean or do things they don't mean, but how they make me feel, I ALWAYS remember that. I will always remember how I felt on my wedding day. I may not always remember what was said by the minister or by loved ones as toasts, but the feeling I had, I will always remember that.
30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?
Communication, honesty, and forgiveness.
31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?

A Touch someone's life the way others have touched mine. I may have already done this, but I will keep trying to do it.

B Ride a mechanical bull.

C Take a chance and live somewhere I haven't before. I have lived in the same area my whole life, I want to get out of my comfort zone so I can grow.

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?

A Having my children know the pain I have. No child should ever think their parents don't love them, no matter what they do. Whether it is true or not.

B Relapse. I don't ever want to put anyone else through the pain I have already caused people that love me.

C

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?
There are a few. MS, Breast Cancer
34. What does each decade make you think of:

The 19..

20's:

30's:

40's:

50's:

60's:

70's:

80's:

90's:

2000 (so far):

2010's:

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?
I don't have a special connection to any decades.
36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?
Angel Eyes by Jeff Heeley Band
37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?
United States of America. Barak Obama
If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?
I'm honestly not sure.
38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?
TV Land. Or Nick
39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?
I don't see myself relating to a Disney villian. I haven't watched any lately, but my mom reminds me of Cruella DeVille sometimes.
40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?
No
41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?
Fly, I have a feeling if I was on a boat for an extended period of time, I might get seasick.
42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?
The sun reflects...blah blah. Or, thats the way God wanted it :)
43. What does your name mean?
God beholds
44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?
Maybe the ocean?
45. Word association

What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:

Air: breathe

Meat: steak

Different: same

Pink: purple

Deserve: earn

White: black

Elvis: peanut butter

Magic: 8 ball

Heart: love

Clash: of the titans

Pulp: fiction

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?
My husband's mother. Or my grandfather on my dad's side.
47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?
Sweet Home Alabama
49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?
To do? I would probably bring my Nook, my laptop and blackberry. My nook can buy books nearly everywhere, I have the 3-G one. My laptop has Sims3 :) And my blackberry, lets me talk to my husband.
50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?
Hmmm...I do believe my sponsor saved my life.
51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...

Fruitgoogle: someone who obsessively googles everything they become a "fruitgoogle"

Ambytime: this would be the portal in which my friend Amber lives in, its not never never land, but close. Its "Ambytime" in her world. Which seems to revolve around her.

Asscactus: This is worse than being an asshat. good luck

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?
Food. In school
53. What was your favorite toy as a child?
I had an ice cream maker, the barbie one. I never did get to use it, but I thought it was pretty freaking cool. That and I loved my cheap-ass play dishes :)
54. How many TV’s are in your house?
There are 2. We use one for actual watching, but we do have another one in my storage.
55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
People watch
56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?
That depends on my mood, but usually I feel like I have seen true beauty
57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?
I have had dreams that parts of them came true, it felt like deja vu
58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
Been to one? No. I have had my cards read though.
59. What is your idea of paradise?
Beach, with my husband and child.
60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?
Sure. He is like a best friend, only without judging.
61. Do you believe in Hell?
No
62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't?
Most people I know? Or most people in general? Just people I know, I have gotten married, and I have a child, thats compared to my close friends. Most people in general...I think I have a one-of-a-kind tattoo. I get complimented on it often
63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?
Let someone I love go
64. Are you a patient person?
Not really. I tell my husband all the time "I only have patience for small children and baking" now add "my husband" to that list.
65. What holiday should exist but doesn't?
Isn't there a holiday for everything?
66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?
See #65
67. What's the best joke you ever heard?
Umm..I don't know?
68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?
Ever been? Probably Branson, MO. I had a blast.
69. Is your hair natural or dyed?
Naturally dyed. LOL. I dye my hair.
70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?
I think I have a secret or two, but people close to me know them.
71. What is under your bed right now?
Nothing, we checked the other day.
72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?
Go home. My husband and child aren't in the Land of Oz
73. If you drive do you frequently speed?
Nope, I am sure it drives my husband and other drivers nuts that I drive the speed limit
74. What is the world's best song to dance to?
Anything by Lady Gaga
75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?
I don't remember?
76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?
Disney
77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?
Penguins
78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?
Occassionally
79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?
Probably not fly off. Maybe just fall over.
80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?
What kind of sacrifices are we talking?
81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?
Why would I pick that for someone else? Everyone has a right to freedom.
82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?
Equator
83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?
Television
84. What do you think makes someone a hero?
I think that all depends on the person who is considering that person a hero
85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?
Hahaha. The simpsons :)
86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:
Seeing/hearing someone throw up
87. What was the last thing you paid for?
Burger King
88. Are you a coupon clipper?
No, my great grandmother is though
89. Get anything good in the mail recently?
I wish. I check the mail everyday and I am disappointed
90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?
Dancing, except I am self conscience. So probably bowling.
91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So...

Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?
Maybe? If you beam enough, lol
92. What insects are you afraid of?
Spiders. And anything that crunches or squishes (out loud) when you kill it. But mostly spiders.
93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?
"No soliciting"
94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?
I don't think I have worn anything eccentric per se, but maybe just wearing something too dressy to a casual place.
95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?
ice cream :)
96. What are your parents interested in?
My step-sisters and my brother. Otherwise, I am not sure.
97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?
When I was younger, we caught a caterpillar, but I think that was more my brother's thing than mine.
Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?
No.
98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?
Plans
99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?
My what the what? Maybe when I am in nature and just listening.
100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?
A tent, matches, and bug spray lol

101 in 1001 days

2010-08-24T17:32:00.004-05:00

I was inspired by someone else's blog to do the 101 in 1001 days, dayzeroproject. It is something for me to do for myself. I am not good at making goals for myself and I have been putting some stuff off for quite some time. I made reasonable goals I think. I didn't want to do anything that influences another person (like they really have to participate) because I think that I should have the goals for myself. Not for anyone else. Although...there is a few that involve my husband, but I don't think he would really mind them at all! I will (hopefully) be updating the blog with my progress. It gives me something outside of my job and school to do. Plus, the chef is gone all the time and I just get a little stir crazy sometimes. And, I think it might help with the healing from our loss. The chef might be doing one of his own, but I really don't know. **Please note: I may change/modify some things. Also, I won't put one up that is personal.**

Here goes!

1. Finish a coloring book. (I have tons of these at my house, I never finish one.)
2. Sleep under the stars/go camping.
3.Watch the sunrise and sunset in the same day.
4.Watch 26 movies I've never seen starting with each letter of the alphabet.
5.Answer the "50 questions that will free your mind"
6.Don't complain about anything for a week.
7.Go to a concert.
8.Get a massage.
9. Dance in the rain.
10.Build a snowman.
11.Go on a roadtrip.
12.Go horseback riding.
13. Identify 100 things that make me happy.
14. Complete a 365 day photo challenge.
15. Go on a picnic.
16. No fast food for a month.
17. Buy a lottery ticket.
18. Find a personally inspirational quote and work it into a piece of art or home decor.
19. Read 100 books (preferrably in 365 days)
20. See 10 classic movies I have never seen.
21. Read 15 classic books.
22. Attemd the midnight premiere of a movie.
23. Go ice skating.
24. Fly a kite.
25. See a movie in 3-D
26. Go skinny dipping.
27. Do some volunteer work.
28. Go to the zoo.
29. Spend a rainy day watching movies in my pjs.
30. Not log into Facebook for a whole week.
31. Host a dinner party (aka inviting friends over for dinner)
32. Go to 5 different museums.
33. Make a birthday cake for someone.
34. Go vegetarian for a month.
35. Expand my vocabulary by 50 words.
36. Make a custom recipe book (or recipe box with recipes we use)
37. Have dinner by candlelight.
38. Bake cupcakes.
39. Finish all crossword/wordsearch books I currently own. I have a terrible habit of buying more...and never finishing any.
40. Don't cash in the change jar(s) for a year, not including the quarter cup (which is used for laundry)
41. Make a list of 25 good qualities of myself-seek help from others if needed.
42. Write a letter to myself to open at the end of 1001 days
43. Collect 101 postcards. (if you would like to help by sending me a postcard, let me know, no creeps!)
44. Write a list of 101 things I have already accomplished in my life.
45. Go to the theatre (including opera/ballet)
46. Send Christmas cards.
47. Try a new recipe every month.
48. Play a board game once a month.
49. Go to a roller derby.
50. No candy for a month.
51. Go without soda for a month.
52. Go do a palm reader/psychic.
53. Eat at 5 restaurants I've never been to.
54. Start a new tradition with my husband.
55. Print and frame recent pictures.
56. Complete 5,000 question survery.
57. Buy 20 scratch tickets. Scratch all at same time.
58. Pay for the person behind me at the drive-thru.
59. Go to the pumpkin patch.
60. Carve a jack-o-lantern.
61. Make a piece of jewelry for: C, myself, mama K, H, mama L, K, and A.
62. Feed the ducks/swans (bring camera!)
63. Stay at a bed and breakfast.
64. Unplug for a weekend.
65. Do something for a cause that means something to me (ex. MS, breast cancer, alcoholics, miscarriage...etc)
66. Go to a haunted house.
67. Donate 1,000,000 grains of rice.
68. Do 50 creative writing prompts.
69. Post 100 Operation Beautiful notes.
70. Try a fried Snickers.
71. Go sledding.
72. Give up something for Lent (yes, I know, I am not Catholic)
73. Attend Midnight Mass at least once.
74. Bake something vegan.
75. Bake something gluten-free
76. Leave phone at home when out with husband for one month (3 different months)
77. Make a "homemade" pizza (crust need not be homemade).
78. Wear heels more (once ever other month).
79. Learn how to crotchet squares.
80. Make a crotchet square blanket.
81. Finish C's blanket.
82. Catalog all books I currently own.
83. Sell all unnecessary books.
84. Go to the Douglas County Fair.
85. Ride a ferris wheel.
86. Ride zip line (in Branson)
87. Go swinging at a playground. (jumping from swing is optional!)
88. Try Indian food.
89. Learn how to successfully make pancakes.
90. Grow another plant from a leaf.
91. Go to the comedy club.
92. Add at least one angel to my collection.
93. Figure out and replace the missing number(s) to my angel calendar.
94. Finish C's bench.
95. Hehehe, this one y'all can't know! But I promise, its good.
96. Go to Lake Manawa.
97. Visit Platte River State Park.
98. Take a bubble bath once a week for a month.
99. Subscribe to a magazine.
100. Don't swear for a week. (add quarter for each word to above mentioned change jar)
101. Make a new list at the end of 1001 days.

I will keep y'all updated!

Its getting easier...

2010-08-23T18:28:00.003-05:00

Today, we went to the doctor for our follow up to my miscarriage. It was ok. We talked about what is going on in the coming weeks/months and what I would have to do. The main thing is this, I had a natural miscarriage yesterday and they still have to test my blood to make sure my hcg levels go back to zero. I will have to go back every week or 2 weeks to have them draw blood. Fun. NOT! I hate needles, yes, I know I have tattoos but its different. The days have been easier, I know that I have been sad, but I don't cry all the time like I did when we first found out. I know that God has a plan for us and we just need to trust Him and believe that He knows what He is doing. We have found comfort in knowing that our little angel baby is in heaven with Grandma(his mom). Eventually, we will try again. For now, we are just trying to make sure that I am healthy and we will get to trying again eventually. The worst part! We can't make love until 6 weeks after my levels are at zero. (HELLO!! Chef??) I spoke with a friend last night, she miscarried mid-June...her levels are still at a 7!! Just think...lol...that could be us! 2 months later and still can't do anything! I guess we will have to wait it out.

I have found a great support on thebump.com, they have a miscarriage/pregnancy loss board there. I am able to share some of my fears and sadness on that board. I am able to get support there when the chef is at work. It sucks that he is working 6 days a week right now, but I am SO grateful that I have that board and he has been able to be there for every major appointment. I know, I am afraid of needles, but I am 26! I don't need my husband to come hold my hand while I get blood drawn. Yes, its very nice when he is there, but not necessary if thats all that is going on. He has been my rock and I love him more and more everyday. This experience has brought us together.

I have been on break from school, I don't go back until next month. I am grateful that I have had this time off to be able to take time and not have to worry about what is going on with everything else. I just have to worry about work. And occassionally, laundry. LOL My last baking class, I had a really hard time with my teacher. I haven't had the desire to really bake anything since. Next quarter I am taking a class called the physiology of flavor. Maybe that will give me back my mojo. Or maybe its just that since everything happened right after my final in my baking class, I am having a hard time with getting back in the saddle even though I had a really REALLY hard time with that teacher. Or maybe since I haven't been able to get a full night's rest in a LONG time, I just don't have the energy. We got a prescription for me from my OB to try and help me fall asleep so maybe I can get on a schedule.

My other heartbreak today, my weight. I have been aware that I am not a skinny mini anymore, but I would like to actively try and lose weight. The chef and I really need to stop eating out all the damn time. I would LOVE to just cook at home and have a homemade meal every day. I just need to find easy (for now since I am still dealing with everything else) recipes that I can make for myself and the chef can have when he gets home. Any ideas? If anyone has ANY recipes (my chef included) PLEASE let me know! I would love to kick-start my cooking again. Even if its slowly.

Flying with the Angels

2010-08-18T18:12:00.004-05:00

I will keep this short and sweet because if I don't I might wind up bawling, like I have been for almost 6 days straight. We found out last night after many blood tests monitoring my HCG levels and 3 ultrasounds, we are losing the baby. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be at this time. The chef and I are grieving, it was going to be his first child and my second. We weren't trying or not trying, it was a welcome surprise we found out 2 weeks after our wedding. We were very excited and may eventually try again. I say "may" because right now, I don't want to think about trying again, I just want to grieve this loss and see what God has in store for us. I do want to have (more) children someday, just not sure when. Maybe in a few months or so. So a simple request, please keep us in your thoughts (and prayers).
I do believe that out little angel will be looking out for us. We loved the idea of being parents together.

Food is gooood!!

2010-08-08T23:47:00.004-05:00

Yes, food is definately good! Most food that is. I am also a terrible blogger again. Nothing new there! Just getting settled into married life with the chef and I have my final on Wed. The stress was pretty bad for 2 weeks until the wedding and then, I was still tired all the time. I couldn't figure it out. We went to Branson, MO a week after the wedding. I really wish we had had more time there, I had a lot of fun just seeing the sites and walking around. That, and my in-laws live there and I had a great time with them. We were there over our birthdays. Had some bad food, and some great food. Also, some amazing custard!! Oh I wish we had an Andy's here!! Anyways, we got back, I thought maybe I was just exhausted from being in the car for 8 hours. Still tired on the Friday after, 2 weeks into our marriage. Turns out...we are expecting!! I mean, WTH! I guess we werent all that careful and, well, we are happy about it! Probably should get some much needed sleep right now though!

Married to a Chef!

2010-07-16T10:39:00.002-05:00

Finally, I can officially say that I am married to a chef. Thats not why I got married. That would be crazy. I married my chef because I love him and he is my best friend and soulmate. This weekend we are going to his parent's house in MO. My birthday is tomorrow (Saturday) and his is on Sunday. Today, we have been married a week. Pretty freaking awesome. I had a big blowup on my Facebook last weekend. It was my family angry that they weren't invited or told about the wedding. Geesh! I didn't know I needed to put a bulletin out for when I do anything. Not like they don't get pregnant and have babies without me knowing. Speaking of babies, apparently there was a rumor going around that I am pregnant. HA! As if any of them know. I guess it started on my dad's side and floated to my mom's side of the family. Which is weird because my parents haven't been married to each other for 20+ years. I am happy, the chef is happy and we are getting out of town and off the internet for a few days. I can't wait. I love his parents, they are incredible. I am just worried I might forget something at home when it comes to packing!!! Have a good weekend, soon I will post some pictures of our wedding. Until then, I have to work tonight, school (mid-term) in the morning and we are off!

cue the wedding march!

2010-06-25T23:12:00.002-05:00

Last night, the chef and I decided that we didn't want to wait until I am done with school to get married. My license is expiring next month on my birthday anyways. Why pay for it again? Just get married before and change my name and renew it at the same time! HAHAHA! Just kidding! We love each other, yes, we have our differences, but we really do love each other. We are a team, we discuss everything, sometimes beat it to death until it looks like roadkill at the indy 500. We are quirky (dont laugh chef, you know you are!), we have our own little sense of humor. We can almost always tell what the other is thinking by a look. I love the man. We are going to get married in 2 weeks. We will be going shopping for his ring and my simple band that I will be able to wear to school and work. Monday, we are going to get the marriage license. My good friend, K, described it as "whirlwind". I love it. We had to find someone who is ordained because neither of us can see us getting married in a courtroom. I had an acquaintance who is a minister/pastor/ (d, all of the above?) and she has a church. She agreed to the short notice and said it would take about 15-20 minutes. Thats all? The chef, he likes her already. K has been helping me decide what to do about everything bc I have no idea how to plan a small wedding on the fly. I guess that is how our life is, just winging it! Anyways, I have a ton on my mind and not sure how to write vows, I need to make a list of companies I need to inform of my new name, blah blah blah. WOW. Ok. Good night.

One Year!!!

2010-06-23T23:21:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday was mine and the chef's one year anniversary. I have had an amazing time, mostly. There have been hard times, like holidays, and really great times, our birthdays....my christmas surprise...good food...love & support, just to name a few. I still remember when we met. I was waitressing at a restuarant close to his restaurant. He had just moved to Omaha and he had been here for about a week. He came in...or walked up? with a bunch of people from the restaurant he worked at. They all were sitting in my section which was the patio. I was trying to clean up so I could go home from a long night. (I had a boyfriend at the time and it wasnt worth it...) I didn't mind waiting on their table, mainly because they tip extremely well because its usually mostly servers. And they wouldnt give me a hard time for smoking on the job or cleaning up around them. Except, chef was sitting in my walkway so I was basically climbing over him. I'm sure I looked a mess, with my t-shirt advertising the restuarant and a few lewd things and suspenders with buttons that I attached. He drank black and tans (I was always afraid I would ruin the separation on these.) I was friendly with the table and since the chef was new, I explained a few things to him. They stayed for awhile and left. I saw him a bit after that when he would come into the restuarant, he mainly sat at the bar and drank black and tans and ate catfish nuggets. I was sad he never sat in my section again, but was friendly to him.

Eventually, my boyfriend at the time and I broke up. We were never meant to be, and I would still chat with the chef. One night, he said to me "If you ever want to hang out, let me know" I shrugged it off but thought about it quite a bit after that. I waited for him to come back in, it seemed like months....it was only maybe a week. By this time, everyone at work was waiting and watching for him to come in. He finally showed up when I was working and I went up and talked to him again and he again said "If you ever wanna hang out, let me know." I grew balls and said "Kinda hard for me to let you know since I only see you while I am working and have no way of getting ahold of you" I had a point! This still makes me smile to this day! We exchanged numbers and left it at that. I happened to be reading He's Just Not That Into You and I went home and read a part of the book that says if this happens, He's just not that into you. I was sad. So I decided to leave it alone and only see him at work. We had exchanged numbers on a Saturday night and he texted me on Monday, not sure if I was working. Wednesday, we had our first date, less than a week later, we were a couple. Now, a year later, we are engaged, living together, and sharing more than a conversation in a dark restaurant (for me, between customers). I am grateful that I grew balls that day, I was missing out on an amazing man!!

**If you are reading this, I want you to know, I love you. And I am grateful for every (bad & good) day we have together. You keep me balanced, hold me when I am sad and make me laugh. You have always been a constant support to me in whatever I want to do and I couldn't ask for a better man. Thank you! :)

Father's Day 2010

2010-06-20T01:08:00.003-05:00

Today is Father's Day 2010, and I am a daughter who has a father, who has turned his back on me. For those of you new to my blog, I am a recovering alcoholic with over 3 years of sobriety. I had a hard time finding my way when I was younger. I am 25 (soon to be 26), recently engaged to a Chef. I started drinking when I was 14. I thought it was fun. I drank throughout high school and after graduation. I lived with my (mormon) grandparents right after school let out until Feb. of 2003. I was asked to move out around Christmas in 2002 because I had recently found out I was pregnant. I moved back in with my dad. My daughter was born July 25th 2003. In November of 2003, my dad asked me to move out. I was only 19 and had a 4 month old in tow. I was in school for Criminal Justice, that only lasted a quarter. I dropped out, I was still drinking, although I had stopped while I was pregnant. In November 2005, I was being evicted from my apartment of 2 years and I was going to be homeless. My mother approached me, offering to let my daughter live with her so my daughter wouldnt have to be homeless with me. I packed my daughter's belongings into my mother's car and said good-bye. My mom lives an hour away. I had no job and had the daunting task of packing the rest of our belongings and trying to figure out what to do. I put everything in storage. I continued drinking. I was staying with a friend of mine, not working, just partying. Then, I got 2 jobs, shortly after, I injured myself at one job and had to quit the other. I was placed on leave had to move again. I was renting a room in a house with a house of strangers. We drank, a lot. I got evicted from there, I stayed with my friend again for 2 weeks. She told me I needed to find something. I was just getting sober, about 3 weeks. I moved into a 3/4 way house and lived there for 5 months before moving in with my boyfriend at the time. That lasted about a month before I had to find my own place because he went back to rehab and our roommate was doing meth in his room. I moved into my apartment, I have been here for 3 years. I have seen my dad once since I have been sober. I am an outsider. A lot of times, I feel like a bad parent. I am going to school to get my degree in Culinary Arts: Baking/Pastry. I have been on the Dean's List for 2 quarters in a row. My father doesnt know this. Easter, 2008, he told me he has given up on me. I havent spoken to him since. I guess, I received a call from my step mom saying there was a death in the family, but that is all. He used to be my hero. I used to look up to my dad for making mine and my brother's lives better. We are so estranged that I dont think he will even attend my wedding, let alone walk me down the aisle. I am his only daughter. I know that I have made my own mistakes with him, I own up to those. I can only do the next best thing to mend the fences. I dont get phone calls on my birthday from any family members. When I was a girl, my dad always told me he would love me unconditionally. I know unconditional love this day, and it isnt from my father. I get unconditional love from my aunt and uncle, my fiance, my sponsor and my few friends that have stuck by me through the years. I know what conditional love is, and its sad to say that it comes from the people who told me they would love me forever. People talk about a parent's love for their child, that a mother never stops loving a child. I know this because that is the love I have for my own daughter. My mother, I think she stopped loving me a long time ago. She loves my daughter, but I doubt she can honestly say she loves me. Any correspondance I recieve from her is signed with her legal name, not "mom". I know. Its hard to understand. I dont expect sympathy, however if you have the chance to be with you father today, give him an extra hug, from me. If you only get to talk to him, tell him how much he really means to you, if he is your hero, let him know. I know my dad wont be around forever, but it seems like he is already gone.

All holidays are hard for me, not just because of this but because of the demands of my fiance's job. We will have our anniversary on Tuesday and Father's Day is the last holiday of our first year of "terrible" holidays. We are really going to make an effort to make every holiday special to us in our own way from now on. I cant say that I will always be upbeat, but I will try.

***Please note: I am not asking for any sort of sympathy or judgement. I know this may not be how you would handle things, but it is my life and I have sought out opinions of trusted friends and family member(s) throughout my journey in life. This is what is best right now and I am working on righting my wrongs. Only God or my Creator can judge me, please do not comment if this isnt who you are. Also, I am sorry if I offend you

Taste of Omaha

2010-06-12T10:10:00.005-05:00

Well, first week back at school :( its a bummer, but it keeps me occupied and busy and I really DO enjoy learning. Yesterday was the start of Taste of Omaha. I parked the car (Betsy) by the chef's restaurant and walked through the park and took some pictures of stuff. I enjoy taking pictures, it relaxes me. I wish I had thought to bring our bread that we dont eat (the "butts") to feed to the geese. maybe they would have been more photogenic. HA! Anyways, we had gotten my Wii at a rent-to-own place and paid it off so as a promotional thing, we got to "rent" something for free for 30 days. We got a new camera. Its 10 megapixels. Exciting for me, the chef is happy since that leave my old camera unattended. So he can take it to work and take pictures with it instead of his phone.

I took this picture kinda far away and just cropped it. I very nearly got a perfect heart!

This little guy was hiding behind the 2 swans. Too cute!

Ok, thats all for now, I am supposed to be in class right now, but Betsy decided she wanted to act up this morning and get a flat. I might post a picture of what was actually in our tire. Thats what happens when the chef talks about trading her in or selling her in her presence! (last time this happened our brakes went out and cost us a lot more than just $21!)
OH! And I walked around the Taste of Omaha for awhile, a lot of restaurants were there, but I was too hot to eat any hot food in the heat. It was a good time, hopefully the chef will want to go with me some...year...

Summer?

2010-06-07T09:16:00.002-05:00

These last 2 weeks have kinda flown by. I finished up last quarter of school with an A in Baking Basics and Spanish for Culinary Professionals. And a B in Information Systems and Literacy. Yay. I hated Information. It was stupid. I should have tested out. But the test out was 4 HOURS long of my own time. I didnt have that time at the time. lol. So now, I am starting the new quarter tomorrow and I am taking English (for idiots) twice a week for 5 weeks, Pastries for 10 weeks and Human Relations for 10 weeks. Im not sure how I will do in Human Relations. I am not very good with people.. hence why I would rather bake than be a waitress or a teacher...haha. I had a nice little break from school, too short of a break if you ask me. I saw my aunt from TX before school was out for 2 weeks. I saw my step sister, her husband, and their daughter (for the first time) while I was at the La Vista Days Parade. I actually sat with them. I was planning on leaving after an hour or so and stayed for most of the (long) parade. I was sunburned. Now I am peeling! yay! Then I had orientation for my new job at Whole Foods. I think I am really going to like it. If I ever get the hang of being on my feet again. The chef and I went to the Reniassance Festival. It was a lot smaller now they have it at Scary Acres. It was HUGE when I went to it at Iowa Western Community College. We went on the last day so that might've had something to do with it? The chef is back to 6 days, not sure how long but we didn't do much of anything yesterday. We keep saying we are going to go to the Aksarben Farmer's Market, never do. He has complained that I never ask to go take pictures, I did once and he begged off. We were invited to Fun Plex (waterpark) by a tattoo place that we both go to for their 10th annivarsary party and we didnt go to that either. We got his bike and went grocery shopping (not on the bike! it still doesnt have a passenger seat). Now I have all my books and I am (not) ready for school to start again. I am just tired, I guess. Maybe someday I will sleep in...hahahaha

finals! finally!!

2010-05-18T23:31:00.003-05:00

finally, the week of finals. this quarter seems to have just been longer than last. i think its because i have been so unhappy with the job. im so glad that i am getting a new one!!! i *seriously* hate my job. last week, i was scheduled 2 shifts. 1 of which i cannot get home from (without walking a mile uphill and then taking an hour long bus only to pick up the car from the chef's work) and the other shift, i am not available for. sooo sorry y'all cant quite get things together and figure out how to schedule people!!! 2 weeks ago, there was no schedule made. i got a text at midnight asking me to open the next day (6:30am). seriously? wtf?! so that week, the chef and i talked it to death and decided i would go and apply at all the bakeries in the area. BIG pain in the ass. but, worth it. i had 2 interviews in the last 2 weeks and went and filled out the job offer. its only for 1-2 days a week (less than 20 hours). i get paid better. its with a large company (yay!) and i might learn how to bake with the bakers :). i wont be late getting a schedule, my paychecks wont bounce, they will work with my schooling, did i mention i get paid better? hahaha. sorry. very excited about this. this week at my current job, i am working 1 day. i still havent gotten my (bouncy-ball) paycheck and i dont know if it will clear. the whole job is a f-in joke. i understand its a place that has a hard time paying payroll. i also know they have been struggling financially. but the kicker: I KNOW THEY HAVENT BEEN GETTING INVOICES TO COMPANIES THAT WILL PAY THEM ON THE REGULAR! mainly, my chef's. i hear about it. i KNOW. for sure. see, the chef buys the bread from the bakery i work for. the owner, he cant get an invoice to the chef to save his life...ok maybe...but not on the regular. so, no invoice, no money for bread. how hard is it to understand? apparently, very. i was told a bunch of fluff when i took the job. i am very qualified to work there, i have waitressing experience, i am in culinary school, i have worked fast food. i have also done outbound telesales. not hard to sell bread, clean the place, and make sandwiches. not really what i took the job to do though. i was told i would learn to bake. someone else was told that and worked there longer than i and didnt. LAME. so, i am getting out of it. THANK GOD.

anyways, finals are here. i had a presentation (bet you didnt know that did ya chef? you didnt ask) tonight. i did my project on immigrants. i titled my slideshow "Arizona: Anti-immigrant or Anti-Mexican? Why I would learn Spanish for my culinary carreer" yea, it was goood. i might post the paper sometime. its sad what is happening and what is going to happen. that was actually for my information systems and technologies class. for my spanish class, i translated a brioche recipe and then got some general baking terms translated too. the book we use it doesnt have any baking terms in it so i figured i would get some and make a copy for the whole class. im a nice girl like that :)

the chef and i are doing well. a few miscommunication issues but i think we iron things out fairly well. he met my (favorite) aunt yesterday and we both had the chance to hold my baby cousin (he is 4 months). then we looked at a house. we are still going to look at a few other houses we found online but at lease we are looking. hopefully i will be able to spend more time with my aunt again before she goes back to texas.

Busy, busy!

2010-05-03T23:30:00.004-05:00

lately, I have been busy. Just working, not this week tho! and going to school. i have family coming into town it seems like this entire month. and then the chef is going back to 6 days a week again. (lame!) with all the issues at my job, we decided that it would be best if i started applying for a new job. yesterday, my boss decided not to make the schedule, he said for me to text him what hours i was available, which i did in a timely manner, then text him to let me know my schedule. i got a text at 12:04AM, asking if i would open (6:30am is open). personally, i dont think its very nice to text people so late. the chef and i were in bed at 11:30 and i had gotten up to smoke a cigarette. i keep my phone in the living room because as i have gotten older, i dont need or want to have interruptions so much in the middle of the night. it isnt an emergency that my boss doesnt know how to make the schedule and get it out to people in a timely manner. its not an emergency that i text him at 7:03 for him to let me know my schedule and he waits 4 hours because his phone "died". yea, sorry, i dont buy that. so the chef and i decided that i would ignore the text in the middle of the night *oops!* and start to look for a new job. im never going to be able to bake at my current job, im not ever going to get a schedule before the week starts. my life shouldnt and wont revolve around someone with poor business ethics. ohhh and, im always going to wonder when my check is going to magically appear and whether i can cash it or not. thats no way to live! the chef and i decided we had enough! so...i went out and put in 4 physical applications and was told by at least 2 places they flat out werent hiring (and LEAVE) nooo not that mean, but close. and one place the door was locked? weird. and another place, i think i might've found my boss's match! hahahaha. sorry it was hilarious. i then came home and ate, my stomach was growling way too loud and put in 2 more applications online. more to be put in tomorrow!

still not talking to my "friend" i dont know what to do about her. at least she hasnt tried to text or message me since thursday. the silence, its well....golden! it just seems that after a review of our friendship, it might not be worth it. who really needs toxic friends? life is hard enough. why add to it? yes, i did decide to enter into my relationship with my chef. i knew it was going to be hard, but if i cant have friends that are going to be there (even just to hang out), whats the point? there are a lot of red flags with this girl:
1. her thing about how much the chef makes. her comment was "if i knew how much he made i might be like 'hi!'" *batting eyelashes*---kinda makes me think that a) she is a gold digger and b) she might deep down want my man....not gonna happen! ha!
2. she told me she hates my engagement ring---its not about whether she likes it or not, i LOVE it!
3. the comment that she might "ruin" my(our) wedding. regardless of her explanation behind this: a) she is too big and would make me look bad: HELLO!!! do something about it and im not talking about a 2 week "diet" you gave up on because it was "too hard" and b) she would bawl thru the whole thing because she feels like she is losing a friend....why not think of it as you are gaining a friend??? oh wait! red flag #2 ruined that for ya!
4. the incident years ago (like 4) where she told my daughter's father that my ex and i were putting my daughter in the middle of our breakup causing years of strain with my daughter's father and i and CPS to show up at my house (thanks "friend"!)
5. she claimed she was going to get help for her depression, after speaking to a mutual friend, she hasnt gotten the much needed help
6. she said she was upset about the engagement because she was having a bad day and my news didnt help...WHAT? that would make me happy! not bring me down. i guess different people handle good news different ways.....hmmm
7. after i got upset with her for her reasons why she wasnt happy for me, she randomly showed up at my house...with flowers. sat around my house after apologizing to me and i told her i needed time to think about things, she hung around until 1am...btw, she showed up at 11pm. then, she said she would let me think about things on my own and let me come to her. instead, every couple of days, i have gotten a text or message from her. sounds like she is doing what she said!! not

ok, im not a complete bitch. maybe i am wrong about her. i dont know. i need input. i have lots going on with my job and finals are starting here soon too, i dont have a lot of time to exactly sit around and contemplate my friendship with the girl. sorry if that makes me bad. input would be helpful though!!

More to come!!
-Jes

Exciting

2010-04-19T07:50:00.002-05:00

why hello! i cant keep apologizing that i am absent. i am a busy person. especially since i have been working 4 days a week and i go to school 3 days a week...some of these overlap. which leaves me with just one day off...and that happens to be the day off with the chef! yay! tonight, we are having a date. i am pretty excited about this. i am currently at work, but i have a laptop and wi-fi so i am in business! and its pretty slow. i figured it wouldnt hurt to at least say hello and catch y'all up on the business of...well my life! so, ummm...i had my midterm in my baking basics class. i got a 100% on my practical portion of that and i didnt do so hot on my written portion. just means i need to work harder. i had a test in my spanish class last thursday, i got a B on it. i cried because i didnt know some of the words that i needed to. i was upset because i felt like i was going to disappoint chef. i want to do well for myself and i want him to be proud of me. i just kinda broke down for a minute. this week, in spanish, we are going to the mexican grocery store and then a bakery and then go eat at a restaurant. i already know im going to be bringing home some food for the chef. it will be a nice treat for him. SPEAKING of the chef!! he proposed to me on friday night, and i said YES! after a min...lol. i gotta keep him in suspense. it was super cute and he didnt get down on one knee or anything, but i guess he didnt realize i had already put the ring on my finger before i said yes. i love him so much. i am very excited about starting my life with him as his wife. but, for now, i am his fiancee, at least until i finish school. and i am ok with that. i need the time to bring my best friend around or replace her. grrrr. i went off and found her the night he proposed, she wasnt even happy for me. last night, we had a long talk and i feel like nothing was accomplished. it hurts my feelings so much that she cant even be happy for me. i know she has a lot going on in her life, i do too, but she was upset because the day he proposed, SHE was having a bad day. didnt know we needed to make sure she was having a good day before giving her good news. it should have cheered her up. instead, she is being selfish. i am supposed to be on cloud nine right now (it still hasnt hit me yet) but i cant be happy with her trying to constantly bring me down. if she isnt going to be happy for me now, how is she going to be on my wedding day? i know she might just need some time, but she is upset for stupid reasons. however legitament they are to her. she even told me she is mad for stupid reasons. i just feel like i cant put my life on hold just for her. *sigh* i dont know how to carry on with the whole situation.

Easter Fiasco

2010-04-04T22:40:00.002-05:00

omg. terrible easter! but, no tears so far! which is good, this has been my favorite holiday and i have been distracted away from the fact that i dont have my daughter. it started with the chef, he had to only work an hour today. which was early this morning. i got up with him because it seemed like he was refusing to get up. i was up probably for an hour and a half and had to go lay down. i hurt my back (i think i pinched a nerve) and have been trying to take things slow. i thought i was superwoman the other day and switched the mattresses and boxsprings by myself and hurt myself in the process. i didnt miss class on friday but i did miss my spanish class on thursday. my teacher was understanding and i checked my voicemails after class on friday and received a very sweet voicemail from my teacher wishing me well. it helped because i was bawling in class on friday because my teacher is such a dick. i had made lemon merigne pie (i cant spell!) and i didnt bake the top enough to cook the eggs. my bad. he told me he wasnt going to try it (again!) asshole. so, i got upset. he actually cut into it, my lemon was perfect and gave me an 8 out of 10. made me happier.
back to easter! we went out for a nice lunch after i slept until nearly 1:30! i needed the sleep. then we went and got my digital scale for my baking class. we were driving home and saw a car accident. the chef was going to go a different way and forgot to turn, but then we were going to go thru a parking lot and i saw they were letting cars thru, so we turned. i realized it was my best friend's car. she got broadsided on her passenger side. it was at an intersection we use frequently to get from her house to mine and back. i freaked out. the chef, of course, didnt believe it was her car but she was standing on the corner with her family. he couldnt park the car fast enough. she is ok. she is shaken up. they gave her a ticket for "failure to yeild". assholes. there was a lot of drama going on because she called her mom and asked her to come and the entire family HAD to show up. give me a fucking break. her uncle nearly got arrested and my best friend just really needed a calm voice and a hug. it looks like her frame is bent and her front axel is broken on the passenger side. this isnt what she needs right now, but i guess i just need to be there for her. the couple that hit her, they are and 80-something couple in their sunday best. the woman's airbag deployed and she got a bloody nose and a swollen face. she got some blood on her jacket but said "if this jacket is the only casualty today, im ok with that" i guess it was something to keep my mind away from all the other crap. anyways, off to watch a comedy with the chef! i love watching movies with him lately!

I know nothing....

2010-03-27T22:50:00.002-05:00

my last post was about my aunt. i still know nothing. it drives me nuts. i dont know if the number i have for her is correct or not. i cannot call. i spoke with her ex-husband earlier today. her oldest daughter (my 18 year old cousin) is coming here for sure starting memorial day weekend. im pretty excited about it....then i look at the calendar. i was supposed to be in chicago with my chef when she is in town. i guess god doesnt want me to go to chicago. not only that, but the chef had said that we would try for the trip on my next break...which falls over memorial day weekend. why am i dreading that stupid holiday more than i am dreading easter? because its the start of the summer? because it will be less than a month until our anniversary and the chef will be out of town (again?). he thinks he can just cancel the trip. the trip is to the indy 500. he planned it before we started dating. the guy he is going with, its his regional (?) chef. he asks him about once a week to make sure that chef b is going. this chef already has his ticket! he cant just cancel because my cousin is going to be in town. or because its the renn faire that weekend. or that we keep putting off this trip to chicago....chef, if you are reading this, i got that sweater for doing good in my classes, remember? i dont want to go to chicago anymore. everytime i think about it, it makes me depressed. i just wanted to try a dessert. thats all. i guess the biggest part that gets me is this: when we plan our honeymoon (which im pretty sure will happen), will it get pushed aside because of work? because of other plans? i dont know the answers to these questions.. maybe someone does...

Life is short...

2010-03-26T11:08:00.003-05:00

life is short. life is too short for fighting. its too short to live on "what ifs.."

a few weeks ago, i was getting facebook messages from my aunt regarding a biopsy she had. the message said that they found no cancer but were sending it in for a second opinion. i never heard another word about it. today, i got a message from her via facebook chat. she said she was doing good considering everything that is going on. i asked her what she meant. she has cancer. breast cancer. i was unable to ask her the prognosis or anything like that but she will be emailing me updates. even though she lives 30-45 mins away, it has been awhile since i last saw her. about a year, i think. im not on very good terms with my family, to say the least. its hard for people to understand and accept that people change. i think that its even harder for my family to do that. i havent spoken with my dad in 2 years. my mom, probably the same amount of time, if not more. they have said mean things to me and i cant just continue to put myself in the situation where i am going to be degraded everytime i talk to them. i will just spend my time bettering myself (ie school, working, etc). i know i am not perfect, but i dont need everyone in my life pointing out all my defects, big or small. i tear myself down enough on a daily basis (im working on that too). the last time i saw my aunt, her husband, my uncle, had just gotten out of surgery. he had cancer removed from his body. so yea, this is hard. its not fair to put my aunt through all of this. i know that god doesnt give us more than we can handle, but COME ON! really? and her kids, 2 of them at least, live in hawaii and never come to nebraska. yes, her daughter is coming here in june for 10 days, but what if something happens? not a very fair way to get to know your mother. i didnt ask the other hard questions. i know its breast cancer. i dont want to know if its heritary or not. i dont give a fuck. my grandma, she is a breast cancer survivor. she had the heritary kind. im at risk. chef b, hes aware of it. i watched the bucket list when it came out in theaters, i bawled. it made me not want to have anymore children because "what if". fuck that. it will make them stronger, and me too. i just worry a lot. and im sorry its depressing. i cant help but cry because i feel so helpless.

on another note, i had my first test in my spanish for foodservice professionals class last night, i got a 98%. now, it just feels like nothing with everything else.

Lo siento.

2010-03-15T22:44:00.002-05:00

i am sorry, that is my translation for today. i havent been around, i know my boyfriend has reminded me i havent posted in awhile. things have been crazy-busy around here. first off, the quarter ended, then the chef was moving in (and still is). then, there was the fact that i had a horrible cold and still occassionally have a cough. so i was missing work. then, we got new furniture, and new stuff for the apartment. our apartment is a wreck, simply because we havent had time or energy to put into it.
school started last week, omg! every new quarter i get super nervous. i dont know why, i just do. i worry about everything, "will i know anyone?", "what am i doing in school?! i cant do this!", "what if my teacher is a prick?!", "i cant do this!". yes, i have a lot of voices in my head saying negative things to me and about myself. i need to quiet them down. i have already had 2 of my classes and a TON of homework for both of them. i start another class tomorrow night and it should be a breeze. I HOPE. i realized today that i will have ONE day off this week. so, pretty busy on that front.
we also joined a gym! i am excited about this! i dont want to be out of shape and i have trouble areas i really want to work on. i am starting slow, we only went once and i power walked almost a mile. i was doing good! today though, the chef was sick and i lazed my day after work happy that i completely my spanish homework.
SPANISH! that brings me to another thing! omg! i was really irked by the whole thing. i was at work doing my spanish (for culinary/foodservice professionals) and a customer walked in. she was an older lady and she got her bread and somehow it came up i was doing my spanish homework. i told her what i was going to school for and she said "why do you need to know spanish? its not like the recipes are in spanish!" i held down my urge to smack her. i smiled sweetly and informed her that most people who work in the kitchens nowadays, are mexican or speak spanish. the look on her face was, well, PRICELESS! she looked appalled that mexicans cook her food. i ALMOST told her that a mexican made the bread she loves so much. i hate how closedminded people are. so lady, no! the recipes arent in spanish, a lot of the ones i might want to use are in french originally, however, thanks to julia child and countless others, i dont need to learn french in order to bake. stupid people make me mad, and dont even get me started on the stupid behaviors of my boss or others....

does your chef employ mexicans or people who speak spanish? mine does, they are hard workers and cause little problems! we also have mexican bakers at my work. my last job, we ONLY had mexicans working in the kitchen. works for me!
hasta luego!
-Jes

ugh, im dying...not really

2010-02-28T06:14:00.003-06:00

i need to stop this! i am on break from school and i cant even bring myself to blog! wtf! my chef was suprised i hadnt blogged sooner. its cause i have been sick! it started with a sore throat the day before my last final. my cooking final. i thought it was nothing and maybe i had inhaled too much helium from the valentine's baloon my best friend gave me, but NO. i finished my final, ate my 1/2 of my final, and waiting with bated breath, and a sore throat. for my teacher to call my name, more like holler "Melissa" which isnt even my name. after what? 12 weeks? he couldnt remember my name. just call me "omelet girl" and im comin' a runnin'! lol. for my final, i made sauteed chicken breast, lemon caper aioli, mashed potatoes, and julienned carrots. i went into class with the sore throat feeling nervous as all hell. the night before, the chef and i had made it, without some of the ingredients but he said my face lit up so many times. so he pretty much gave us a little speil, and we all split up. the bitches in one kitchen and the cool kids in another (guess where i was! and if you said bitches, you are wrong!) i gathered all my ingredients except the chicken. i felt calm, my heart racing. i had a shitty whisk. my arm was tired. the teacher came by, says "you know, there is another whisk in the other kitchen" i felt like dying. i shoulda just brought my whisk from home! damn. (my whisk from home is a little cheapy cause we had to buy it just to practice my final! ha!) i felt like i was on chopped, and i was going to get the axe. i mean, what if i didnt pass? my mind was racing, but my hands were calm. i kept repeating what my chefboyfriend was saying the night before. i am so glad that about 20 mins into it, i checked my phone only to see a sweet text from him. i was a lot calmer after that. i had forgotten to check what the cooked temp of a chicken was so i had to ask another student (thanks brandon!). i had discussed presentation with my chef the night before but my hands were shaking. there was not just my teacher at the table, but our TA, and another teacher. OMG! i dropped off my plate. it looked awesome (and yes, i tasted my mashed potatoes and my aioli before dropping it off). the only think i wasnt 100% sure about was my carrots. i didnt practice those. i was given a sheet and told to go eat my plate across the hall. my food, it was GOOD! on the sheet, there was a question that asked "what grade do you think you deserve?" i had put a 90%. its a low A but, i didnt do as well on the carrots as i should/could have. the teacher *finally* called my name and critiqued my food (again, i felt like i was on chopped) just with one judge. you know, i know that we are our own worst critic. i had wanted to put maybe an 80%. but i was feeling ballsy. my teacher said that i was going to get a low A/high B on the final. he said that i could have done a better job on the carrots, they werent hot enough but he attributed that to the cut we had to do. he said my chicken, it wasnt seasoned properly, however, it was cooked perfectly. *thanks again brandon!* 2 days later, and a worse sore throat and aches and pains, i checked my grades, I GOT AN A! i was elated, but sick. now, almost a week later and 3 and a half days on the couch, i am starting to feel better. by starting, i mean: i am coughing up a lot of junk and its still hard to breathe, but i dont sound so much like a 70 year old smoker, more like a 40 year old one. i had to wait until very early friday morning to get my other grade, my math grade, which i wasnt too worried about, but it too, was an A! wth! i wasnt a good student by any means in high school and when i started college, i let the voices of my parents ring in my ears. they were telling me i wasnt a good student. that i barely passed high school. i didnt think i was going to make it. i had worse of encouragement in my ears on the day of my last final this quarter though. they were the words of someone who loves me, someone who has faith in me. i dont think he will ever doubt me, my chef that is. it wasnt easy to ask for his help, especially after him thinking i was just going to cut my finger off when practicing for my midterm. HA! the only cut i acquired that whole class was from a grater, and that was on a carrot! (a minute later, we were told to cut the carrots, not grate them). i am blessed to have people in my life that have faith in me, my chef, my sponsor and my best friend. i am getting to know my chef's family online (distance is a problem) and they offer words of encouragement too. i just want to start feeling better so i can get my kiss i have been wanting since i found out i have an A! it will be worth wait.
-Jes

I have been away!!

2010-02-15T23:56:00.002-06:00

Ugh, this week was another from hell. All-in-all, I will be ok, and the chef will heal. For starters, last week started off normal. I worked my allotted 5 hour shift opening. I was going to the basement to get stuff to restock the fridge, and fell up the stairs. I had already had a bump on my arm that was causing problems, a tendon isnt right. I caught myself with my already injured arm. I called the chef bawling. We had a few errands to run after I got off work and he was trying to convince me that it is "ok" to go to the ER. He had been persistant in trying to persuade me in this for almost a week. I am stubborn, I dont like the hospital and I did NOT want to go. We wound up going at 7pm, about 12 hours from the phone call from me bawling. He won. Not saying that he really won anything, but...you get the idea. They told me I have de quervan's tendonitis. Whatever that is. They had to put me in a splint for a week. It was heavy, it was painful and whats more, I couldnt cook in class last week and I missed work because its not very sanitary to give bread or serve food or cook it for that matter with this thing that had to be covering my (immobile) thumb and part of my hand. It made it very hard to type, text, and drive. I havent worked in a week now. I have been going crazy in my apartment for a week. I took the stupid thing off today, and guess what?! THE BUMP IS STILL THERE! and I have a new symptom: stiffness. I was told to see a specialist, guess what? I have no insurance and no money. Kinda sucks when you arent working! GAH! However, the chef was very helpful and sweet, he has been making sure I am ok. He called probably 3 times last Tuesday to make sure I was ok after class. Sometimes, and I truly am starting to believe this, God has been testing the Chef and I. I dont think my birthday, my losing my job, christmas, car trouble, money trouble, school issues, etc were enough. God has to really, REALLY test our relationship and devotion to each other. Then, there was Valentine's Day. That was fun, NOT. While on facebook, I could just see everyone had a good day, a friend of mine is now engaged, my cousin got his wife diamond earrings, another friend of mine got a saphirre necklace. ok, I get it. I, on the other hand, got ditched by my best friend. But I sat around and watched Bride Wars and slept. I got to wake up next to my chef. He also made the effort to make it home by midnight and got me a stuffed dog, its name is Sweetpea according to it's tag. Its just a little hard to come to terms with the fact that some holidays, I will be alone. I thought I had a good support in my best friend (of 12 years) who would be there for me and hang out with me, but I guess not. I have hobbys, but it was kinda hard to do them with a splint going halfway up my arm. I am grateful that I got to spend the day with my chef today, it was quiet. We went to the mall and exchanged my shoes. We had lunch and dinner together. It was nice. I know he is hurting really badly from working all weekend and only having today off. He could have just slept all day and blew me off, but he realizes how much our time together means to me. When my boss tells me that I wont be working until Thursday at the earliest, he just tells me its ok, that I really need to heal. I know it breaks his heart when I cry, whether I am hurting physically or emotionally, but when he can be, he wipes my tears and holds me. Just like the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. When he did that, I knew I would fall in love with him. I was already starting to. Sometimes, I just need to remember the little daily things that he does to show me he loves me. Sometimes, I might sound like I am just ranting, but I really do learn from blogging. The chef doesnt need a holiday to show me he cares, he does that daily. And for that, I love him.

-Jes

procastination...

2010-02-05T09:13:00.000-06:00

The other day, I think I mentioned having a bad case of the fuck-its. I did. Big time, for a couple of days. Now I am just plain bitchy and tired. Whoever came up with the idea of me working at 6:30am across town can suck it. On top of that, its snowing and won't stop. Sure, its gorgeous, but my poor cadillac can only do so much. Especially when the driver just wants to go back home and crawl into bed. Ha! Like I could really do that! So, here at work I sit, blogging on my blackberry watching it snow while I have my Business Math books in front of me. I am procrastinating. I am tired. Every 4 mins, I yawn and my eyes water. Pretty fun...NOT! These bitchy people come into the bakery, or drive up. Omg! This one was so pissy with me! I was trying to give her her change and she wasn't just rude, she snarled at me "just give me my bread". I mean, wow people! Its snoowing, its not that cold and I hope that lady steps in a sludge puddle and has a wet foot all day. Yep, I wish the crazy and annoying things on people. I don't like to wish accidents on people because of karma and all that but I like to dream of silly things to happen to people. Weird, I know. When my last boss fired me, I almost keyed his car. Not because he fired me, that's nothing. Just the cruel things he said to me to make me cry. Instead, the chef stopped going to that restaurant, as did his cooks out of loyalty to me. It might seem a little harsh considering my former boss made the comment that "dating this chef might be bad for business because now he drinks less and you are a recovering alcoholic" dude, really? Bite it. If you weren't such a dick the staff of his restaurant would go there, but they love me so they don't support your stupid ass. That is payback enough for me. I'm really getting good at this procrastinatng thing, but I should do the homework since I have class tomorrow!

Aquafresh!

2010-02-04T22:18:00.003-06:00

I had to get new toothpaste a couple months ago, its normal. What isn't normal, is my chef likes to "caveman" my toothpaste tube. (In other words, he just squeezes it, the entire tube, even if I push it to the opening.) So, when I went to buy new toothpaste, I bought a different kind of bottle. He didn't say anything. But! Aquafresh came out with their Iso-Active line recently which is in an aresol can kinda thing. Another thing the chef couldn't crush with his man-hands. (Note: I never scolded him on this, just adjusted, he never knew until this morning.) He tried the Aquafresh this morning, and LOVED it! It might be out new toothpaste! I checked out their website, there is a coupon at the bottom of the page, for $1 off. Check it out!

(Please note, this is just my own review with the chef and we aren't paid for it, even though a friend gave me the product because she didn't like it, doesn't mean we won't buy it ourselves since we have tried it and like it)

winter weather advisory

2010-02-04T21:13:00.000-06:00

i mean...COME ON!!! reallly? again? wasnt the 8 ft of snow and ice and shit that we got this winter enough?? it was raining this morning when i rode with the chef to work and drove my happy...hurting ass home. not my ass hurting, but my arm/wrist/hand. i dont know what the hell is wrong but it isnt pretty. last night, the chef was supposed to help me with laundry because of my arm pain. i started by throwing clothes into the hallway of my little apartment and he layed on the couch. i attempted for probably 3 mins to put the clothes in the laundry bag while the chef played with his blackberry...i got the detergent and stuck it in the laundry bag. chef still on the couch. i get the quarters for the washing machine. (they are on the end table right next to the couch/chef's head. i heft the bag on my shoulder with my good arm and go and start laundry. i come back upstairs, hes on the phone with his sous chef. OMFG! REALLY?! it hurt my feelings that he didnt make any effort whatsoever to help me when my f-in arm is hurting. i switched the laundry, thanks chef for just watchin me do it! and was messing around on the computer, he started snoring. i dont think i am being completely fair. tuesday nights he gets maybe 2 to 6 hours of sleep usually around 3-4. i know he is exhausted and he gets tired but he made no move whatsoever to attempt to help. i was up since 530am yesterday and didnt get to sleep until 130-145ish. i had to wait for the laundry and my arm was hurting and i didnt really want to sleep with it hurting. anyways, he was snoring on the couch looking cute and adorable to me. i woke him by kissing his cheek and tellin him to take off his pants and go to bed. he gets into the bedroom takes off his pants and is standing by the bed, very groggily he says "can i go pee? right there?" and points at the floor. (he doesnt remember this part but remembers an angel waking him to go to bed). i tell him no and steer him to the bathroom, he proceeds to pee with the door open and the light off. thankfully my broken toilet seat didnt decide to rebel and slam down and i had the hall light on. i have a feeling it might've ended VERY badly. today, he has called me a couple of times to make sure i am ok. he told me i need to go to the ER after work. the thing is, i hate the hospital. i especially hate going by myself. i went probably 5 months ago by myself and it was terrible. i had to have my lady parts looked at. i had to hitch a ride in the middle of the night because i was hurting and i thought something was wrong with my IUD. i had to take a cab home. it was terrible. usually my bestie can take me. she couldnt that night. the chef was at work, i was in serious pain. so i did what i had to. im not going to do it agian.

in other news, i watch Grey's Anatomy. i am a recent recruit for this show, i started watching it maybe 3 years ago when i found out my daughter watched it with my step mom on sundays. then i had an entire line-up on thursdays (im a recovering alcoholic, i have no life). i would start with ugly betty, which is now in its last season! i am soo bummed. then watch grey's anatomy and ER. now ER is off the air and ugly betty isnt on thursdays anymore. and being cancelled. i am pissed. back to grey's...i love that show. i think that Justin Chambers is fucking hot with his bad boy self. LOVE HIM! and of course, Eric Dane. i was a late comer to the show and wasnt around for the battle between mcdreamy and mcsteamy but i secretly root for mcsteamy, but he has been acting damn childish this season. i cry nearly every episode lately. i wanted little grey and mcsteamy to be together. i understand why she couldnt handle the grandparent thing. if i was in the same situation, i might have reacted the same way, i am only 25 and that is damn young to be a grandparent. but, i am not. my daughter is 6. i do cry and yell at the tv. i think that is why i had to stop seeing movies in the theater, last one i saw was bruno. that is NOT for the weak of stomach. my former boss paid for it so i didnt actually pay to see it. and i did laugh at the people who walked out. i have a sick sense of humor and everytime i bring it up, my bestie reminds me i "owe" her for that one :) i should let my wrist rest though, wish me luck on driving tomorrow! ha! the chef stepped outside to call me and bout wound up on his ass, if thats any indication of how it is outside and i havent heard one damn plow, just lots of sirens (not a good sign)
-Jes

amends...

2010-02-03T21:12:00.000-06:00

ok. i still dont know why he didnt call. but i do know that i shouldnt have posted what i did earlier. i love him. he is definately a great man. btw, its a miracle i can type at all. i have this weird bump on my arm and it hurts like hell to move my wrist/thumb, and some of my fingers. which sucks cause i just got done having some sort of weird stomach flu.. anyways, its hard to lift anything so the chef has to carry the laundry downstairs for me and open sodas...he took me to Petrows. i have been there once before with my bestie but i ordered something that sounded really good. it was supposed to be this pot roast thing with gravy. it was roast beef sliced and super dry. i was hoping for a baked potato but they ran out. our server, he was...well...too nice. like kiss-ass nice. i am fond of people being nice just not kissing ass. so what if my man is sporting his work attire, that doesnt change the fact that he is a person. (i was sporting my awesome t-shirt the chef got me on monday) its a cheeseburger skull with crossbones. ok...it wont let me steal the pic and i havent taken a pic but its there, i got mine in grey...i dont know what they call it but its grey. anyways, after a terrible dinner and weird service the man took me to wal-greens to get me a wrist thing to sleep with and some icy-hot rolls. i am trying them out for the first time. i never was a fan of this kind of stuff. i am a fan of the thermacare heat wraps but! they dont make them for the spot i need them in. so, all in all, even though the last couple of days have been hard, my chef has been taking care of me. i know i shouldnt be so angry and all that but i need to let off some steam every once in awhile. i mean, i was born female! anyways, baby, if you are reading this, think of the blue october song i was singing to you in the car, and "i cant believe you picked meeee!" im sorry. i love you!

GRRRRRRRRRRRR i know

2010-02-03T18:11:00.000-06:00

ok. sooooo!!! i am a little peeved. i dont know if i am hormonal or what, but i have been bitchy and possibly taking things the wrong way and probably not handling shit very well. first off, CHEF you hurt my feelings. i am not taking anymore of your promises. you can just shove them up the ass of your short-shit gm! (honey, i hope you dont read this at work and leave it up). that would be a very big no-no! i cant honestly blame everything on his GM, but right now, it sounds good. DO NOT promise to call me and then dont. unless you are dead or seriously injured, do what you promise. or at least TEXT to say you arent going to do it. GRRRRRRR!!! ok. the butt head is off. i DO love him, he just drives me up the fucking wall. we will get to that later.

lazy tuesday...

2010-02-02T18:48:00.000-06:00

ok. i wasnt feeling well yesterday. i dont know if its a combination of my birth control, the cheese the chef had me eat on sunday or what, but my stomach was feeling a bit nasty. or it could be that i havent been getting enough sleep. either way, i was supposed to go to class today and didnt. the chef lovingly suggested i stay at home and get some rest. i did. i have some crazy ass dreams sometimes! todays dream was: the chef and i were going to bake something and i had my hand mixer out and i was mixing it and talkin to him and when i looked down, it wasnt something to bake, it was taffy. i dont know how to make taffy at all or anything like that, but im pretty sure the ingredients we put in the bowl werent supposed to make taffy. and it was white one minute and then bright colors. i have socks the colors that this taffy was. weird. but then i wanted to flavor it because it didnt taste like anything. so i kept asking the chef and i was following him around and he would never give an answer. i think that was more significant than the whole taffy thing. the fact that i couldnt get something out of my chef as simple as how to flavor the taffy. like i said, i have weird dreams.

so, i woke up from that nap feeling rested, but with a headache and my neck hurting. i knew i should head down to the restaurant to bring my chef his bag but i was feeling seriously lazy. like, i had a major case of the fuck-its today. i mean, its almost 7pm and i still havent showered. when i left the house the two times, i put on a bra, put on jeans, socks, shoes, a sweatshirt, and a beanie. i have a bad case of the fuck-its. but, i figure its better to miss one day of school than try and tough it out still feeling a bit like shit, and then have to miss work tomorrow. for some reason, i think school is a bit more understanding than work on this one. especially since i work for a very small company and i have seen how they react to other people's illnesses.

another thing, my chef is reading my blog now. im not sure how i feel about this at all. i kinda use my blog to say how i really feel. i havent been posting much, but i dunno. maybe im being crazy because if i cant let him read how i really feel about certain things, then how would he ever really know the real me? i use this blog to vent about work, him, his job, school...everything...sometimes its cause i cant vent to him. he hears most of everything anyways.

and! now that he is reading it, haha, i can remind him of things. i stupidly asked him to celebrate valentine's day a week early since it falls on the one day we have together. stupid me. i didnt realize it falls on super bowl sunday. i dont pay attention to these things. now i feel super guilty about it. he usually watches the super bowl whether his team is playing or not. and i doubt he has anything planned. i know we havent had any money lately. it sucks. now im going to start crying. even though my week hasnt been going good and i feel bad about sunday. i dont think he even wants to celebrate it with me, he keeps forgetting. he told me today that he was going to laze away at least half of his next day off, which happens to be sunday....stupid me. im just going to stop reminding him. i also havent got a clue what to get for someone who has never gotten anything for valentines day....gah

-Jes the idiot

Lemons!

2010-01-31T20:51:00.000-06:00

ok...so, i logged on today to check out some stuff, i was feeling a bit blue today, so i needed to get a pick-me-up from my other DCW blogs i read. i found out that i was nominated by Go Erin Go! for the "When life hands you lemons" blogging award! Thank you Erin! I am really honored!

so, the rules are pretty simple:

1. thank the giver of the award (done) and link to their blog (done)

2. share 5 things about myself

3. link 5 new recipients of the award and notify them

so here is my 5 things about me:

1. when i was in labor with my daughter (and had contractions about 3 mins apart), i drove myself to work, tried to work and then drove myself to the hospital. crazy, right? i was in false labor 2 days prior so i didnt think it was anything! ha!

2. my favorite disney movie is The Little Mermaid. i used to have it on vhs but i think i left it at my dad's when i moved out. i got a dvd copy for my 25th birthday, i was very excited!

3. speaking of vhs, i still own a (working) VCR, although, i dont think i have anymore vhs tapes, it just collects dust

4. i dont know my natural hair color year round, when i was younger (like 4 or 5) my hair was white blonde and whispy, then in my teen years (13 to 14) i had dirty blonde in the winter and strawberry blonde in the summer. i started dying my hair after that. i have been doing it for years so i *think* its dirty blonde. not for sure on that though!

5. i have a memory almost like a goldfish. i can never remember names at all! when my chef got my number, he was wearing his chef's jacket with his name on it, thats how i remembered it! (i dont think he knows this but he didnt remember my name either!)

my 5 recipients of this award are:

again, thanks Erin, its an honor!

I LOVE shopping!

2010-01-26T21:13:00.000-06:00

did i ever mention i LOVE shopping? probably not. because i used to totally hate it. i hated going to stores, trying things on, going back and having to get different sizes myself, trying THOSE on, trying to tell myself that i DO look good. ALL BY MYSELF. I absolutely hated shopping. last july, my chef and i had been dating for only about a month, maybe it was august but we werent together that long, he told me one day that he wanted to take me shopping on the next sunday. i FREAKED! i didnt know him very well, we werent dating that long, i had no money, and i hated shopping! we spent the entire day looking at clothes, me taking pics on my cell phone and pic messaging them to him (and my best friends) and getting opinions that way. it was horrible. he bought me $150 worth of clothes that day. i know, whats the problem. the problem is, i have self-esteem issues. i have had 3 step sisters who hated me and never went shopping with me when i was a teenager and they all called me fat (behind my back AND to my face). i have a chest that is too large and i just feel like clothes dont fit right. usually shopping never made me feel any better unless i was buying a purse or shoes. this has all changed for me. last week, i was doing laundry and my washer "ate" a couple holes in one of the shirts my chef originally bought for me. i was really upset because its one of my favorite ones and i wear it to work. he just looks at me and says "its ok, we will go shopping on sunday" my heart races, and not from excitement, from terror. i have this issue about being taken care of, i dont like it. but the chef, well, he LOVES buying me things. he said "this time it will be better because we have been together longer, it wont be so ackward" ok. i gave in. this time, a little heart racing and by the time we were at the store and had picked out a few things, i was in the dressing room (i really hate them). i had almost everything too small. i have to yell for him to come and explain that i need to try on a specific shirt in a larger size. it gets handed to me. this is getting nice! i also had a pair of jeans to try on for him. he picked them out and they were on clearance. mind you, we arent at a dillards or anything. we are at Vanity. its a girly store. really girly. he stands out. hes wearing a harley t-shirt and jeans. all of the people who worked there, were super nice. we left there with the chef leaving $100 for the clothes he bought, but i didnt feel the dread i did before. i got some really hot stuff. we then went to old navy. i love that store. they have a lot of good staples. (i think some of their other stuff....well, i could do without). he tells me i have to buy this time. i hate doing that too. i have another thing, i feel like i dont quite deserve clothes. i dont buy them unless absolutely neccessary, if then. i got some awesome pants that i can wear to work. the chef has been trying to get me over my phobia of black. its quite funny now that i think about it. i always think that i look like a goth chick when i wear black. he thinks im fucking crazy. im trying, hes being patient. i love him for that. i never thought that this 6'4 man would ever do this with me. we spent a good portion of our sunday together shopping for clothes, for me. how many men would do that? how many men would actually tell you afterwards "we need to get you more clothes like that because they flatter your figure". how many guys actually think that way? i have dated many men, most of which, dont care about that as long as you are showing some leg or cleavage, or both. i know i found a rarity in my man, i love that we can do that. it probably doesnt hurt that we go to a nice restaurant later that day and im rockin my new jeans, a nice top, and hot heels...i also was showing some cleavage, but he focuses on my FACE. not whats below it.

one of these days, i WILL learn how to use proper capitalization and change paragraphs, until then, deal.

-Jes(DCW)

mid-terms

2010-01-20T12:28:00.000-06:00

I had a midterm yesterday in my culinary foundations class. I had practiced for this one. Only for the juilliene and batonet part. I cut up around an entire pound of carrots to do this. But he walked around to everyone and fingered my onions, complained my juilliened onions were uneven, I blame it on the fact that when I cut the onion in half it was crooked. He said "you get the idea" pawed thru my veggies a bit more said "good" and walked away. I think I passed? I have no idea. Its always hard to tell with this chef.
I had a dream last night that I saw my best friend that I met in middle school. I haven't seen here since a little bit after her wedding. She stopped wanting to hang out with me after awhile. I don't know if she figured out that I am an alcoholic before I did and that ruined years of friendship, but it hurt bad to know that I lost a friend. It still hurts. I miss her sometimes. Anyways. My dream. There was a guy who had taken her ring and was trying to propose to me with it. I was pregnant at the time and very flattered (I am NOT pregnant in real life, this is a dream). So he was proposing to me with my former best friend's engagement ring. I told him no because I love my chef. I then tried to get into a movie and couldn't and then saw my chef. He proposed to me and I said yes. I was pregnant with his child in my dream. I also had told the guy that I love my chef and he has my heart. That much is true. We have been talking about marriage quite a bit. He told me we need to get married in a church since I won't elope. I sat looking at him like he had lost his fucking marbles. I told him he obviously doesn't know me. He just assumed that I didn't want to elope I wanted a church wedding. I don't know what I want honestly. I just want to wear a dress and my hot purple heels. I don't know beyond that. Maybe once I get a ring it will become more clear to me. Oh! I can't wait for valentine's day. We are celebarating the sunday before because, well, obvious reasons. I told him I would rather celebrate earlier than after the fact otherwise I wouldn't feel as good on the day about the whole situation. Good luck trying to make heads or tails of my posts...

days off..oh yea!

2010-01-18T23:36:00.000-06:00

I love days off! Especially when I can spend them completely with my chef. Yesterday, we ran errands. A couple months ago, I introduced him to Runza. From what I understand, these are a Nebraska only thing. They have crinkle cut fries and I love their burgers. My chef, he eats Runzas. These are hard to explain but they are good. We did a lot of running around. We like to go to Flying Worm which is a vintage store. They have a great selection of dresses and even have little onsies that are tie-dyed for when we decide to have kids. I get called a hippy baker a lot even though I have only made cookies at christmas (from scratch) and a cake for my best friend's birthday (partially from a box). I guess a lot of it has to do with the way I dress sometimes and my newest tattoo. Oh well! Its better than nothing! So, anyways, we didn't buy anthing at Flying Worm yesterday but looked around a lot. It was crazy busy and I am not a huge fan of crowds. So then we went to Nebraska Furniture Mart. This is a little bit when things went south. My chef and I have terrible credit. We don't have patience to wait for things so saving up for something is hard for us. We (mostly he) have been wanting a new flat screen tv. I have a large tv that is ancient but it was free and kinda think that a) we don't need another bill and b) the other tv works just fine, why replace it? He doesn't listen very well at all. His sous chef met up with us and had his NFM card in hand ready to use (we just pay the bill). We got a 42 inch LCD HDTV. WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER! Its crazy how much trust he has in me. I have been sober for over 3 years but sometimes I am still amazed and baffled. I think I just need to get used to it all. We spent (by we I mean I) 2 hours cleaning my disaster I call my living room, we had furniture to move and vacuum under, the works. All for this TV. We get done and he lays down to watch Iron Chef and ignore me. I mean, WTF! At least we had today off together. We went to a used bookstore and each got a book and then bought some records. We ate lunch at Hooters, my first time ever, it wasn't too bad. I just have a hard time with the sleaziness of the place. Then we hit up a couple more vintage shops and even an antique store. We found a lovely record player that we will be getting soon and some gas stoves that are to die for! I hope to dream of these stoves! School tomorrow and a long day for my chef. At least we had these past 2 days to start off our week.

Busy Sundays...

2010-01-10T23:25:00.000-06:00

I have a mid-term coming up in a week from Tuesday. I feel like I am not completely ready for it. It is for my Culinary Foundations class. This class is a general cooking class, I will be using these skills (supposedly) for the rest of my culinary carreer. I think I will be purchasing a mandolin soon! I understand I need a lot of practice. I get frusterated and I can't seem to get past the part where I totally suck at this! My chef has been very patient with me, he took me to the store and we bought onions and potatos. Its very hard to go into the kitchen with him and have him teach me. I wound up breaking down and crying my eyes out. I can't believe that I am dating a chef and I could suck so bad. Oh well. I guess practice makes perfect. And I have a feeling I have a lot of practice in my future, and a lot of crying. And I am not talking about the onions.
There was something that happened yesterday that really made my day too! I received my check from my student loans. This has taken a huge weight off my shoulders and my chef's. We have been completely stressed about money and how we are going to pay bills. We have been "robbing Peter to pay Paul" for months now. Its pretty crazy since, he is an executive chef! We shouldn't be having money problems like this! But, he wanted me to have a great Christmas. He has been paying 2 households of bills. It has been frusterating for me. I want to be able to pay my own bills but I do know that school needs to be my concentration. My boyfriend doesn't care how much I make, just as long as I can pay some of the bills. The check couldn't have come at a better time. We have been trying to figure out how we were going to pay for my rent AND the Harley payment AND our car insurance AND my storage unit. Not only that, I have been getting notices from the cable company. I got a money order for my rent, put money on my prepaid visa for the insurance and my storage unit. We stopped and made most of the payment on the cable bill. It was hard to get the money and give most of it away. I feel better that we don't have to stress about bills but I feel sad too because I wanted to spend the money without worries. I can't do that. If I did that, I might as well go out and have a drink.
Something that reminded me of that is at my Oxford House meeting, someone was talking about a guy in one of the houses, he got $10,000 and didn't pay his back rent owed to his house. I was told that he is getting kicked out of his house. He chose to buy a new car instead of paying his rent. I guess it goes to show you that you need to live right and do the next best thing in everything you do. People are more understanding of people who make a larger effort to do what is right, you also earn more respect. My check was a 10th of what he got. I still made an effort, I would LOVE to get a laptop. But, if i didnt have a roof over my head or internet to use it with, whats the point? I thank God for those little reminders. I am doing what is right today and that is all I can do. I thought after today I was going to be done with Oxford House. I realized after hearing the story of the man who is getting kicked out, I need them as much as they need me, I just dont need to live in an Oxford House to reap the rewards.

A New Trend

2010-01-08T01:06:00.000-06:00

so, i have been noticing a new trend lately, and im not talking about a good one either! if you have been keeping up with my blog, you should know i read Michael Rulhman's The Making of a Chef last quarter for a book report in school i did. if you have read the book you know what i am talking about when i discuss this. if you havent read it, i recommend it! its a great book and he is a great author. so, there is a part when michael is supposed to show up for a test and the chef that was giving the test was talking about values and how cooks just show up. so, here i am, going to school for culinary arts, it doesnt matter what my major is, but i apply the same value to my job. i always have. it doesnt matter whether i am working fast food or retail. i always try to show up. currently, i work at a bakery and i just work at the retail location and dont bake bread but i make sandwiches and serve soup and do dishes, i am a one man show. the owner pops in occassionally and helps out but i am pretty much on my own. so, yesterday, it was snowing, again, and it was a snowstorm. i opened the bakery and was there by myself until about 10:30 when the owner showed up. he was there for maybe 30 mins and left. my replacement, also a culinary student at the same school, was supposed to be there at 2 to relieve me so i could walk home. i live a little over 1/2 a mile from my job and dont always have a car so i walk frequently. i know that the snow was starting to blow around and it was getting pretty slick outside so i gave her about 30 mins to get there before i started to worry and call her. which she has an out of state number so i have to use my cell phone and my minutes to do this. no answer. i dont understand how someone in the same field doing the same job as me can just not show up or call. i called her again later. i also was calling the managers and texting them. i didnt get a response from the owner right away and called my chef to see what he said. he calmed me down because i was worried about walking home after it was dark. lately we have been having really cold temps here so i dont want to walk in a snowstorm. with our money problems, i havent had extra money to take a cab home. anyways, the girl never showed up. this isnt the first time she has been late with me. but last night, she no call/no showed. finally, at 7:30, after i worked open to close then walked home (it was almost 13 hour day) she called me. my phone was dead and i couldnt call her back right away. she told me she didnt know. how do you not know? how do you rely so much on other people to give you your schedule? i see this as a growing trend because there was another occassion with someone else where they were late because they set their alarm for pm instead of am. i am one of the oldest people working with the company, with the exception of the GM, the owner, and the bakers. is it because i am older and i value my job? i know the economy is bad so i really knew that once i got a job i cant mess it up because i really need it. are these kids not caring because they just ask their parents for help? i dont have that luxury. maybe i need this explained to me because i really wouldnt want these "kids" running the world with their work ethic. i sure wouldnt put up with it if i was an owner of a company. i had to get this off my chest because its renting space in my mind and i dont need that. its not paying rent, unless you count the extra money i made yesterday :)

Blizzards & Burritos

2010-01-06T07:58:00.000-06:00

I keep trying to convince anyone who reads my blog that I am terrible at blogging. I admit it, I am busy and tired and when I am none of those things, I am usually with my chef. I don't remember if I had blogged yet saying he is moving in with me in *drum roll* less than 2 months! I am very excited. Now, I know that usually when he isn't with me he is busy as all hell but I just want the pleasure of waking up in the middle of the night and snuggling up to him, I would rather do this in my sleep but I have grown accustomed to having my bed to myself. For christmas, my chef got us blackberries. I don't know how to work it very well but I AM blogging from it right now. I happen to be at my job watching the snow fall and procrastinating doing my homework. The chef also got me a nook. Its kinda like a kindle or sony e-reader, if you go to www.nook.com it tells you a lot more about it. I don't have it yet so I don't know if its any good, the chef seriously put off buying christmas presents because he has been so busy, too busy if you ask me, and with me being without a job for so long we haven't had much money. But, our relationship has stayed intact. Its been rocky but I know that since this has been going on for over 2 months, the money issues, we can survive. It will just be nicer when we are better financially. I have been going to school and working so that has taken a toll on me. Back to christmas, there was a blizzard here in Nebraska, it started with rain 2 days before and by christmas eve, it was snowing good. I made it to and from work fine, I just walked over here. There was ice hanging off the trees from the rain and then freezing like that, it was beautiful! So by the time my chef got off work, it was a full blown blizzArd. I was baking cookies when I started getting texts from him sounding like he wasn't coming. By the time I was almost done baking to cookies, I was bawling. I haven't been able to spend christmas with my family in years or my daughter, the holidays are a bad time for me to be alone. My chef called, talked to me for maybe 5 mins and it still sounded like I would be spending christmas alone. About an hour later, I was on the phone with one of the few relatives that talks to me, unfortunately, they live in TX. My chef calls me and asks what I'm wearing? I had the most confused expression on my face but he told me to put on some boots and a hat and come outside to help him unload the car. I ran. I was running to him in the middle of a blizzard on christmas eve. He was my christmas present. Now I don't have any food in my house and the blizzard wasn't supposed to happen and my chef was supposed to get off work earlier, same story, different day. So all the grocery stores were closed. I called them. And burger king. Finally called the gas station down the street and they tell me they never close. We had gas station burritos for christmas dinner. It was our first christmas together. It makes for a great laugh and story but at the time and even a little now, it was scary. He was supposed to go out of town the day after so he drove home christmas night. He slid sideways down one of the main roads. They shut that street down after that. He attempted to leave town on the 26th and wound up in a ditch on the interstate. He is fine and the car is fine but terrifying to say the least. That's just a little update for now. A word of advice: burritos are NOT a very romantic food.

bah humbug

2009-12-12T23:44:00.000-06:00

i honestly dont mean to be a scrooge, but this past month has been hard. i wasnt working for an entire month and that was stressful. i finally got a job at a french bakery, i really like it. i only get minimum wage but i also make tips. its not nearly as stressful as my last job working as a server. yes, i get bread for customers, clean the store, make coffee/hot drinks, make the sandwiches, serve the customers, run the register, answer the phone, and do my own dishes but its not that much when you actually get it down. i also have a lot of down time so i can bring my homework with me. i am getting to know the regulars and can wear regular clothes. its soo nice. i get one free meal and can have bread too. i dont have to take the bus so i dont have to worry about me missing it and being late for work, not that it happened often with my last job, but the public transportation in omaha is TERRIBLE. i have only worked for 4 days there and i love it. im not nearly as stressed as i once was. once i get down the schedule, i think i will be fine. i have to get up at 5:30am to get ready to leave at 6:10am to walk to work, but i can adjust. i just need to learn how to not nap when i get home. there is only one person usually working there at a time so you have to run yourself. its not hard, just keep yourself in line. the goal is to get me running there smoothly and then go to the other location and learn the bread. im excited to embark on this new journey, however, before i started working all my chef and i could do is worry about bills. we still do. christmas isnt going to be much this year and im not a big fan of it anyways because i dont have my daughter or any family that is here to spend the holidays with. i get really depressed around this time of year and my losing my job didnt help. my chef has been working ungodly hours and we had a blizzard this week so he couldnt make it here. its almost midnight as i type and i have no idea if im going to get to spend my sunday with him and i really havent spent time with him since monday of last week. my financial problems have put a strain on our relationship so much that all we do is talk about how we are going to make it work. yes, my chef is helping me with my bills, we dont live together and we have only been dating less than 6 months (it will be 6 months on dec 22nd). he cares that much about me that he wants to help me with my bills. also, my best friend of 11 years was tested for cervical cancer. she doesnt have it, but the scare is pretty bad. she had wrist surgery and then had to have a biopsy on her cervix in the same week. i was there for her for both because i wasnt working yet but i didnt have anyone there for me when i was scared for her. i couldnt lean on her because i didnt want her to know how scared i was. i needed to be strong for her but i had nobody to be strong for me and that was hard. it still is, we only got the results this past tuesday. i hope things get easier, i pray for that every night.

ahhh...books

2009-11-24T01:00:00.000-06:00

i love reading. i have been reading the Gourmet Girl series by Jessica Conant-Park. i got caught up in desperatechefswives.com and she was talking about the books, so i decided to borrow the books from the library. i have been low on funds and have been wanting to read a ton of books, so since i havent seen my chef that much, i decided to reserve a bunch from the library and pick them up. there is a location right down the street from my apartment, so i have a lot to keep me busy. great books by the way!! i started the first one yesterday and am almost finished with it. i know there is a new one out or coming out so i am excited to get caught up and read that one too!

im finally starting to feel like a culinary student. i got most of the kinks worked out with financial aid and was able to get one of my books, my chef uniform (from the school), and prepay for my pastry kit. my chef showed up a few minutes after i got home from the school and plops this HUGE toolbox in my living room. so i ask him "whats that?" he says "come over here and take a look" so i open it....and its a toolbox for ME! i was so excited. its basically everything that will be in my pastry kit from school and MORE! he sat on the floor with me, which i dont think i have ever seen him do and we went thru it all together. i was soo excited. i wanted to just take everything out later and look at it piece by piece but i was afraid my chef would think i was some sort of nerd. but i also think he would understand. what made the toolbox so special....the fact that it was his for about 10 years. he said it used to be covered in stickers from his days of using it. he peeled them all off and filled it with stuff for me. i felt so special. he informed me that its now mine and i can put my own stickers on it to make it mine. i know he has been working on it since i took my admissions tests for the school. i cant believe he took that kind of effort and time for me. and speaking of school, i finally got my other grade for my other class, it too was an A. so i have a 4.0 GPA. i never thought that would happen, just more to strive for i guess!

Holidays...and life

2009-11-23T00:43:00.000-06:00

ok, thanksgiving is coming up, in case anyone has forgotten. i know that this is a "family" holiday, but i dont have any family here that i really feel connected to. yes, i have family here that is blood-related and they dont talk to me. years ago (almost 2 now) my dad decided to inform me that he has given up on me. he didnt explain this to me and hasnt really spoken to me since. i think i have received one phone call from my step mom since, and that was to inform me of a family death. my step sister informed me that what my dad really meant is that he has given up on me as being a mother to my child. he never took the time to really explain this. my mom currently has my daughter and has forbidden me to go to any family functions where my daughter would be present. so i have basically been exiled out of the family. most of my family doesnt speak to me. i have an uncle who is a police officer and he works in the same area that my last job was so he would say hello to me and ask how i was doing, but that was the extent of it. i have 2 aunts, they both live outside of the area (in different states) that keep in contact with me. one lives in TX and wishes she could be here for me all the time. she has been a mother figure to me ever since my mom stopped being that for me. DONT JUDGE, you dont know the whole story. i am a RECOVERING alcoholic. im TRYING. there is more to this whole thing and it will take a whole series of blogs to explain this and its very complicated. so basically, another holiday rolls around and im here alone, again. because my mom refuses to see that i have been trying for 3+ years to change. i want to be there for my daughter. i started going to school, because i wanted out of my last job, but i realized that no matter how hard i tried, i cant get a position past entry level without going to school first. my chef and i have been agruing for the past few weeks now about what we are going to do for thanksgiving. to me, i would much rather be with people who love and care about me and make me feel welcome. i have been invited to my sponsor's grandmother's house for dinner. not just me, but my chef too. i feel loved and welcome there. its nice. i dont have to be someone im not. i can just be a part of the family. my chef's family doesnt live here, so he is going along with it for me. but i have to do his bidding on christmas. i HATE christmas. i only hate it because i dont have my little girl with me and thats really who its for. i really just needed to vent. judge me not, because only god can judge me....

sad face

2009-11-19T22:45:00.000-06:00

still no followers eh?! oh well. this is more for me to vent than anything. right now, its frustrating to be with my chef, mentally, but not physically. i finished my first quarter at school and i got an A on my paper and an A in one of my classes (i dont know about the other class yet). and i have barely spoken to my chef all week. the last time i saw him, he was sleeping in my bed and i had to go take my sanitation(ServSafe certification) test. i dont even have a job to occupy my time. i just sit at home and read, which i got 9 books from the library yesterday and i think im halfway thru one). but its really hard. i was so excited to have an A in a class, i havent gotten an A and actually tried in so long. it felt so good, but i havent been able to share it with my chef. wow. im depressing....sorry.

Finals...

2009-11-16T09:28:00.000-06:00

ok, my computer broke, lame. so i havent been able to blog. heres a summary of what happened:

my computer broke, so no more reading blogs or writing mine. my chef is finally getting a vacation the week of thanksgiving, so i think we will both be giving thanks for that. about a week ago, i lost my job, which is ok, since finals are today! im sitting here procrastinating/trying to wake up to study for said finals. im on a borrowed computer right now, so that is ok. i had it all weekend and am just now getting around to blogging. OH! i finally heard back from FAFSA and financial aid at the school, it looks like i WILL be able to take my classes next quarter! pretty excited/nervous. ohhhh and i got a new tattoo. a friend of mine works at the same tattoo place my chef gets his tattoos done and i have had 3 of my piercings done. i have been a customer of theirs for 7 years so they are all pretty familiar with me. ...sorry, im new to this adding pictures thing and its not going where i want it to!

finally catching up

2009-10-05T23:31:00.000-05:00

ok, i think i mention this every time, i am a BAD blogger. anyways, yesterday, i celebrated 3 years of sobriety (woot woot!). very awesome day. i guess my chef had a whole day planned out...he was going to make me breakfast (or get it) and bring it to me in bed...never happened. does this happen a lot? i am still having a hard time coming to grips with everything getting in the way of my plans. and i do mean EVERYTHING. my birthday (a few months ago), for example, my chef was supposed to come out with me and my friends. he worked instead. he told me he wanted to go to a concert, took that night off...(which was a friday and im a waitress so i need those), he worked.. last thursday (and i know this is different) we were supposed to go to this dinner thing, he was sick. talk about disappointment. i sometimes feel like if its not one thing, its another.
did NOT want to sit here and rant but i guess i needed to considering i did. ok. so! *sigh* i finally got an ipod. HA! i always claimed i didnt want one! i was talking to my chef and mentioned my HEADPHONES died and needed new ones for my mp3 player that i always have with me. he tells me i can have his ipod. i mean, where did this come from? i was talking about headphones?? lol so he gave it to me. i LOVE it. my bestie put on a couple movies for me. so i had a movie to watch while i waited for her class to get done. i quickly learned itunes by just looking around. unfortunely now, i want an itunes card. i love this thing!

last night, we went to this AWFUL restaurant, the chef, my bestie and me. i had a paper to write. we will never go back. it was 94/95 in omaha. im sorry if someone loves that place but, i think it sucked and so did the chef. my teacher laughed at my paper, i really tried to like it though.

shoes!!!

2009-09-22T00:06:00.000-05:00

so, yesterday, i went shopping with my bestie. much needed btw! my chef was sick and had to do some banquet thing, it sucks that i have a horrible memory. anyways, our usual sunday wasnt working out for the chef and i. so i made other plans. bestie showed up cause its her birthday tuesday, technically today. anyways, i think i mentioned this before, i have to go to a dinner thing i think with my chef and i have this really HOT outfit to wear, just no shoes. so we bought the shoes...http://www.dsw.com/dsw_shoes/catalog/product.jsp?productRef=SEARCH&category=&prodId=195709 i cant get a picture up of them from the internet and im rather lazy to take a picture and post, but i will get one eventually. the chef is here, he just asked if im blogging. HAHA! thats funny. i am a horrible blogger. i try though!

school today, wasnt that bad, but i still get headaches from it. its not even that hard, but i still get headaches. i need to find a chef who is a master of the craft and write a paper on him/her. im thinking about doing Gale Gand from TRU in chicago. any ideas???

ok..im going to go, i have laundry to finish, sleep to get, and a chef to pamper...men turn into such babies when they are sick! and a cake to finish...strawberry jello cake for my bestie!!

Intech...In-my-restaurant

2009-09-18T00:28:00.000-05:00

ohhhh lord. i had a night! tonight we got shut down for a catering event. i have been at my job for almost a year and half and this has NEVER happened. it was cool. the lady had some really cute jeans, me and some of the girls got a good look at her butt so i could find out what brand they were. she asked me what size i was so she could buy me a pair :) i doubt it will happen cause she was a bit drunk when she asked, but i WILL be looking up the brand online, and if i ever figure out how to put pics up i might have to show y'all :) pretty exciting. but today i have just felt out of sorts. FIRST i dropped some stuff when i was setting up this morning at work. then when i got off work i fell into a door and stubbed my toes. i got home and got depressed, i hadnt heard from my chef ALL day...it wasnt until around 8-8:30 that i finally heard from him. also, on my way home, my headphones to my mp3 player that i always wear, started acting up. i think they are broke :( and i have no money to get new ones. it has been really slow these last few weeks, it sucks cause i go to work for 5 hours and make barely anything. but im home now, after falling up the stairs 2 more times. :( LAME. ok..i should get some sleep, i work in the morning :(

Tuesdays...ugh

2009-09-15T17:26:00.000-05:00

ugh. i dont think i have mentioned how much i HATE tuesdays yet. tuesdays are a day that really get me and my chef. he has inventory on these days. only, unlike my restaurant, he has to do it AFTER they close. this means he gets off anywhere from 1:30am and 4:30am. he goes in at 7 or 8 on tuesday mornings too. i have seen him ONCE in the past 3 months on a tuesday. that was simply because his sous chef snuck me in to say hello. these are the days that i dont get many texts and almost never get a phone call. this is the one day that make me wanna scream. so its tuesday, again. i spoke with my chef this morning only because he wanted to know what the big deal was about my step sister working in his apartment leasing office. that was all. i just get lonely on tuesdays. more so than any other day.

2nd day of school..

2009-09-14T23:10:00.000-05:00

so i had my 2nd day of school today. sanitation was good. i think i might be learning a lot in that class. i just need to follow up with reading the ServSafe book and taking the quizzes (which are homework). i should be good! today was different, i got off school, got something to eat in a drive-thru and came home, and my chef was there! it was so nice. i love it when he gets a little more time off and can actually be there when i get home. my other class, which is orientation to the culinary program....wow. this class makes my head hurt! i had to come in full chef uniform. i missed a few points...i didnt have an apron and my nails are too long. i didnt even have the school's logo on my chef jacket because i wasnt aware until 2 weeks ago that i needed one, i still made it work and missed only a few things. still, i think i should get credit! oh well.

the chef and i got into a fight. right now, we dont live together. its fine, its still early. im just having a hard time with him having a female roommate that is the same age as me. it gets me every time. he has never done anything to make me think he is cheating on me, but i cant get over the fact that his roommate is FEMALE. we went there after we got off work to pick up some stuff before heading to my house and he was talking to her, with me standing there, telling her plans that i NEVER knew about. THANKS. makes me feel like a fly on the wall. maybe, if someone is reading this, a little advice? i dont try to be jealous, but sometimes, i cant help it when i dont feel like i am there.

work..work...and the chef works!

2009-09-05T12:03:00.000-05:00

ok, so im a bit disappointed, i dont think anyone has really read my blog. oh well, its just me ranting about my chefboyfriend, my job, and school. my boyfriend introduced me to desperatechefswives.com this week and PROMISED not to read my blog! hahaha! lets see how long that lasts! i am definately not looking forward to my night today! especially after yesterday. i made good money (thank you all those GREAT tippers!) but i am beat! i feel like i was hit by a MAC truck with my restaurant's name on the side! it wasnt supposed to be that bad! i went to work yesterday morning thinking i was going to get off at 4 an go back at 5. then, maybe off at 10. but nooo always sick-R had to claim she was throwing up for 20 mins at thebeginning of her shift. THANKS. so i got bumped...and didnt get off until after 11.

good news tho! i got my servsafe book for my class in the mail yesterday. i need to read 3 chapters in a little over a week! great! i still need the chef to dig out the books i need for my other class tho. (honey, if you lied and are really reading this, GO OUT TO THE TRUCK AND GET THEM!) otherwise we WILL be making a trip to the bookstore tomorrow! haha... amoung other things we HAVE to get done tomorrow.
sometimes, i secretly hate sundays. its our ONLY day off together and i feel like he keeps trying to fit in an entire week into one day. thats the part i hate. but we talked about it and he is trying to understand and spend more quality time with me (and by quality, i mean NOT both of us getting off work and sleeping in the same bed together). He knows this. tomorrow's cramming is us *hopefully* eating lunch with my bestie, which she has been neglected on sundays since the chef and i have been together, going to get shoes and other stuff i need for school, and im sure, walmart...since the chef needs a toothbrush for here and other stuff....gah! hopefully i can survive tonight and make it to tomorrow!

wow....so much in 24+ hours!

2009-09-03T00:05:00.000-05:00

ok, i suck at grammar but not so bad at spelling. i suck at putting paragraphs where they should be, please excuse this! (not that anyone reads my blog anyways) so, my chefboyfriend informed me today that he isnt happy with his job, no big suprise there! now he is applying for jobs in dallas/fort worth area. he wants me ME! to come with him! i have never lived outside Omaha, NE. BIG DEAL for me here. this on top of my other stress...just piles up! i have school, work, bills, etc...all adding up and causing stress. then my chefboyfriend tells me that they have great schools in dallas. GREAT! but i just started school. i dont think with the exception of my sanitation class my credits will transfer. then, theres my friends! they are family to me. i will miss them more than anything. esp my sponsor, H. and my bestie A who has been in my life off and on for 11 years. my sponsor is telling me to go for it! shes super excited. she tells me im not running from anything, im running TO something. which is great for me. this calms my nerves. but then, i think "omg! im going to have to find a new sponsor AND a job AND go to school" no. Chef doesnt want this. he wants me to go to school full time and not worry about working. makes it great!

on another note, my chef jacket and my pants are here! thanks to my loving chef! just need to hem the pants. luckily all those shopping trips paid off!

First Day at School

2009-09-01T15:31:00.000-05:00

So, I started school yesterday! Yay! I admit, I was absolutely terrified. Not so much of having bad teachers, but the rest! I was late for my second class due to some parking issues. I mean, really? Why not have more parking spaces?! WTF! To make matters worse, I felt like crawling into a hole the entire class! We didnt go over the syllabus very well either. It wasn't until I got to my best friend's mom's house (my best friend is being awesome! and giving me rides to school) that I realized I need my chef's uniform for ONE class. That class happens to be in 2 weeks from yesterday. Talk about anxiety attack! I am starting slow, since I haven't been to school in 6 years. And I wasn't quite prepared for my Orientation to the Culinary Arts program to have homework like book reports. Luckily, I have awesome friends and my Chef is good at english and writing papers. Going to work today was weird too. Hopefully, once I get my required materials and start on my homework, I won't feel like this the entire time I am at school. It was really sweet, even though I didn't see my Chef yesterday, I know he was cheering me on in his thoughts. He even called me and told me its not a big deal I need my chef uniform. Just hearing his voice for a few minutes (even though he was busy at work) helped calm my nerves.

More to come,
Jes

Sometimes...

2009-08-29T12:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I really hate my job, and my chef's job. Last night, I really could've used a night to myself with my Chef. It didn't happen. I guess God has a way of telling me to forget about what happened. Meaning, my mom getting married without even bothering to tell me. This is a long story and battle with her, I really don't feel like getting into. Part of it is what brought me and Chef together. Made me fall in love with him. :) Today, I am uncertain if Chef got what he needed to get done, the beer dinner menu. He had to taste the beers and create the menu. Not a big deal, right? For me, its more of a big deal because that means he isn't with me when I needed him. The other part is, he respects my sobriety and chooses not to come around if he has been drinking. That is nice. Another part that makes me love him. Ahhhh, well. Have to work again, hopefully won't be as late as last night and I get to sleep in again, with my Chef. Something we haven't been able to do for 2 weeks now. I see him in passing, or when he comes over to sleep at my place (yes, we have separate apartments still).

ahhh....the blog

2009-08-29T00:58:00.000-05:00

So, I don't usually blog about anything. However, my boyfriend (the chef) decided it would be good for me to vent my frustrations out in blog format. He said whatever works for me. I'm 25 years old. Just going back to school for the first time in 6 years. This is after my first failed attempt after my daughter was born. THIS time will be different. I keep telling myself that. And my chef keeps telling me that too. This time I am going with the aid of my best friend, my boyfriend, and God. Last time, not so much. I am also a recovering alcoholic hoping to celebrate 3 years at the beginning of October. This is something that will be spoken of frequently of during my blogging.

Anyways. My chef, Brian, decided to show me desperatechefswives.com last night, he thought it would be good for me to read other people's problems/issues with being married/in a relationship with a chef. We have only been together for 2 months, but it seems like so much longer. What the funny part about the whole thing is, I am going to go to school, starting Monday, to be a pastry chef. Now, Brian, is an executive chef at a fairly nice restaurant in Omaha. I have been in the restaurant, just never eaten there. Its...out of my league, and budget at the moment. We met at my restaurant where I am a server. This helps a bit in our relationship because even though I am not a chef (yet) I still work restaurant hours. Its 1am and I got off work not too long ago. This probably helps me understand him and his hours. I still don't get how we can work so close to each other and only have one day a week completely to ourselves. I am working on this. I am also working on the fact that we make plans and because of his job, they (usually) don't work out. That is hard.....

More to come,
Jes